Wow over a year?! Worst blogger ever!

OK.  So, about a week ago a friend reminded me that I used to blog.  Then I reminded myself that I actually used to love it.   And I haven't blogged in about 16 months.  Seriously??  There has been so much that has happened in the last while.  I'm gonna try and catch up on the highlights at the very least. 

May 2012
Last spring I decided that I needed to "reinvent" myself and find my independence again.  I wanted to do something on my own to prove to myself, I guess, that I didn't need someone else to have adventures in my life.  I decided I wanted to go to Seattle, Washington.  I planned my trip down to every  last detail.  I had plans to explore every inch of Seattle.  But when I finally arrived it went straight to Hell.  Most of it had to do with the fact that my car rental did not go as planned and had to find a different rental.  I only had enough money with me to rent a car for 2 days and I was there for 5 days.  I also had booked a room outside of the city to save money.  So, I had to cram everything into 2 days.  I went to the aquarium, Pike's Market, the Space Needle, and the zoo and wandered around Seattle.  I loved every second of it.  I loved the atmosphere and the people.  But the last 2 days I didn't do much.  Finally the last day I needed out of my room.  I walked 4 miles to a state park and spent the day hiking through the thick forest and walking on the beach of the Puget Sound and spending the day in the rare sunshine of Seattle.  The worst part was that I missed seeing my friend Hope.  I was really sad that it didn't work out to see her and her beautiful family.  Maybe next time.  But my vacation turned out to be an amazing experience and really made me feel like me again.

June 2012
My best friends Sheena and Kevin had a beautiful baby girl, River.  She is so beautiful and looks just like her dad.  She is nearly a year old now and I don't get to see her as often as I would like to but it has been amazing to see her grow up.  I love when I get to see her and see how much she has grown up.  She is so smart and a joy to spend time with.  She is also strong willed and only has things her way.  I love that Sheena and Kevin have allowed me to spend so much time with her.  

I got a new job.  Now I'm working at the Beehive Grill as the weekend part time office assistant.  I love this job.  It has been a little challenging.  I'm a social person and am stuck in an office but I do love the busy work and don't miss the customers and all the complaining.  I'm still working at the Pizza Hut as a shift manager but hopefully not for much longer.  

July 2012
July was hellish.  The second weekend in July every year we have a soccer tournament called the Cache Valley Cup. This year we brought in 187 teams and over 10,000 people from out of the valley.  My family has been involved with it 7 out of the last 9 years and it takes over our lives.  This last year I got roped into more than the average volunteering and it took over my life for about 4 weeks.  It was so much to handle.  I helped with our Friday night dinner, our book, all the shopping, check in, and all the other volunteering during the week. 

I also took my annual trip up to the cabin and this year I brought up some girls from my relief society.  Shannon Moore, Heather Condie, and Chelsea Funk.  We had so much fun and definitely had a unique adventure.  We had a close encounter with a moose on the river and in the same day had a close encounter with a bison, in fact two of them.  We played UNO while watching wolves, on a plateau in Hayden Valley with about 100 other people intently waiting for the wolves to make their grand appearance.  We hiked a bunch, met new people, giggled a ton, and enjoyed ourselves very much and was a much needed break for me after Cache Valley Cup.

Fall
Life has quieted down a bunch and life consists of busy weekends.  I work both jobs during Friday and Saturday and Sunday just at Beehive, and the rest of the week is usually a lot less busy.  I didn't do much at all this fall.  My life seems pretty boring looking back.

Winter
Please let the cold end!!  This winter seemed especially cold and miserable.  However, I'm not a big fan of the cold and snow and horribleness of this season.  (and the hot of summer doesn't do much for me either)  Anyway, I reconnected with my friend Trisha and we have been hanging out and doing stuff.  Which has been a nice change for me.  I haven't been doing a lot of anything besides work for a long time now.  She is great and I just love her to pieces.  I also found out this winter that my wonderful friend Callista Madsen (Christopherson) is pregnant and due in June.  Her and her wonderful hubby will be having a boy this coming summer and I'm so happy for them.  It was very unexpected by the parents-to-be but they are happy about their upcoming family developments.  Also, my great friend Jesse Pitcher got married this winter.  He married an amazing girl named Heidi and they are just so cute.  I am unbelievably happy for him.  He deserves such great happiness and has really found it in Heidi.  Congrats again!

In January my sweet Brynndle died.  I miss her terribly every day and think of her all the time.  Brynndle was very sweet and loving but last summer she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder that made her aggressive when she was scared.  I took her into the vet and they evaluated her and put her on some drugs to keep her level.  I also started some intensive training to help her recognize when she was scared and what she should do.  But things happen that trigger her to lash out.  When she did lash out she would get super sad and would pout for days after.  On Christmas this last year she had an episode and went after the cats in the house twice in one day.  She didn't kill them but she did hurt them.  She didn't even seem like Brynn when it happened.  After, she was sad for days and wasn't really herself.  We think something triggered her and we are not really sure what did.  But I went to her vet and we talked about the episode.  He told me she was now exhibiting multiple types of aggression and they were not all controlled by drugs.  We discussed our options and I went home to think.  After a few days I decided that the best thing would to be to put her down.... It was really hard on my family and they reached out for other options but this was safest.  Besides Brynndle didn't like when she would lash out either and she would get so sad.  I spent a week with her and we did things she loved.  Then I took her in.  It was the hardest day of my life.  I let my poor baby go and live with her Heavenly Father.  I miss her greatly.

