A little better.

I feel a little better today.  My world still feels upside down and like a tornado and blown threw, but the pit in my stomach is not as big.  My anxiety has let up a bit and I'm starting to be able to focus on other things.  It's been tough trying to get the "whys" outta my head and stop picturing them together but it's getting easier.  I've started running at nights.  Run 5 out of the last 6 nights.  Makes me feel a little better and it's been getting easier and easier to run.  Have felt pretty sick the last week and a half and at first I thought it was the stress and all the distress and heartbreak.  But now I'm thinking I have a stomach bug.  I just can't eat and feel so yucky.  I start school in a week and a half and have already started reading the book.  It helps keep my mind occupied.  I've read and completed the first couple chapters.  I'm trying really hard to find a job but it is just so freakin' hard.  I've applied to so many places and turned down for most and the rest haven't heard back on.  I'm getting really frustrated but trying not to let it get me down.  I want to work a swing shift job so that I can go to school.  Brynndle is picking up on my depression.  She mopes around alot of the time.  She won't eat either.  She has barely eaten in the last 4 weeks.  It's totally freakin' me out.  I've tried a lot of things to get her to eat but she just isn't buying any of it.  I miss Jeremy terribly.  I'm still angry but all I keep thinking about was a the good things, all the great memories.  All the times he was good to me and took care of me.  It makes me cry to think that while I was in love with him he was falling in love with someone else.  It's really hard to think that to feel that.  I'm trying to not let it affect me, but when I think about it, it makes me hate myself, makes me feel less the worthy.  I gave up so much for this relationship.  When we started I had good credit, money saved up, a decent car (lol), a job and I left this relationship with nothing.  It's hard to start from nothing.  I wish I never had agreed to go on the road.  We would still be living in our house and happy.  Talking about a baby and designing the house.  Picking out the colors for the inside and outside.  And designing the rooms.  But then again; it was his dream, we were both giving up it all to go after his dream.  The dream that tore my heart apart and left me heartbroken at home.  It's so hard to go through it all in my head.  As strange as it sounds; I love him still.  :'(  But today it's just a little easier.  I breathe a little easier and focus on other things easier.  I want to call him every minute still and talk to him and feel better; but I won't.  Hopefully tomorrow I will feel a little better too.  I don't want anymore set backs. 

I'm an idiot!

All the signs were there.  All the nights he didn't want me.  All the days he avoided me.  All the times he couldn't come home.  I knew.  I knew it all along.  But finding out was like getting punched in the stomach.  Like a hot knife through my heart.  I want to scream!  I want to yell!  I want to break things!  I want to hit someone.  I want destruction and pain!  I want to cry till I'm sick and never want to eat again.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not pretty or skinny enough.  I'm everyone's second choice.  Why doesn't anyone love me back.  I really did love him.  I really did care.  I never would have taken someone else.  I never would have lied and stayed with someone else.  I can't see my smile anymore.  I can't stand to look in the mirror.  I hate myself.  I hate myself for opening my heart.  I hate myself for loving him, for sharing myself with him.  Why?  I just want to cry and scream.  I'm so stupid.  I was ok with it.  The break up and the ending it.  I was a little sad and I missed him.  But now I never want to see him again.  I never hear his voice.  A voice that lied.  Why won't someone love me back?  Why won't someone chase me, and love me, and want me?  I'm so angry and so hurt, so so hurt. 

Future

Do you think that you can really rise above all that is thrown in front of you?  Can you come back after the world crashes down over your head?  Can you achieve all you dreamed and be happy for the rest of your life without having a million "what ifs"?  I look down the road.  I know what I want to do and what I want to achieve and I picture myself in 10 years with all things I want, but is that a reality?  Can it really happen?  Is it really what I want or will I find regret when I have everything I want?  I want to go to school and work in the medicine.  I want to love my job.  I want to find real love.  A man who will love me unconditionally and spend his days making me happy, someone who makes me smile and laugh and me spend my days doing the same.  I want 3 children.  A boy and 2 girls (although this can alter a bit lol).  I want to be financially secure.  Not rich by any means but I want to be able to pay the bills and still have a little left over at the end of the month, and a little in savings.  I want to be a happy family that has picnics on Saturday afternoons.  I want the day to end and I want to be able to smile with all that I have in my life.  But is it something that I can actually have, or will have?  My life seems like a whirlwind of questions, fears, and complications.  I've never felt so lost or so afraid of what my life will be.  Will I be alone for the rest of my life?  Will I never achieve what I want?  Will I spend my life full of regrets and under achieved dreams?  I've never been so afraid of what the future holds, or how my life might turn out.  It's so frustrating.  I have spent the few days contemplating what I want out of life.  I have a very good idea of what I want.  I know the important things that I want, and know the things that I don't want.  But now that I know these things I'm afraid of not getting them.  I trying to live one day at a time and tackle the small things that I encounter everyday but maybe that will leave me regretting the big things that I never tried to conquer.  It's like texas hold'em.  You never know if what you're betting will be worth it until all the cards are out on the table.  I can only see what I have on the table right now and I'm betting all that I have, on the hope that I'll win, that I'll get it all in return.  I'm so afraid to see the other cards on the table. 

