Frustration and spilling my guts

Does life ever seem like it gets more and more frustrating the more and more you fight to get control!  I work hard everyday to make plans and map out my life on lists, and plans.  I do finances on every piece of paper and napkins and check my math over and over again.  It always looks positive, like my life is moving in the right direction but then a few days later it is getting worse not better.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my boyfriend, and I love our family.  I'm just frustrated with our situation right now.  Our future looks bright, and promising but right now our roads are rocky and treacherous.  I am looking for another job right now that will pay better or have better hours.  It is really necessary for Jeremy and I's relationship.  Jeremy had a job interview today for an 8 to 5 job and I work at nights.  I would never seem him and that does not work for me at all.  But I have lots of hope that finding a job will come sometime soon. 


Jeremy and I have been talking about having a baby for the last 6 months, and even tried for a while to have a baby.  I have a condition that makes it really hard for me to pregnant and it will take a lot of trying for us to ever have a baby.  The last little while I have had a hard time with the fact that it seems like there are all kinds of babies around me.  People that I've known for years are having babies, friends are having babies, even girls I babysat are having babies and I have always wanted one and I don't.  I know it seems silly and selfish but I have always wanted to be a mother, I have always felt like I would be a good mom.  And the opportunity to raise a child and teach them to be a good person, to have the opportunity to show them how to treat people, and how to be a positive part of society.  Anyway, Jeremy and I talked lately about how we are going to make this happen, and I think we finally we have come to a real understanding.  I think once life becomes a little more stable and things are looking up we are gonna try again, and really try this time.  If that doesn't work I'm thinking about adoption.  I don't know a lot about adoption but I have been reading a bunch of stuff online about adoptions and it looks promising.  All I know is I want a family and I want to be a mom.  


Today, is just today, but tomorrow has lots to offer and we never really knows what it will offer.  Sometimes its more than we could imagine, sometimes its something difficult that we have to find new strength to work through, and sometimes its something nothing you'd ever guessed you would get in life.  Life is just life, it's hard, and easy, it's tough and complicated, it's simple and stressful, but it's also fun, and satisfying.  


That's all I want to vomit on this page today.

Rough Roads

Have you ever felt like you are drowning but can see the surface.  That is exactly how I feel, and have felt for the last 2 months or so.  I get so frustrated about money when it just doesn't come enough, and frequently.  I feel like I can see the end but its just far enough away that it makes me crazy.  I can see us getting out of debt here shortly but for now I am just getting frustrated.  But I have a plan, and a plan is good way to start digging yourself out of debt.  It's a good plan that will work, but it is going to take a minute to get started.  I have a job, Jeremy is looking for a job, and the truck is moving and making money!

We are also trying to move out of Grandma's house and find a place of our own but that is seriously a hard thing right now.  We do not want to move into an apartment if we don't have to, but we wouldn't mind a townhouse or a small house for rent for the next couple years.  But looking for somewhere to live is a pain in the ass.  We have a dog and we will not give her up for anything.  So that means who ever we rent from has to allow pets and then the deposit is way more too, but Bryndle is totally worth it.  

Anyway that is my bit of venting for today.  Now I have to go get ready for work!!  Ciao

New Year, New plans

It's been a while since I've written but I've got a lot to say.  First off, Jeremy and I have been talking for the last year about buying our own truck and starting our own business.  In the middle of December we got some good news.  After months of looking at trucks and trying to figure out how to get a truck financed our boss decided he wanted to sell his truck, and we were on the top of his list.  On the 1st of January we became the proud owners of our very own truck.  A 2003 Kenworth W900 and a flatbed trailer.  But after our good news, we got some bad news.  We had a really hard time trying to find a job.  Jeremy is an excellent driver, but our registration was up on the truck and we were stuck in Dallas, Tx.  We filled out application, after application but no luck.  Our problem was that a year ago Jeremy failed a piss test and so far we have been able to hide that fact from smaller companies but the big companies always seem to find it.  Now that we needed new registration and didn't have our own authority we needed a company to pay for it.  The bigger companies would pay for our plates and registration, but wouldn't hire Jeremy; and the smaller companies would hire Jeremy but wouldn't pay for our registration.  So, pretty much we were fucked.  After being stranded in Dallas for a week, we decided to spend the last of our money to pay for our fuel to get home and figure out a solution.  With no insurance on the truck, plates that were expired, and the last of our money and fuel we fled home.  We made it but barely and nearly broke.  After trying again by filling out applications, and talking to companies; even trying to get a loan from family and friends to get our own authority and registration, Jeremy came up with our solution.  We decided to hire a driver and put them in our truck.  The problem wasn't the truck but the driver.  Jeremy is a great driver and hasn't had any issues but the messed situation a year ago made this an almost impossible situation.  So, we posted some want ads for a driver and had a lot of people interested and sent out a bunch of applications but for whatever reason only had one come back.  Scott was our best likely candidate (mostly cause he's the only one who sent back an application).   We sent his app and information to GreatWide and waited for a response.  After 3 weeks of being unemployed, broke, stressed and frustrated our driver was hired by GreatWide and then we were just waiting for them to send us our registration, plates, and stickers for the truck.  As of 3 days ago Scott was in the truck moving and starting to get paid.  We also in the process of all of this sold our trailer, since we didn't need the flatbed.  We posted an ad again ( we are getting really good at placing online ads), and sold our trailer for $10,000 and got to keep 1000 of that, the rest went to our truck payment, and for the first time in more than a month we had money.  Our phones had been turned off, and our insurance had been cancelled, now we were starting to catch up, finally.  I was getting scared, worried, frustrated, and it was hard, but we worked out way through it and came out on top.  Thank God!

