Wow over a year?! Worst blogger ever!

OK.  So, about a week ago a friend reminded me that I used to blog.  Then I reminded myself that I actually used to love it.   And I haven't blogged in about 16 months.  Seriously??  There has been so much that has happened in the last while.  I'm gonna try and catch up on the highlights at the very least. 

May 2012
Last spring I decided that I needed to "reinvent" myself and find my independence again.  I wanted to do something on my own to prove to myself, I guess, that I didn't need someone else to have adventures in my life.  I decided I wanted to go to Seattle, Washington.  I planned my trip down to every  last detail.  I had plans to explore every inch of Seattle.  But when I finally arrived it went straight to Hell.  Most of it had to do with the fact that my car rental did not go as planned and had to find a different rental.  I only had enough money with me to rent a car for 2 days and I was there for 5 days.  I also had booked a room outside of the city to save money.  So, I had to cram everything into 2 days.  I went to the aquarium, Pike's Market, the Space Needle, and the zoo and wandered around Seattle.  I loved every second of it.  I loved the atmosphere and the people.  But the last 2 days I didn't do much.  Finally the last day I needed out of my room.  I walked 4 miles to a state park and spent the day hiking through the thick forest and walking on the beach of the Puget Sound and spending the day in the rare sunshine of Seattle.  The worst part was that I missed seeing my friend Hope.  I was really sad that it didn't work out to see her and her beautiful family.  Maybe next time.  But my vacation turned out to be an amazing experience and really made me feel like me again.

June 2012
My best friends Sheena and Kevin had a beautiful baby girl, River.  She is so beautiful and looks just like her dad.  She is nearly a year old now and I don't get to see her as often as I would like to but it has been amazing to see her grow up.  I love when I get to see her and see how much she has grown up.  She is so smart and a joy to spend time with.  She is also strong willed and only has things her way.  I love that Sheena and Kevin have allowed me to spend so much time with her.  

I got a new job.  Now I'm working at the Beehive Grill as the weekend part time office assistant.  I love this job.  It has been a little challenging.  I'm a social person and am stuck in an office but I do love the busy work and don't miss the customers and all the complaining.  I'm still working at the Pizza Hut as a shift manager but hopefully not for much longer.  

July 2012
July was hellish.  The second weekend in July every year we have a soccer tournament called the Cache Valley Cup. This year we brought in 187 teams and over 10,000 people from out of the valley.  My family has been involved with it 7 out of the last 9 years and it takes over our lives.  This last year I got roped into more than the average volunteering and it took over my life for about 4 weeks.  It was so much to handle.  I helped with our Friday night dinner, our book, all the shopping, check in, and all the other volunteering during the week. 

I also took my annual trip up to the cabin and this year I brought up some girls from my relief society.  Shannon Moore, Heather Condie, and Chelsea Funk.  We had so much fun and definitely had a unique adventure.  We had a close encounter with a moose on the river and in the same day had a close encounter with a bison, in fact two of them.  We played UNO while watching wolves, on a plateau in Hayden Valley with about 100 other people intently waiting for the wolves to make their grand appearance.  We hiked a bunch, met new people, giggled a ton, and enjoyed ourselves very much and was a much needed break for me after Cache Valley Cup.

Fall
Life has quieted down a bunch and life consists of busy weekends.  I work both jobs during Friday and Saturday and Sunday just at Beehive, and the rest of the week is usually a lot less busy.  I didn't do much at all this fall.  My life seems pretty boring looking back.

Winter
Please let the cold end!!  This winter seemed especially cold and miserable.  However, I'm not a big fan of the cold and snow and horribleness of this season.  (and the hot of summer doesn't do much for me either)  Anyway, I reconnected with my friend Trisha and we have been hanging out and doing stuff.  Which has been a nice change for me.  I haven't been doing a lot of anything besides work for a long time now.  She is great and I just love her to pieces.  I also found out this winter that my wonderful friend Callista Madsen (Christopherson) is pregnant and due in June.  Her and her wonderful hubby will be having a boy this coming summer and I'm so happy for them.  It was very unexpected by the parents-to-be but they are happy about their upcoming family developments.  Also, my great friend Jesse Pitcher got married this winter.  He married an amazing girl named Heidi and they are just so cute.  I am unbelievably happy for him.  He deserves such great happiness and has really found it in Heidi.  Congrats again!