Spring has Sprung
 OMG thank goodness!!  I hated the cold.  The warm and rain has been a wonderful change to the winter awfulness.  This spring has seemed to jump up out of nowhere and is speeding by (awww stop going so fast).  Although I haven't had a lot of free time lately to enjoy it, I have had a few hours of reading in the sunshine so far and look forward to so much more.  

UPCOMING
Well, this week my mother and I are off to VEGAS!!  We are having a girl's weekend with my Auntie Fonda!  We have so much planned.  We are going to see Cirque de Solei Mystere, Bodies, Secret Gardens and Dolphin Habitat, Shark Reef, Bellagio Fountains, and go shopping and get pedicures and have fun and mostly relax.  It is a well deserved vacation for all of us and I can barely contain myself.  

Also, I am going full time at The Beehive Grill next month.  This makes me sooooo happy I cannot even explain.  I have been looking forward to this for about 6 months and it is nearly here.  I will be working Mon-Fri during the day and no more nights.  Yessss!  I'm am one happy girl.  

Cache Valley Cup is quickly approaching again this year.  This year I have taken upon myself a ton more with the tournament and been cracking the whip with the rest of the board hoping to get the ball rolling faster and smoother this year.  It is shaping up to be big and awesome this year.  Please come join us!  

That is all the highlights I can come up with for this last 15 months.  I am going to be better and write again soon.  I will talk about me a little more next time (haha).  Also hope to have pics from Vegas and lots to share there.  

A new year

Do you ever catch yourself wondering what life might be like?  Recently I've been thinking what I would be doing right now if I hadn't made some decisions this year.  I wonder if I would have been happy or if I would have regretted it down the road.  My life makes sense but it doesn't mean I'm not sad or that I don't miss him.  I think about Jeremy often.  I wonder what he is doing or if he ever thinks about me.  I wonder if he says bad things to his "wifey " about me.  I wonder if he ever thinks what our lives would be like now if we were still together.  It doesn't really matter I guess.  Life is what it is.  I'm happy now.  I have demons I deal with now that I didn't have before.  I worry I won't be enough again when the next guy comes along.  I worry that there will always be another woman who will be better than I am.  I worry I'll never let myself love again or trust again.  But they are my own demons.  I have thought a lot lately about where I was a year ago.  How I felt and what my life was like.  I was so in love.   I was in Texas with another broken ankle.  Jeremy was again helping me with everything.   I was trying my best to encourage him to make his own way and keep up with trying to live out his dream.  I was happy and I was in love.   Now it all seems silly and maybe a waste.  I learned so much about myself and love and life but I also learned the dark parts of life.  Like anger, pain, hurt, loss, heartache, and I felt not good enough for anyone.  Life has a way of teaching you tough things without remorse.  But I also learned this year that God loves me, I have great friends that love me and that I can be happy again.  I don't know if I will ever find love again.  I don't know if I will trust again.  But I hope I will on both accounts.  I have a lot of healing to still do.  I'm doing it on my own time and in my own way and that is perfectly alright.   But just in case .... Jeremy I do miss you.  I do think about you.  I do hope you are happy.  I am happy.  And I'm also glad we don't talk and we didn't stay friends because if we had I don't think I could have ever moved on.  I don't hate you.  I forgive you.  Someday I hope that I see you and I will remember the good and not the bad.   I don't know if you even read this anymore but thank you for the life you gave me.  I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed but I hope someday I will be what someoneneeds else needs.  Be happy.

23 Birthday wishes....

So, I feel like this is going to be the last year that I can get really excited about my birthday and act like a child and be absolutely immature about my birthday and so, I'm going to be just that.  I think that after this year I should really treat my birthday like everyone else treats their birthdays and that is you dread the age and get over it.  So, I'm going to make 23 wishes (of which I doubt highly of getting any but it makes things fun!) and next year I'll grow up!  Promise!


My 23 Wishes (in no particular order except for the first one, I want that one the most!)


1. Ryan Gosling!!
2. Surprises; a million and one of them!
3. An amazing cake
4. Balloons and streamer decorating my room
5. Flowers (preferably lilies or calla lilies)
6. To have a song sung to me other than the normal Happy Birthday that everyone sings badly (at least in my family)
7. Kiss from a cute guy ;)
8. Cute notes and posts from friends about how wonderful I am
9. A birthday party I don't know anything about
10. Not to be reminded I share my birthday with a ton of other people I know
11. To be told I look young for my age
12. Pretty jewelry
13. A new outfit that makes my butt look great hehe
14. Gifts that are not wrapped in christmas wrapping paper
15. NO SNOW!!!
16. Not to be woken up at some crazy hour to have some surprise before the sun comes up
17. A manicure!
18. A new hair style (I'm so over the one I have now)
19. Good news (about anything that has to do with me)
20. To spend the day with the family and friends I love so much
21. To have nothing happen that would spoil my day!
22. The pair of shoes I want from Maurices (I would also like to wear them to church!)
23. To have an unforgettable day that was all about me!


Now, all if this is selfish and childish and that is just fine with me.  My birthday is my favorite "holiday" and "I want, what I want, when I want it" - Terri Jean Baker.  I have no expectations that any of this will happen but wouldn't it be great! lol  So, that's all!  6 Days!!! (don't judge for this post please!)