Jeremy and I have been wanting to take a real vacation together, just us, but haven't had the time or money.  With owning our own truck we are now able to pursue things like this we have decided to plan a vacation.  We look into cruises, resorts, and many different places but we have decided on Sandals, Monterey Bay in Jamaica.  An all inclusive, luxury resort in Jamaica with beautiful white sand private beaches, drinks included, meals included, water sports and land sports, snorkeling, diving, and beautiful sunrises and sunsets all included.  We are getting a beach walk-out honeymoon suite, and I could not be anymore excited than right now.  We are going to get to go zip-lining, swim with dolphins for a whole day, and see things we never have seen before all with each other.  I'm so excited, we will be saving for the next year and will be going over our 2nd year anniversary next January.  It's so great because our first Valentines Day we spent apart, our first anniversary we were broke and on the road trying to get home on 0 money, and our 2nd Valentines Day we may not be able to do anything because I'm working on getting us caught up on bills and debts.  I hate that we  have not been able to spend those special days that are supposed to celebrate our love together or have spent it broke and not even got to go out for dinner or anything special.  But next year we are gonna be able to spend it in a beautiful place with each other and I'll be his arms.  I love Jeremy more than anything else on this earth and he make me happier than anyone ever could, and more than I ever thought I deserved.  He is so good to me.  We are also going to be able to take Katelynn to Disneyland sometime this spring for a couple days.  I love spending time with that beautiful little girl.  I also love watching Jeremy and Katelynn together, it is so precious and beautiful.  He is a great dad and tries so hard to be a the best dad as possible.

Because of our upcoming vacations, I have decided that I can no longer look like this anymore.  I have made it my goal to lose 80 to 100 lbs in the next year.  That breaks down into about 20-25 lbs every 3 months during this year which I believe is actually very doable.  I have been doing Akins for the last month and it is a lot harder than you would think.  This week I have failed trying to keep to my diet and it has been really hard but on the 1st I am going back on it and going to stay on it.  I want it to do this for me and my health.  As much as I don't always like the way I look, and the fact that I have gained 30 lbs in the last 4 months while living on the truck and 20 more lbs on top that in the last year.  It's awful and I hate feeling like I can't do things because of my weight.  Also on our vacation next year there are weight restrictions on certain activities that I want to do.  I don't mind be overweight, or chubby, or even a bigger girl; I don't have to be "skinny" but I want to be healthier and I want to be at a comfortable weight, that makes me feel better in my own skin, and  more confident in how I look and feel.  So, for the next year I will keep you informed on my successes and my failures, and hopefully my triumphs in the end.  This will be one of my biggest challenges and hardest trials but I am so focused and so ready to do this for good, and make myself a healthier and better person and grow from this experience.