Heartache

Tuesday night Jeremy and I broke up.  Long story short; we mutually decided that we loved each other but that we needed different things in life and that we would be better off if we did it without each other.  We weren't as happy as we once had been.  We talked it out and figured things out and he left on Wednesday morning.  I felt good.  Like I was turning over a new page, starting a new chapter in my life.  I decided that I would focus on getting a job and getting back to school (going to BATC for medical assisting).  I felt really good.  Then I went to bed.  With Jeremy being on the road I've crawled into an empty bed 95% of the time for the last few months, but it was different this time.  I burst into tears and cried until I ran out of energy and fell asleep.  It wasn't that I regret our decision or that I want to to call him in the middle of the night to take me back, cause I don't.  It was that Jeremy is this wonderful man, who loves and cares about me, and is always good to me.  And now he'll never sleep next to me.  I'll never wake up next to him.  I'll never have him hold me on one of those days where I a little extra help to get through the day.  I don't have someone I can confide in about everything.  I'll never do his laundry and laugh about his shirts being so holey.  He's gone and it's really over.  He's my "ex" now.  That sounds so awful.  I didn't realize how hard this would be.  I assumed that because we broke up and it was easy.  No fighting or arguing or name calling or throwing things, I thought that it would never hurt.  But it does.  It took me by surprise, the tears and the hurt all snuck up on me.  I love Jeremy and he will always have a piece of my heart, but I want so much out of life.  I want to conquer it all and find myself.  But right now I just want the hurt to go away, I want to not feel on the verge of tears, I don't wanna feel the empty when I crawl into bed.  I don't wanna look back at all our wonderful and amazing memories together, and feel so sad.  I want to feel happy and good about our life we lived together, but I just can't right now.  Why do I feel so heartbroken when we decided together that it was better if we ended things?  I know that I have so much to offer this life and so much to achieve right now while I'm young.  But I'm really scared that I'll be alone for good now.  That I'll never have the opportunity to wake up next to someone I love ever again.  I just never expected this at all. 

Lotsa new stuff

Do you ever feel like life is a total roller coaster.  So many things in life plateau, but never life itself.  I always feel like there is stuff going up and stuff going down all at the same time.  haha  

Life is crazy here at home.  Jeremy and I have been living with Grandma and Grandpa since January.  It has been a major change in our life and seriously challenging.  But for the first time in a long time I feel on top of all the challenges coming our way.  

Jeremy and I bought our first ever truck.  This has been one of Jeremy's dreams for a long time (with the idea ad long-term goal that we would buy a few trucks and have a lucrative business running after a couple years) and we decided that it was damn time that he went after it.  So in the beginning of the year we bought our first truck.  A beautiful blue 2003 Kenworth W900, and she was all ours.  heehee  Then naively went straight into a huge hole.  We didn't quite know what we were doing and had a bunch of unknown obstacles that got in our way and looked to take away our dream before we were up and running.  After finding out for a few reasons that as of right now the big companies that would take owner/operators wouldn't hire Jeremy because of a bad UA on his past record, we decided that we would hire us a driver.  NO NO NO, it was a bad idea.  A driver who we originally liked and thought this would be a great first driver turned out to be a complete moron after only just a couple weeks, he didn't know what the fuck he was doing and pissed us off a great deal.  errrrrr  He costs us a lot of money, made us a lose a lot of money and pretty much ripped us off and left the truck.  Douchebag!!!!  (still a bit frustrated with him, errrrr)  Anywho, after this moron left we spent the next month looking for another driver.  Meanwhile, while we were looking we were digging ourselves a beautiful little hole of debt that seemed to be enveloping our lives.  Every time it seemed to be one thing catching up or getting better, something else would break, get lost, need more money, and it was frustrating as hell.  We finally agreed on a new driver who was cleared and approved by the company we were leasing to.  We used the last of our money that month in gas to meet him in SLC and take him to the truck and meet him in person, yada yada yada.  Anyway, he never showed, never answered his phone, a text, nothing.  Two days later we heard from him and by then, ya right!  So for a few days there were some tears, some arguing, some seeing our dreams being crushed before we could really start to live them or get them off the ground.  It was hard to face the idea that we would have to give up already.  Then by a miracle in one week Jeremy got 3 jobs!!!  All driving our own truck.  Then we just had to decide which it was gonna be.  Jeremy chose Hendrickson Trucking out of California and went over the road and began living his dream.  He was making his own money, being his own boss, in his own truck.  It has been wonderful.  Not saying we still haven't hit road bumps and pot holes but still life is looking up.