Insecurties

I was talking to a friend today.  We were talking about boys and the ones we like and relationships.  We were also talking about being burned.  It seems like when those men who we love turn around and burn us real good we end up questioning ourselves so much.  We find ourselves insecure with things in our lives.  Now, don't get me wrong; I really like myself.  But I find myself trying to answer questions I won't ever get answers to and evaluating all my flaws and forgetting the good things about me sometimes.  But most of all I worry that someday I find someone to love again and never trust them.  I'll always think that someone better will come around the corner and they'll leave me.  I can't ever be the best thing for anyone; they could always do better.  My friend was in a similar situation and she feels like she has to be on and fun all the time or the guy will split.  I totally understand this.  I understand that there are great things about us all but I think that all these women around me are so much greater.  So, then it's just time before the men will figure out that there is a better woman out there.  It's an unfair judgement to me and the men, and the other women around me; but I can't stop.  Now, I've been thinking about this and why are we letting these shitty men control our lives long after they are gone?  Why do they still have such a hold on us when our hearts have let us go?  It's so stupid.  We have to go back to believing that there are great men still out there.  That the don't all cheat, leave, and break our hearts.  That they won't all leave us burned and hurt in the end.  We have to believe that some of them are still great.  That some of them can really love us.  We have to let the anger go, the insecurities go, the uncertainty of men's fidelity and trustworthiness.  We have to go back to believing we are worth something to them.  I'm going to make it a goal to start believing in the best things about me again.  I'm going to stop thinking that all men cheat and are not worth my time, my heart and my trust.  I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt because if I don't someday I'll run the one I love out of my life because my heart is afraid.  I can be happy, I can trust, and I can let someone in.

25 Things I'm Thankful For

I decided that I would do the unoriginal list of things I'm grateful for... I'm thankful for a lot of things this year.  They are no particular order but here they all are.

I'm thankful for....
1. my family who have been patient with me the last few months while I get my life back in some kind of order.
2. my truck.  I don't like it much, but I am thankful that I have some kind of mode of transportation and well, it's kinda growing on me.
3. my job.  I have not always liked working for Pizza Hut but I am thankful that I have a source of income again.  
4. the gospel.  It has been a process going back but I've never felt more comfortable in my life and in my own skin than I do right now in my life.
5. my balance.  I've really found my kind of balance.  I've found myself and found a good balance between all the things in my life; my friends, my family, my opinions, my beliefs all of it!!
6. Katie.  I'm so grateful for her, she's been one of my best friends and we really seem to help each other the last few months.
7.  Sierra.  For her attitude, she seems to always have a better way of looking at things whether it's a better attitude or a worse one I love it.
8. Rayna.  My relationship with Rayna has been rocky but I love her and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
9. my mom and dad.  They have always been an example with their marriage in what we should hold out for and strive to have when our day comes.
10. my old friends.  For being supportive of me and my decisions in my life and the support I got this summer from them.  Even those who live far away! ;)
11. my new friends.  With going back to church I have made some great new friends who have given me the conviction to keep going back and who continually give me the extra push when I need it.  A special thanks to Brenna Clarke, Joni Severe, Jill Stapley, Joshlyn Carmona, Shannon and Shanda, Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, and Joe Willes.  You guys have made my life easier and sweeter in the last few months and I owe you guys so much.
12. my Brynndle.  She is the sweetest dog and knows when I need her the most.  I'm so grateful to have a welcome home like one she gives me every time I walk through the door.
13. Jeremy.  It sounds strange but without him I wouldn't have found parts of who I am and grown as a woman.
14. to not be with Jeremy anymore.  I am grateful that I have been able to move forward with my life and start to achieve goals that I wanted to achieve and find myself. 
15. patience.  I don't have a lot but I have some and it has really been good for me.  I've needed it a lot lately.
16.  the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I feel like without it I would still be in the dark that I lived in for a long time.  I'm healing and I'm moving forward and I've never been more happy in my life and with myself and the decisions that I'm making.
17. Bishop Oldroyd.  He's been such an example to me.  He's been so great with me and supportive and understanding.  He's also been a rock in the last few weeks with the passing of his wife and I hope to have the faith that he has.
18. music.  Music truly heals the heart and guides the mind.  It has been the one thing I've reached for every time I've needed that extra push.
19. Brady.  Oh Brady, what would I do without you.  A best friend really knows what you need when you need it and understands better than almost anyone.  Thank you! :)
20. prayer.  My prayers have been fervent and honest and sincere.  They have been a saving grace and a needed comfort in my life.
21. living in Cache Valley.  Some days I feel trapped in this small town but there are a million and one great things and perks about living in a place where you truly love your neighbors and trust those around you.
22. my institute class and Brother Larsen.  I just can't say enough.  I love digging into our talks every week and think about them daily.  And Brother Larsen is amazing!!  I don't know how that man teaches the way he does and it feels like he's talking one on one with you while teaching an entire class.  
23. my hair, my feet and my eyes.  They are my favorite features and I love them.  It sounds weird but we should all me thankful for the assets we've been given rather than hating those we don't like. 
24. being a sister and a friend.   It's something I love to be and to do.  I love being there for the people around me and helping them with the things in their lives.  I love feeling like people can trust me and rely on me.  
25. myself.  I like who I am.  I like who I am becoming.  I like most things about myself.  I don't feel like there are things I should hate about myself.  I think I'm a good person.  I'm an honest person now.  I'm a strong person.  I'm worth it even though its hard to remember from time to time.  


There is my list.  You may not agree with some things but it's not for you it's for me. 


Happy Thanksgiving!!