Until next time

Cassie

Ahhhhh So Much To Tell

Jeremy and I have been all over the country, literally!!  Here's our list Utah, Colorado, New Mexico, Texas, Oklahoma, Missouri, Illinois, Indiana, Ohio, Pennsylvania, New York, Vermont, New York, Massachusetts, New Hampshire, Maine, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virgina, North Carolina, Tennessee, Kentucky, Missouri, Oklahoma, Texas, New Mexico, Arizona, California, Nevada, and Utah again!!!!  Okay so its has been a very great and long adventure and we're not really done yet.  I loved Pennsylvania, Maine, and North Carolina.  They were beautiful and I've met some strange people along the way.  I fell outta the truck onto my back and head in Ohio and had a concussion which took me a couple days to get over but I'm fine now.  Saw some nasty snow, and sleet, and freezing rain in Maine and really nasty accidents.  Met some pretty awesome truckers who made me laugh.  I saw my friend Hope in Virginia who is recently married and about to have her first baby, a boy, in December.  It was great to see her and catch up with her again.  She so great.  I also saw my grandma Erma Jean in Southern Cali while we were there and her husband Gary.  They took us to lunch.  I love catching up with them and seeing them.  Then we stayed a weekend with Jeremy's mom and his daughter Katelynn.  She is so cute and we had so much fun with her.  We played lots of video games including Guitar Hero, where I sang, and sucked and they filmed it.  Grrrrr.  Anyway we loved seeing her and spending time with her she is such an amazing girl.  Then we came home for Thanksgiving.  We spent it with my family and took 5 days off.  It has been wonderful and we are getting ready to get back to work.  I love spending time with my family and friends.  Seeing my mom and dad, and my sisters.  I loved seeing some friends and spending lots of time with Jeremy.  I know it seems funny but when we're on the road we don't actually spend quality time just a lot of quantity time. 
     Right now I'm dealing with a dilemma.  I have a possible opportunity for me and taking my career to the next level.  Making some real money and being a real boss.  But at the same time, we are trying really hard to bring Jeremy's dream of being his own boss and having his own small business to life.  I have been helping him with that and pushing him to succeed and I really want it for him.  But if I take advantage of this opportunity it could put his dreams on hold again.  I don't think that's fair, and I want it for him but he wants me to be happy.  I am so frustrated and torn and I really don't know what to do.  I have a bit to think about it and make a real decision but not all that long.  What should I do???

It's Been A Busy Week

I met Jeremy in Ogden on Wednesday night and we've been running since then.  His load needed to be dropped off in Brigham City Thursday morning and then we hung around Ogden until Friday night when we got a load in Myton, Utah.  We headed to Myton which is over by Duchesne.  We woke up early Saturday morning to load up with hay.  It was seriously cold and took a long time to load up.  Then Jer taught me how to tie down the load.  After about 3 hours of loading and tying down the hay we headed out for Oklahoma City.  We drove through a very pretty canyon just before Price, Utah.  Then we drove down through arches and it was really neat seeing all the red rocks everywhere.  Didn't really see arches but then again we were on the highway.  Then we headed through Colorado but only for about 80 miles.  New Mexico was next and we drove about the whole length of NM, we went through Albuquerque and it felt very different from small town Utah.  It took forever to get to Texas but we finally got there!  Texas was always one those states I wanted to see but never had.  I didn't see all that much yet but it was interesting.  The people were very friendly and a little odd.  HaHa  It got dark and I got tired and went to bed but Jeremy went over the border to Oklahoma.  In the morning I was in a brand new state that I had never been to.  Oklahoma has been fun.  Its so weird to be in a state where I can see forever.  No mountains and barely any hills.  The roads are awful we bounce constantly in the truck.  It makes for interesting conversation.  lol  We unloaded in Purcell, Oklahoma which is just south of Oklahoma City.  The ranch we unloaded at was absolutely huge with such detail and precise, neat property.  It looked like something out of a movie.  While waiting for the owner of this ranch Jeremy, Brynn, and I played frisbee.  Brynn finally got bored and did her own thing.  She's still kinda small for a frisbee she more or less just stumbles over it again and again.  But it was super cute.  Jeremy is not so good at frisbee either.  I would throw it to him and he'd catch it and then he'd throw it a mile from where I was standing  and I'd have to play fetch.  That game gets old!  :P  Then we headed for KMK's office in El Reno, OK which is just outside of Oklahoma City.  I met the boss Darrin who is .... different.  Not sure about him yet.  I also met the secretary Diane who is kinda funny and can be a little intimidating.  Definitely a self proclaimed bitch.  We loaded up one piece of pipe and drove it to Stillwater, Oklahoma about 85 miles from KMK.  Kinda strange load but KMK was trying to make nice with an old client.  Whatever miles is miles.  Now we are waiting for a load outta here and I'm hoping to go somewhere new.


We have seen some interesting things.  Texas was definitely interesting in and of itself.  I know I'll see more of Texas and I'm sure I'm in for some more surprises from them.  Oklahoma has been fun.  Seen some cool sights, some awesome art and sunsets.  We saw a car on fire on the freeway yesterday.  Met a guy at a truck stop who was nice enough to talk to us, however I couldn't understand a word he said.  For those of you who have seen Jeff Dunham, remember Bubba Jay ok he talked just like him only you couldn't understand a word!  He seemed like a nice enough guy though.  At Subway I met some interesting Texans.  They were very outspoken and hilarious.  They made me laugh, the guys there kept calling me pet names and joking with me.


