A Change in my Heart

So, my whole world has turned completely around.  I've gone from angry and sad, to happy and giddy all the time.  I don't have a specific reason to be happy all the time but I just am.  I have new and wonderful friends, I have a job (whew), I have school (kinda), I have a great family, I have new clothes (:D), I had a crush for a while (which was fun, but over lol).  I have just so much in my life that is positive and great that I can't help find peace and comfort in it all.  I read a poem a friend wrote a few days ago and it made me think.  

"...The waters that flowed along the rolling hills

The streams whose currents carved the very face

Of my portrait seem to have dried up

Now a miry pit of mud and despair

Yellow, sweet yellow is gone

All the other colors I would have expected

To depart from me at this time

But, gone, gone, gone, gone is my yellow.

I am waiting for the rest to go.

My mind draws a blank

My image is fading

Gone is the portrait,"
-Joe Willes
(I hope he's ok that I used his poem)

It just made me think of all the people in our lives that come and go but change who we are.  Some of them leave scars and others change our hearts but they all help shape us into the people we are.  Whether they are family or friends or examples we look up to they all shape us.  I have scars from people that are gone in my life, I've had people who let me down, and I have had people lift me up but they have all made me a stronger and better person.  Some have shown me what I don't want to be others have shown what I want to be.  It was such an eye-opening message for me.  It helped me cope with some of the pain that I have been dealing with and see it in a different light.  So, maybe next time something happens, someone leaves, someone dies, someone lets me down.  I can look at the experience and see how they changed me for the better or made me stronger because of the experience.  My heart is changed for so many reasons.  It's a little more guarded towards love but it's also open to truth and light.  It's also opened more for friends and good examples in my life.  My face glows a little more right now, there's a little bit of a bounce in my step, there is a brighter color of green in my eyes... I feel amazing.  I'm content with my life.  I have goals and direction.  I have friends who support the choices I'm making in my life.  How could I not be a happy woman right now?! lol

Happy and full of Hope!!

I met a guy a few weeks ago and didn't really talk to him but I had this feeling about him and it was 2 weeks until I saw him again and I got butterflies.  He didn't really notice me, so I kinda gave up on it.  A couple hours after seeing him we starting chatting online and I got butterflies again.  It seemed silly cause we didn't really know each other at all.  I've seen him a few times lately and got to know him.  Now, here comes the good part I guess.  I don't think he's interested in me which is fine.  He wrote the most beautiful thing to a woman and it made me smile.  But it was so great to crush a guy again.  It's been so long and I was very worried for a long time that I wouldn't ever let myself crush anyone again or open up to a man again.  So, it's not a big deal and I'm not gonna cry over him.  But it was fun and liberating to feel things again.  To feel freed from all the chains of hating myself.  I love myself.  I smile everyday and enjoy my life right now.  It's wonderful.  I love my life and where it is going.  The stresses in my life are slowing dissolving and escaping.  I have more hope for my life and myself right now than I think I ever have.  I'm the happiest woman right now and not for any one particular reason.  I feel like things are coming together for me.  I love the friends I have and have made recently.  I love having Brady home and love having church in my world again.  I love the hugs and the encouragement I get everyday.  I love being in control of my world and not feeling like I have to live in someone else's life.  I've made leaps and bounds not only with my life but with myself as well.  I've never loved myself the way I love myself right now.  I wouldn't change me.  I have things I want improve on with myself but I like me. 

Need to do More with my Life

Been considering so many things in my life lately.  I've got a general direction that I'm heading in (education, career, job for now, get out of debt) which is fantastic, but there are so many things that I'm also considering doing.  Like I've wanted to find way to volunteer for Humanitarian Aide efforts and help others in countries that have nothing.  I want to find something new in my world.  Like maybe moving somewhere else for a year and discovering a new side to myself.  The more and more I overcome this pain (from so many different places in my life) the more I realize I want more to my life, I want to become a more rounded person, I feel like I have more depth to myself that I have yet to discover.  There has been this part of me lately which feels like I was this empty shell of a person for the last few years and I could have been developing myself better but instead I was focused on things that were keeping me an empty person.  Now, that I'm moving forward I want so much more!  More life, more spirituality, more education, just more everything.  I want to contribute so much more to this world.  I know that I have so much to offer this life and I have been held back up until now.  I want to travel, I want to help, I want others to have something eased by something that I've done, or contributed to.  I know that life has the basic sketch of birth-education-career-marriage-family-death but there is so much more to living and I'm realizing this more and more every day.  Haven't you ever felt like there was something you needed to achieve in this life that wasn't what everyone else expected from you?  That's what I want.  You just wait and see, in a year I'm going to have done something that mattered!  That mattered to someone other than myself.  I'm gonna make my time worth something.  And maybe on this path of new self-discovery I'll find a new perspective, a new goal or maybe even love.  I think I do deserve real love in my life from someone who actually means it.  Who knows maybe I'll find it when I'm least looking for it.