Meet My Brynndle

I have an amazing and beautiful dog named Brynndle.  She is a year and 3 months old and I've had her for a year.  She was a gift to me from my ex and it was the best thing that he ever gave me.  She is a little slow and she might not be all there mentally but she is so great and makes my day every day.  She is goofy and loves to play.  Her favorite game is tug-of-war and she'll play catch with her pink ball.  She loves ripping the fluff out of toys so I've learned to buy toys without fluff and only with squeakers in it!  She isn't the most obedient dog ever but she will sit most of the time you tell her to and she goes to bed every time you tell her to.  She is so cute when she goes to bed.  She'll crawl into her doggie bed at night and long before I go to bed.  Then when I finally go to bed she waits til I fall asleep and then crawls in bed with me.  If it is cold in the room she'll crawl into the covers and if it's not then she'll sleep on top but always curled up next to my tummy.  In the morning she will either cry to let her out or she will jump on me, lick my face and my hands, and if that doesn't wake me up to play with her she has learned how to dig the covers off of me and that will do the trick.  Her best friend is mom's cat that is mentally retarded named Frosty and they play with each other every day.  She can be the biggest pest and the sweetest girl all at the same time.  I have all sorts of nicknames for her that she answers to "sweetness", "baby girl", "pretty girl" and I love her so much.  When I am sad she will cuddle with me and when I cry she cocks her head to one side like she doesn't understand then she curls up next to me with her head on me.  When we get home she gets super excited and jumps on everyone.  She loves my dad but she's afraid of him at the same time.  She gets excited when he comes home and wags her tail and wants him to pet her but when he gets close she jumps back.  It's so cute to watch.  She is afraid of everything.  She is afraid of blankets (except hers which she is very protective of), loud noises, things that don't belong in a room, hats, dolls, costumes, and new people.  She barks every time someone comes to the door.  It's definitely annoying but no one will ever break into this house.  She needs to meet people a few times before she decides if she likes them and with men it's kind of hit and miss if she will like you or not.  She loves french fries, potato chips, apples and popcorn.  And she does NOT like grapes and bananas.   She loves watching other dogs on TV.  When two people are wrestling in the house she will pick a side and attack the other person and really gets into it and playing with them.  I love it, it is the cutest thing.  She is my baby and I love her with all my heart!!!  

                                                          Brynn driving the truck

                                                           Brynn as a puppy sleeping

                                                     Taking a nap with Terri

                                                        Looking for Moose in Maine                                                 

                                                           My baby girl on my lap

                                                  Brynn as a puppy in her coat

Smiling for the camera

Playing outside

Looking for her ball

                                                        All grown up Brynndle

My Birthday

December 11, 1988
I know I have more than a month but I love my birthday... I hate that it's in December and that it's in the winter but it's still my birthday.  I want an amazing birthday this year.  I know I won't get it but I can wish it IS my birthday!! lol  I'm turning 23 which I am having a problem with and I don't really understand and no one else does either but I thought I would make a list of all the things I want for my birthday and maybe someone who reads this will do one or possibly two of them.  I figure I deserve it cause I have had a seriously bad year this year, but then again who cares... it is only my birthday..

- I want to be truly surprised.
- I do NOT want my truck to be "decorated" lol (Sierra! Katie! Brady!)
- I want a hundred choruses of "Happy Birthday"
- I want flowers ( white calla lilies preferred)
- I want cute little notes passed to me all day
- I want a bouquet of balloons that does NOT have an "over the hill" saying on it
- I want to have sushi
- I want to come home and find my room decorated in balloons and streamers and banners.
- I want a kiss from a cute boy (even if it doesn't mean anything)
- I want to be kidnapped by friends and have a party!! (not at some odd hour of the morning/night)
- I want someone to make me a mix CD of all the songs that makes them think of me
- I want a date that week with someone awesome!
- I want to find little surprises every where!
- I want a scavenger hunt that leads me to something awesome!!
- I want it to NOT snow!!
- I want a million compliments about how cute and silly and fun and great I am!!! ( am I getting prideful?? lol)
- I want 24 hours just about me!!

I think I deserve a great birthday this year... That is just me of course.  lol  I'm not this selfish usually but I get one day out of 365 and I want a good one this year! Last year it was a half-assed effort, the year before I threw my own party, the year before nothing, the year before that nothing, and so on.  The last real celebration for my birthday was when I turned 16!!  It's about time I get a real party!!  So, get me flowers and balloons and write me a love note or poem and sing to me and get me a great piece of cake!!  That's all I'm asking!!  Is it too much?? lol  I'll repost this when it's gets closer! lol  And can anyone explain to me why I'm so upset about turning 23??  It's not like 25 or 30.  It's nothing spectacular!  I don't get it?? For any of you out there who actually read this I'm just excited about my birthday and sending birthday wishes you don't have to take this literally!! lol

A Change in my Heart

So, my whole world has turned completely around.  I've gone from angry and sad, to happy and giddy all the time.  I don't have a specific reason to be happy all the time but I just am.  I have new and wonderful friends, I have a job (whew), I have school (kinda), I have a great family, I have new clothes (:D), I had a crush for a while (which was fun, but over lol).  I have just so much in my life that is positive and great that I can't help find peace and comfort in it all.  I read a poem a friend wrote a few days ago and it made me think.  

"...The waters that flowed along the rolling hills

The streams whose currents carved the very face

Of my portrait seem to have dried up

Now a miry pit of mud and despair

Yellow, sweet yellow is gone

All the other colors I would have expected

To depart from me at this time

But, gone, gone, gone, gone is my yellow.

I am waiting for the rest to go.

My mind draws a blank

My image is fading

Gone is the portrait,"
-Joe Willes
(I hope he's ok that I used his poem)

It just made me think of all the people in our lives that come and go but change who we are.  Some of them leave scars and others change our hearts but they all help shape us into the people we are.  Whether they are family or friends or examples we look up to they all shape us.  I have scars from people that are gone in my life, I've had people who let me down, and I have had people lift me up but they have all made me a stronger and better person.  Some have shown me what I don't want to be others have shown what I want to be.  It was such an eye-opening message for me.  It helped me cope with some of the pain that I have been dealing with and see it in a different light.  So, maybe next time something happens, someone leaves, someone dies, someone lets me down.  I can look at the experience and see how they changed me for the better or made me stronger because of the experience.  My heart is changed for so many reasons.  It's a little more guarded towards love but it's also open to truth and light.  It's also opened more for friends and good examples in my life.  My face glows a little more right now, there's a little bit of a bounce in my step, there is a brighter color of green in my eyes... I feel amazing.  I'm content with my life.  I have goals and direction.  I have friends who support the choices I'm making in my life.  How could I not be a happy woman right now?! lol

Happy and full of Hope!!

