Do you ever catch yourself wondering what life might be like? Recently I've been thinking what I would be doing right now if I hadn't made some decisions this year. I wonder if I would have been happy or if I would have regretted it down the road. My life makes sense but it doesn't mean I'm not sad or that I don't miss him. I think about Jeremy often. I wonder what he is doing or if he ever thinks about me. I wonder if he says bad things to his "wifey " about me. I wonder if he ever thinks what our lives would be like now if we were still together. It doesn't really matter I guess. Life is what it is. I'm happy now. I have demons I deal with now that I didn't have before. I worry I won't be enough again when the next guy comes along. I worry that there will always be another woman who will be better than I am. I worry I'll never let myself love again or trust again. But they are my own demons. I have thought a lot lately about where I was a year ago. How I felt and what my life was like. I was so in love. I was in Texas with another broken ankle. Jeremy was again helping me with everything. I was trying my best to encourage him to make his own way and keep up with trying to live out his dream. I was happy and I was in love. Now it all seems silly and maybe a waste. I learned so much about myself and love and life but I also learned the dark parts of life. Like anger, pain, hurt, loss, heartache, and I felt not good enough for anyone. Life has a way of teaching you tough things without remorse. But I also learned this year that God loves me, I have great friends that love me and that I can be happy again. I don't know if I will ever find love again. I don't know if I will trust again. But I hope I will on both accounts. I have a lot of healing to still do. I'm doing it on my own time and in my own way and that is perfectly alright. But just in case .... Jeremy I do miss you. I do think about you. I do hope you are happy. I am happy. And I'm also glad we don't talk and we didn't stay friends because if we had I don't think I could have ever moved on. I don't hate you. I forgive you. Someday I hope that I see you and I will remember the good and not the bad. I don't know if you even read this anymore but thank you for the life you gave me. I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed but I hope someday I will be what someoneneeds else needs. Be happy.