The days are starting to run together and I actually had no idea what day of the week it was today, I couldn't even tell ya if it was the end or the beginning of week.  It was unnerving a bit.  Long hours of driving and some beautiful country that we are driving through.  All the time we are trying to potty train Brynn.  It is actually going pretty well, since I got on the truck last Thursday we have had a total of 3 accidents.  She is also getting  kennel trained as well.  When we are outside she stays pretty close too.  We haven't had to put a leash on her yet although she is getting a little more adventurous and wanders just a bit.  Brynn is a little bit of a terror and likes to chew on everything and Jeremy and I are trying our best to get ahead of her by taking away things she likes to chew on and giving her lots of chew toys(she is quite spoiled).  She has chewed through one of Jeremy's phone chargers, one of my flip flops, my lotion bottle, and countless napkins.  And even though she barks like one, Brynn is no bad ass but is kinda a sweetie.  She likes to bark and play but she can get a little mean.  She is a totally food whore, she will find it anywhere and eat it.  Outside she will find the grossest piece of leftover food on the ground and try to eat it.  I have pulled out trash, old chocolate cake, a half of a fork, a piece of already chewed gum and countless other disgusting things out of her mouth.  She is a pain in the ass, but she is so friggin' cute.  Well we gotta run and go get fuel and lunch, I'll let ya know when we are heading somewhere new.  

Yay! Good News!

Jeremy called me this morning to tell me he was loaded and headed for Utah!  I was so happy.  It has been almost 2 weeks and I'm so excited to see him.  Its has been way too long and being apart for this long sucks!  I don't know how girls wait for guys on military leave or those waiting for missionaries.  I couldn't do it!  This was so fucking hard!  But now he is on his way he'll be in 2 days and I'm ecstatic.  I get to meet our new puppy too.  While Jeremy was in Phoenix last week he went and got me a puppy.  We named her Brindle (Brin for short), she is 10 weeks old and is a chihuahua/fox terrier mix.  She is tiny and brindled and kinda looks like a teeny tiny pitbull.  I haven't met her yet just have received a bunch of pictures and videos that Jer has sent me in the last week.  I have already gone out and bought her a bunch of stuff to spoil her toys and treats and other things.  We were so sad to have to give away our other dog Daisy, but she was just too big for our new living quarters.  But Jeremy and I love dogs so we decided to go and get a little dog for us, and when we settle down in a house we'll get a big dog (Jeremy loves big dogs). 

For the next 2 days I'll be doing laundry, packing up our belongings, getting a few items  we need on the truck, going to see my family for a little bit and getting more and more excited as the time passes.  This is the home stretch and I'm so grateful that its almost over.  As most people know Jeremy and I are not married, although I do believe our lives do resemble a married couple.  I think sometimes people think that because we aren't married that we don't share that bond like other couples do.  That our love isn't as strong or that our lives aren't connected as strongly as those who are married.  But in fact we do love each other very much and we do share a very special bond.  We are each others best friends, and we know secrets about each other only few know.  We share things that are very personal and we miss each other very much when we are apart.  I believe marriage is the cards for us at some point but it just isn't the right time for that.  Children are also in the cards as well but we need time with each other before we have kids.  We have our whole lives to have kids.  Right now we are having an adventure, seeing new places, meeting new people, visiting our families, and sharing memories and time with each other, and that's good enough for me.

In Cache Valley and Missing Jeremy

Jeremy and I have been apart from each other for almost 2 weeks now and I miss him so much.  It has been lovely being back in Cache Valley and visiting family and friends and catching up with loved ones, but my love is a thousand miles away and I ache for him.  You really don't know how much you love someone until you can't see them everyday.  I miss being in his arms and lying with him at night listening to him breathe.  My bed has been so empty for this last while.   I never thought I would be in love like this or be with someone who treated me so well and loved me so deeply.  He is my best friend and my other half.  I look forward to his phone calls everyday and enjoy every bit of them and its so hard to say goodbye and hang up even after hours on the phone.  His loads have taken him further away than I expected and away from each other much longer than we expected.  He was supposed to be here a week after I left him and it just hasn't worked out yet.  I'm so ready to be home with him.

For some good news I went on vacation with my family to the cabin in Island Park.  It was so great to see them all and spend time with them.  We spent time in the park and with each other.  The girls are growing up so much and have their own personalities that can be chaotic and incredibly fun.  After we came back from the vacation I spent a couple days with Kevin and Sheena Munro.  Great people and great friends of mine.  We have caught up and gone back into our usual routine of Pizza Hut visits, dinners at their house late at night, and long conversations.  They have been great friends with a lot great advice and never allowing me to feel sorry for myself or make excuses for myself.  I also saw Nicole Simpson, one of my best friends from my childhood who has always made me feel comfortable with myself when others haven't.  She is so funny and we always have an incredible time together.  Even since we were in high school, some of my best memories from high school were with Nicole.  We went and had drinks and met a creepy old man.  And Grandma and Grandpa just came home for a few days and I went to dinner and caught up with them. 

All in all it has been a great little while here in Cache Valley but now I'm ready to go home and home is with Jeremy!  I'm more than ready to see him, hug him and kiss him!!