I met a guy a few weeks ago and didn't really talk to him but I had this feeling about him and it was 2 weeks until I saw him again and I got butterflies.  He didn't really notice me, so I kinda gave up on it.  A couple hours after seeing him we starting chatting online and I got butterflies again.  It seemed silly cause we didn't really know each other at all.  I've seen him a few times lately and got to know him.  Now, here comes the good part I guess.  I don't think he's interested in me which is fine.  He wrote the most beautiful thing to a woman and it made me smile.  But it was so great to crush a guy again.  It's been so long and I was very worried for a long time that I wouldn't ever let myself crush anyone again or open up to a man again.  So, it's not a big deal and I'm not gonna cry over him.  But it was fun and liberating to feel things again.  To feel freed from all the chains of hating myself.  I love myself.  I smile everyday and enjoy my life right now.  It's wonderful.  I love my life and where it is going.  The stresses in my life are slowing dissolving and escaping.  I have more hope for my life and myself right now than I think I ever have.  I'm the happiest woman right now and not for any one particular reason.  I feel like things are coming together for me.  I love the friends I have and have made recently.  I love having Brady home and love having church in my world again.  I love the hugs and the encouragement I get everyday.  I love being in control of my world and not feeling like I have to live in someone else's life.  I've made leaps and bounds not only with my life but with myself as well.  I've never loved myself the way I love myself right now.  I wouldn't change me.  I have things I want improve on with myself but I like me. 

Need to do More with my Life

Been considering so many things in my life lately.  I've got a general direction that I'm heading in (education, career, job for now, get out of debt) which is fantastic, but there are so many things that I'm also considering doing.  Like I've wanted to find way to volunteer for Humanitarian Aide efforts and help others in countries that have nothing.  I want to find something new in my world.  Like maybe moving somewhere else for a year and discovering a new side to myself.  The more and more I overcome this pain (from so many different places in my life) the more I realize I want more to my life, I want to become a more rounded person, I feel like I have more depth to myself that I have yet to discover.  There has been this part of me lately which feels like I was this empty shell of a person for the last few years and I could have been developing myself better but instead I was focused on things that were keeping me an empty person.  Now, that I'm moving forward I want so much more!  More life, more spirituality, more education, just more everything.  I want to contribute so much more to this world.  I know that I have so much to offer this life and I have been held back up until now.  I want to travel, I want to help, I want others to have something eased by something that I've done, or contributed to.  I know that life has the basic sketch of birth-education-career-marriage-family-death but there is so much more to living and I'm realizing this more and more every day.  Haven't you ever felt like there was something you needed to achieve in this life that wasn't what everyone else expected from you?  That's what I want.  You just wait and see, in a year I'm going to have done something that mattered!  That mattered to someone other than myself.  I'm gonna make my time worth something.  And maybe on this path of new self-discovery I'll find a new perspective, a new goal or maybe even love.  I think I do deserve real love in my life from someone who actually means it.  Who knows maybe I'll find it when I'm least looking for it. 

Some stuff in my World

My life has become a little bit complicated lately.  There was an opening in the Medical Assisting Program and I couldn't afford the beginning fees and so I got bumped down the list again.  If the financial aid ladies had gotten my FAFSA stuff done 3 months ago it would have been less of a problem but whatever.  Still taking my online class and kicking ass in it.  I have a meeting tomorrow with the Vice President of the BATC tomorrow and hopefully there will be good news later. 

Still no job and it's getting very stressful but I do have good feeling that one is coming.  I sure as hell hope so.  But when I get a job and school actually starts it's all gonna get crazy in a big hurry.  I can handle it though so bring it on!!

For those of you who don't know, cause I don't really post stuff about this but I've gone back to church.  I needed some kind of peace in my life.  I'm still me just with a little more direction and more comfort in life.  It's been a good thing for me.  I've found some strength that I didn't know that I could have in my life and I'm really enjoying it for me.  I feel like I've found a balance between who I am and who I want to be.  I did this for me, because I really felt like it was the best thing for me to be doing and I needed something more in my life for myself.  I've been really happy with my decision.  I know I have friends out there that are not a fan of this; and this is what I have to say to that.  This decision was for me and me alone.  I feel that is the best thing for me to be doing in my life.  I still love you for who you are and I promise not to try and change you.  I'm still me and haven't changed.  If you are really my friends then you'll accept this decision and love me for who I choose to be and I'll do the same for you.  




My best friend Brady Bodily is coming home in the next few weeks and I'm sooo excited.  It'll be nice to have him around again and hang with him and not have to worry that he will be hurt while in the field.  I know it'll be tough for him when he comes back but there are many who love him and care for him so it'll be great.  I told him today that normalcy will be a good thing for him for a little bit. Please everyone pray that he'll get home safely, these next few weeks I'll freak out and worry a little extra.

I also want to thank some special people in my life... Brenna Clarke and Joni Severe for being the best visiting teachers and friends I could ask for.  Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, Joshlyn Carmona, Jill Stapely for being friendly faces and comforting and open arms for me the last few weeks.  Your friendships to me have meant so much to me.  Thank you to the Smithfield YSA 1st ward for helping so much through the last 2 months.  It has been a comfort to call you all friends and my ward family.  And a special thanks to Andrew Weber... ;) you're amazing!!  I'm a better person for knowing all of you!!  :D

September.. the beginning of something great..