Jeremy also a beautiful, wonderful, and talented daughter who is 12, named Katelynn.  She is an amazing girl with more potential than she even knows.  Jeremy has loved his little girl since the day she was born.  He goes on and on about her somedays and just beams when he does.  A very proud papa somedays.  Although he has always been a part of her life and has always had a hand in helping raise her, lately he has not.  When Jer split from his ex in the winter of 09, she took Katelynn to California with her.  It has not been easy seeing her and living so far away.  He misses more than anything in the world.  It is so hard for him all the time to have his baby girl so far away and be missing out on her growing up.  And let me tell ya she is growing up so fast.  She is quickly changing from a little girl to a young woman and it seems like it is happening over night.  Well, Jeremy and I have decided that it has been long enough, little visits here and there are not enough.  We are going to move to California to be closer to her.  It is important that he be a part of her life again, and part-time is just not good enough.  Within the next 6 to 9 months we are moving out there to be near her.  We are so happy to be near such a beautiful ray of sunshine.  Although we are sad to be leaving Utah, and Cache Valley in particular and the people we love here; she is so much more important.  Those of you parents out there I'm sure understand completely.

As many of you know I have worked for Pizza Hut for nearly 3 years and I have love it dearly (whatever), but as of a few days ago I have given my notice.  I once again am leaving the Hut.  I'm not all that sad.  There are a few people I will miss, but for the most part I'm glad to be leaving.  I am going over the road with Jeremy again.  Not as exciting as the first time since we will be sticking to the west coast for the most part but still being apart for us is super hard and we just can't do it any longer.  We would rather be cramped in a small space for weeks on end and with each other (and of course our lovely and beautiful Brynndle) than apart for weeks at a time missing one another miserably.  So once again, after Memorial Day, and Sie's Graduation, we will be embarking on a new adventure. YAY

That is all I have to say tonight.  Hope you feel a little caught up with the lame life I live.  And as lame as it is to you, that is how much I love it.  Thanks for catching up with me.  Ciao

Cassie The Most Awesomest

Frustration and spilling my guts

Does life ever seem like it gets more and more frustrating the more and more you fight to get control!  I work hard everyday to make plans and map out my life on lists, and plans.  I do finances on every piece of paper and napkins and check my math over and over again.  It always looks positive, like my life is moving in the right direction but then a few days later it is getting worse not better.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my boyfriend, and I love our family.  I'm just frustrated with our situation right now.  Our future looks bright, and promising but right now our roads are rocky and treacherous.  I am looking for another job right now that will pay better or have better hours.  It is really necessary for Jeremy and I's relationship.  Jeremy had a job interview today for an 8 to 5 job and I work at nights.  I would never seem him and that does not work for me at all.  But I have lots of hope that finding a job will come sometime soon. 


Jeremy and I have been talking about having a baby for the last 6 months, and even tried for a while to have a baby.  I have a condition that makes it really hard for me to pregnant and it will take a lot of trying for us to ever have a baby.  The last little while I have had a hard time with the fact that it seems like there are all kinds of babies around me.  People that I've known for years are having babies, friends are having babies, even girls I babysat are having babies and I have always wanted one and I don't.  I know it seems silly and selfish but I have always wanted to be a mother, I have always felt like I would be a good mom.  And the opportunity to raise a child and teach them to be a good person, to have the opportunity to show them how to treat people, and how to be a positive part of society.  Anyway, Jeremy and I talked lately about how we are going to make this happen, and I think we finally we have come to a real understanding.  I think once life becomes a little more stable and things are looking up we are gonna try again, and really try this time.  If that doesn't work I'm thinking about adoption.  I don't know a lot about adoption but I have been reading a bunch of stuff online about adoptions and it looks promising.  All I know is I want a family and I want to be a mom.  


Today, is just today, but tomorrow has lots to offer and we never really knows what it will offer.  Sometimes its more than we could imagine, sometimes its something difficult that we have to find new strength to work through, and sometimes its something nothing you'd ever guessed you would get in life.  Life is just life, it's hard, and easy, it's tough and complicated, it's simple and stressful, but it's also fun, and satisfying.  


That's all I want to vomit on this page today.

Rough Roads

Have you ever felt like you are drowning but can see the surface.  That is exactly how I feel, and have felt for the last 2 months or so.  I get so frustrated about money when it just doesn't come enough, and frequently.  I feel like I can see the end but its just far enough away that it makes me crazy.  I can see us getting out of debt here shortly but for now I am just getting frustrated.  But I have a plan, and a plan is good way to start digging yourself out of debt.  It's a good plan that will work, but it is going to take a minute to get started.  I have a job, Jeremy is looking for a job, and the truck is moving and making money!

We are also trying to move out of Grandma's house and find a place of our own but that is seriously a hard thing right now.  We do not want to move into an apartment if we don't have to, but we wouldn't mind a townhouse or a small house for rent for the next couple years.  But looking for somewhere to live is a pain in the ass.  We have a dog and we will not give her up for anything.  So that means who ever we rent from has to allow pets and then the deposit is way more too, but Bryndle is totally worth it.  

Anyway that is my bit of venting for today.  Now I have to go get ready for work!!  Ciao