So... first off, last week I knew that Rascal Flatts was coming to concert to USANA in SLC and I wanted tickets more than anything.  They are my favorite group/artist of all time and have always wanted to see them.  So, I had been trying to win tickets through the radio stations and had been calling multiple times every hour for a week.  Then, Thursday afternoon my best friend Brady who is serving overseas called me and told me he had bought me two tickets to go.  I thought he was kidding and when he said he wasn't I started screaming and dancing and jumping up and down.  I was more excited than I've ever been ever.  I called my other bestie Ashley and told her she was coming with me and needed to get work off.  The next night we were at USANA watching Justin Moore (which Ash did NOT prefer, she called him Justin Nomoore lol), Sara Evans (amazing!!) and Rascal Flatts (sooooo awesome can barely contain myself days later).  It was a crazy night of singing, screaming, dancing, and laughing.  We had great seats and though the weather taunted us the first hour even raining a bit before the first act started, it all cleared up and we had an incredible time.  We met some seriously crazy but fun people and had a creeper standing behind for the majority of the time.  But all in all it couldn't have been better.  Thank you Brady for the tickets and Ashley for the memories.  

Next, I found out this morning that I could possibly get into my program starting Oct 3 and if I work hard and quick I could be done by June and working as a Medical Assistant next summer.  I'm thrilled.  I hope all my interviews and financial aid and paperwork all go alright.  I'll know more on Thursday but seriously I'm so excited to get started and start learning.  

Then, I met this guy a few weeks ago, he lives in Washington and his name is Andrew.  He is really great.  He's so nice and funny and he makes me laugh.  I have been txting him almost nonstop for like 2 weeks. He has this way of making me light up and I haven't done that in forever.  Now, it's long distance and I don't know how it is going to work out or even if it will yet, but I know that I haven't been this happy and giddy in a long time; so it's a worth a shot.  I'm just glad that I have someone who thinks good things of me and who is (even from another state) pushing me to strive harder and be better.  

I thought for a while that things were never gonna look up and that I would stay in this never never land of misery, but I'm good.  I'm better than I was.  I've got goals and people who care if I have goals and if I achieve those goals.  That's nice to know.  I've got a bright future ahead of me and people who care and love me.  What more could I ask for??

Becoming a Better Person

I guess we're always striving to be better people.  But I'm holding onto so many things that keep my from becoming one.  I want to be stronger but I'm holding on to things that make me weak.  Everything from habits, to men, to fears.  Brenna and Joni (visiting teachers) asked me tonight what I am afraid of.  I gave them the bullshit answer of spiders, and drowning; but who isn't afraid of those things, I mean my ex is more afraid of spiders than I am.  But maybe the real answer is I'm afraid of who I'll become, who I won't become, if I'll be alone, if I'll succeed, if I'll fail, if I'll run from the hard things to find the easier ones, if I'll let people in when I'm scared they won't be around later when I need them.  How long do you let fear run you; take a hold of you and let IT define you instead of the better things in life??  So, I know the things I want, I know the person I want to be, and now that I'm free from being held back, my fears are now in the way.  I want to say the future looks inviting and I'm excited for what is to happen.  Some of that is the truth, I am excited and some of it is inviting but some of it is scary.  I look at some women who see all the beauties of life and they seem to know that the uncertainties of life are blessings.  But I hate it.  It's like a book I've read half way through and the last few chapters have been ripped out.  I just want to know the ending.  I want to know if I end up living happily ever after.  LOL  Seems silly huh??  It's so frustrating not to be able to have that certainty that when I do A I get B later.  But then if you look at it with a totally selfless perspective; I do know what B is.  I do know that if I do A I'll get B.  And all the things in between are just a part of the ride.  I just have to have faith, work hard, believe in myself and in the end I'll find all that I wanted in the beginning.  It's so hard to look at a perspective like that.  To see outside of the box and not focus on the here and now and what I want or don't want, or need or don't need.  But maybe if I spend sometime everyday, looking at the bigger picture, my fuzzy picture of life will get a little clearer and I'll see things a little better and find that happy ending that I always dreamed.  Maybe that's the key to becoming a better person.  It's not focusing on the here and now, but the bigger and the future.  Someday I'm sure I'll get it; the key to it all, the answers I've always wanted but for now I'm lost and looking for the same thing that everyone is looking for.  I'm just like everyone else.  I'm lost and searching.  I'm a little lonely, a little sad.  But I'm also happy, hopeful, goofy, and silly.  I'm Cassie.  I'm Cassie looking to make herself a little better every day.  Succeeding somedays and failing others but me all the same. 

Isn't Life Funny.

I have been so happy and have laughed so much in the last few days.  And the next few days are going to be great... In fact I'm going to make sure that my life is going to be great.  I have so much weight and worry on my shoulders but it just doesn't feel like it matters anymore.  How funny right?!  My world seems to be getting better and better all the time.  I realized that I don't need a man to make me happy and that settling for what in the here and now and not waiting for the right guy, is just plain stupid.  I deserve someone wonderful who loves me for me and for what I want and wants it as well.  However, I am not dating for at least a year.  I just can't do it.  I have amazing people in my life from my friends to my family.   I have so much that I'm gonna do with my life still.  I'm gonna travel, make friends, be fool and have fun.  I'm gonna get my MA license, and I'm gonna work in a clinic and maybe even move out of Cache Valley.  I don't think I would mind that so much.  Maybe I'll work in Hawaii for a while or in New York.  Who knows?  Jeff Eddington told me something a few months ago and I knew he was right, but I was in love and couldn't see past that.  But he told me I should live in the here and now.  I had too much life to live to be wasting it.  I needed to live on my own, go travel, make random friends, move away for awhile.  I think he was right, I need to do all of that.  I'm 22 not 35!!! I have too much life to still live to be married and popping out kids.  I want that, but I have a while before I have to do that.  I'm gonna live... I'm gonna have fun... I'm gonna screw up, and goof off and live!!

Answers and Thoughts....

I've been telling people that I just want to focus on me.  I know others thought that was what I should be doing and I know that it's what I needed but didn't know if that is really wanted, now I do.  I've been talking to a guy for the last couple days.  He was really great, so sweet and just a good guy.  But I realized that I just can't do a relationship.  I can't focus on someone else or give energy to someone else.  Jeremy took all my energy and I haven't been able to recharge yet.  I got nothing to give anyone.  I really want to start school full-time (and wish some people would get out of the program so I can start, stupid waiting list) and get a job.  I want to have fun and be free and single and make me a better person.  I want to recharge.  I realized that recharging my energy and healing my broken heart are two different things.  I also realized why letting Jeremy was so hard.  I've been praying and thinking really hard the last few weeks to find some answers.  If I wrote a list of my perfect guy and what he would be like and what qualities have and how he would make me laugh, etc; and someone made him it would be Jeremy.  Besides the cheating things which I didn't know about obviously.  They would have made me Jeremy.  He was my perfect guy.  He held my hand how wanted, he kissed me how I wanted, he held me perfectly, he loved me perfectly.  He was my perfect match.  Here's where it all goes wrong.... If I were to write a list of my perfect life, what I want out of it, where I want it to go, what I want to happen; it wasn't what Jeremy wanted to offer me.  He didn't want to give me the life that I wanted.  He didn't want to sacrifice for me.  He didn't want to share the life that I wanted, or even compromise on the life I wanted.  So, where does that leave me?  I had my perfect guy, but not my perfect life.   Frustrating right?? lol  Then he left me for the girl who has part of the life I wanted... Funny how he can have that life with someone else but I wasn't good to have it with.  Makes me laugh.  I guess I'll never understand that but I think I'm ok with not having to understand it all anymore.  I really am ready for life to be fun again.  For life to show me why it's worth living.  Going out with friends, smiling, making friends, making me a better person, growing up.  I'm happy.  I'm working on me, and I'm figuring me out too.  But I'm not looking to jump into another relationship, I'm not ready to share myself with someone yet.  I thought I was, but I wasn't.  I want to go on road trips with Brady, I want to hang out with random people, I want to forget what heartbreak feels like, I want to remember why I loved school, I want to have a job where I hate my boss again, I want breathe freedom again.  I want to feel like me again.  I'm starting to, I'm starting to feel like me, and feel like who I was, and seeing who I wanted to be.  I'm healing... I love that I can say and I can mean, like really really mean.  I still feel him, it still hurts sometimes, but I don't miss him everyday anymore.  I love that.  I have people who barely know me and friends I've had for a long time who have helped me more than they know.  Thank you: Haili, Jesse, Ashley, Brady, Joshlyn, Sara, Bishop Oldroyd, Trisha, Alyssa, Whitney, Dan, Steph, Katelyn, Katie, Sierra.  I don't know that these people will ever know, but they helped heal.  Leaving tonight with a real smile on my face.....

Yay for me!!

I took my final today in my drug dosages class.  It was 105 points and I could miss 57 and still get a B in the class.  But I only missed 3 and got 97%.  Which gave me 96 % in the class.  The class was only worth 414 points and got 359 points out of the whole class.   I was soooo excited.  I did a little dance in the hallway after I left.  Now all I got to do is get my med term class done and all my prereqs will be finished and all there is left to do is wait for an opening in the Medical Assisting program.  I'm determined to do amazing.  I finished this class in 7 class days.  Which is 2nd best, next to someone who finished in 6 days.  But still I'm so happy and ready to surpass everyone else.  Sounds so conceded but I just don't care.  I'm on a total high. 

Anyway, life is good.  I've got things in order, I'm doing good.  I've met a couple guys but no so sure I'm ready for the whole relationship scene again.  I'm 0 for 3 in the last 3 1/2 years and that just keeps screaming in the back of my head.  But I will take as it comes.  I haven't thought much of him lately.  Maybe cause I've been busy or maybe because I'm starting not to care.  I don't which but I do know I'm less angry lately.  And anger has been the biggest and overwhelming emotion in my life lately.  Not the last few days and sure as hell not today!!

Leaving on a good note.... :)

New Day

I can honestly say that I feel good.  I've moved past most of the darkness and have been doing really well.  I still think about him everyday.  I don't miss him for the most part.  No more dreams and no more tears.  I've actually been pretty angry the last week.  But anger won't help me so I'm trying to ignore those things.  I have lots of flashbacks and think of our memories often.  Sometimes I even wonder if he's thinking about me but I know that's futile.  Why would he, he's busy in someone else's bed, with her baby.  


My drug dosages and calculations class is over on Friday when I take the final.  Yay!  Super excited/nervous.  I start taking Medical Terminology probably next week.  I have to take it online which I'm not too happy about but maybe I can speed through it quicker.  I don't know.  It sounds like I'm going back to Pizza Hut.  I'm desperate for a job and it's the only job I'm pretty much guaranteed.  Sucks but income is income and I can't be picky.  I got stuck with more debt than I ever wanted or deserved but then again, you never know what people will do.  I have to start somewhere to get out of it.  


I've gone back to church recently.  Trying to find some kind of peace in all my misery.  I've met some new people and found some friends.  Every time I go I seem to meet more and more people.  I've spoken with the Bishop and he is more than understanding and comforting.  I feel like my heart heals even more when I'm there.  I get out more during the week with all the activities.  I'm meeting people my age and spending time with young adults.  It's nice.  I feel supported and respected.  I don't know how to explain how much that means to me.  I've kept my past to myself.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me or avoid me like the plague.  But for now, I'm starting to feel myself become happy again.  I worry about the future still.  I wonder if I'll always be single, if I'll ever have a family, if I'll ever be able to move out of here (i hope so).  But I'm content lately.  I still feel the sting everyday but it doesn't hurt as much anymore.  It's a good thing.
 

Good Friends Make Better Days

It's good when you have good friends that just help you feel better.  Out of all my friends right now Ashley and Brady are the ones that have helped me through this.   Whenever I talk to one of them I always feel better.  Ashley and I talked tonight about a bunch of things.  She always has some insight and makes me feel better.  Like moving on is my only option because it's the only thing that I deserve.  Like all the bad will be quadrupled by the good that will come.  Brady always makes me laugh when it just feels like I want to cry.  He doesn't push the issues that are hard to talk about and changes the subject when he knows that I can't and don't want to talk about it.  Even though I don't have friends I see everyday and get to "hang out" with all the time.  I have quality friends.  Friends who are concerned about me and want the best for me.  Tonight the conversation with Ashley really pulled me out of this funk I have been in the last week or two.  It's really nice to hear from people who are not your family that you're worth more and that you deserve more.  I do.  I don't know that I'm always a quality friend to them, but it makes me want to be a better friend to them.  I want to bring clarity to them like they have brought to me.  I want to help them through the hard times.  I want to be that person that are to me.  Ashley and Brady I want you to know how much you mean to me.  I want you to know that your friendship is so important to me and has helped more than any other person.  You two are amazing people and are my best friends.  But more than that you are my heroes.  Without you two I may not be who I am nor where I am today.  I love you both.  

I can do better.  I can be better.  I deserve better.  I will find better.  I will be happy someday.

Gray

I'm so tired of complaining and being in such a funk.  I thought I was so over this.  I thought I had put it behind me but the last week and a half I just move anywhere.  I'm stuck in the quicksand of heartache.  Somedays I'm so angry I want to "Lorena Bobbit" every man I see, others I can't keep the tears away.  I want so badly to move forward.  I want to look into my future and see good and let the past be the past but this gray unyielding heartache has just enveloped my world.  I don't let myself be happy and try my best to put my next foot forward but I've been standing still for a week and a half and just don't feel like myself.  Somedays I don't feel like it's even worth getting out of bed and moving, and even breathing.  I want so much, and so badly to put it behind.  To bury the pain, to set it aside and let myself get over it.  I just can't.  I don't know what to do.  Even when I start to look into my future all I do is question it.  Can I love again?  Can I be open and vulnerable again?  Can I trust?  Will someone truly love me?  Will my heart ever really heal?  I can't answer any of these, and some all I answer is no.  I feel like the longer this goes on the more broken I feel.  The more of myself is slipping away.  The more I don't feel like me and the harder it is to see the road that leads back to that person I was.  I feel myself getting harder and bitchier.  I hate who I see myself becoming but I don't know how to move on.  I hate myself more and more.  I hate myself for it all.  Why is this worth it?  Why?   I want to give up.  I want to throw in the towel and quit fighting for it all. 

Momentum

I have had all this momentum lately.  I have felt like I was moving forward leaving garbage behind me.   Moving toward something positive.  And yesterday I had my feet knocked out from underneath me.  It feel like I am starting over.  I know I should quit looking for things cause I'll always find them, but it just screams to me that I wasn't good enough.  It looks totally different than what it looked like for me.  I want to throw up the last two days.  Am I really over him?  Somedays I know I am.   Somedays I'm 100% positive.  I know I deserved more and needed more than what he could give me.  But then there are days like the last two where I just want him back.  My mind is spinning.  I hate how I feel right now.  I don't cry or freak out but that pit in my stomach is back and with vengeance.  My anxiety is sky high again and all I want to do get rid of it.  I have moments where I'm ok, but all the things I have to distract me just haven't done it for me lately.  I was a slinky going down a flight of stairs.  I was getting close to the bottom with plenty of speed and then all of a sudden I stop.  I miss him crazy, and then I don't.  I want him back and then I don't.  I know I need more and I know if he were to come back I would want more.  More than he can give me.   Not more apparently than he can give her but still.  Makes me wonder why I wasn't enough, why he didn't fight for me.  I know I'm talking and thinking in circles.  I know it sounds so screwed up.  All I want to do is drink myself into a coma everyday, but I can't.  I want a job to distract, I want school full time to distract me.  I want a rebound guy to distract me.  Anything at all.  I want to find that momentum that I had at first.  I want to feel like I'm moving forward again.  I just have run out of ideas on how to do that.  My mind is screaming while I'm trying to stay sane.  It's unbelievably frustrating right now.  As much as I loved him and all the memories I love to reminisce, sometimes I feel like if I could erase the whole time I could move forward.  Then I realize that I could never do it, even if I had the chance.  I wrote down all my goals and things I wanted in life.  Smaller and more direct list than the once I posted on here.  I know that 75% of that list he could have never given me.  And they are things that I deserve to have in my world and he agrees.  So, I should be able to just start moving again and moving forward but there are just days where I want to live in the what ifs and feel like complete and utter shit.  I guess this week is that time for me.