In January my sweet Brynndle died.  I miss her terribly every day and think of her all the time.  Brynndle was very sweet and loving but last summer she was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder that made her aggressive when she was scared.  I took her into the vet and they evaluated her and put her on some drugs to keep her level.  I also started some intensive training to help her recognize when she was scared and what she should do.  But things happen that trigger her to lash out.  When she did lash out she would get super sad and would pout for days after.  On Christmas this last year she had an episode and went after the cats in the house twice in one day.  She didn't kill them but she did hurt them.  She didn't even seem like Brynn when it happened.  After, she was sad for days and wasn't really herself.  We think something triggered her and we are not really sure what did.  But I went to her vet and we talked about the episode.  He told me she was now exhibiting multiple types of aggression and they were not all controlled by drugs.  We discussed our options and I went home to think.  After a few days I decided that the best thing would to be to put her down.... It was really hard on my family and they reached out for other options but this was safest.  Besides Brynndle didn't like when she would lash out either and she would get so sad.  I spent a week with her and we did things she loved.  Then I took her in.  It was the hardest day of my life.  I let my poor baby go and live with her Heavenly Father.  I miss her greatly.

Spring has Sprung
 OMG thank goodness!!  I hated the cold.  The warm and rain has been a wonderful change to the winter awfulness.  This spring has seemed to jump up out of nowhere and is speeding by (awww stop going so fast).  Although I haven't had a lot of free time lately to enjoy it, I have had a few hours of reading in the sunshine so far and look forward to so much more.  

UPCOMING
Well, this week my mother and I are off to VEGAS!!  We are having a girl's weekend with my Auntie Fonda!  We have so much planned.  We are going to see Cirque de Solei Mystere, Bodies, Secret Gardens and Dolphin Habitat, Shark Reef, Bellagio Fountains, and go shopping and get pedicures and have fun and mostly relax.  It is a well deserved vacation for all of us and I can barely contain myself.  

Also, I am going full time at The Beehive Grill next month.  This makes me sooooo happy I cannot even explain.  I have been looking forward to this for about 6 months and it is nearly here.  I will be working Mon-Fri during the day and no more nights.  Yessss!  I'm am one happy girl.  

Cache Valley Cup is quickly approaching again this year.  This year I have taken upon myself a ton more with the tournament and been cracking the whip with the rest of the board hoping to get the ball rolling faster and smoother this year.  It is shaping up to be big and awesome this year.  Please come join us!  

That is all the highlights I can come up with for this last 15 months.  I am going to be better and write again soon.  I will talk about me a little more next time (haha).  Also hope to have pics from Vegas and lots to share there.  

A new year

Do you ever catch yourself wondering what life might be like?  Recently I've been thinking what I would be doing right now if I hadn't made some decisions this year.  I wonder if I would have been happy or if I would have regretted it down the road.  My life makes sense but it doesn't mean I'm not sad or that I don't miss him.  I think about Jeremy often.  I wonder what he is doing or if he ever thinks about me.  I wonder if he says bad things to his "wifey " about me.  I wonder if he ever thinks what our lives would be like now if we were still together.  It doesn't really matter I guess.  Life is what it is.  I'm happy now.  I have demons I deal with now that I didn't have before.  I worry I won't be enough again when the next guy comes along.  I worry that there will always be another woman who will be better than I am.  I worry I'll never let myself love again or trust again.  But they are my own demons.  I have thought a lot lately about where I was a year ago.  How I felt and what my life was like.  I was so in love.   I was in Texas with another broken ankle.  Jeremy was again helping me with everything.   I was trying my best to encourage him to make his own way and keep up with trying to live out his dream.  I was happy and I was in love.   Now it all seems silly and maybe a waste.  I learned so much about myself and love and life but I also learned the dark parts of life.  Like anger, pain, hurt, loss, heartache, and I felt not good enough for anyone.  Life has a way of teaching you tough things without remorse.  But I also learned this year that God loves me, I have great friends that love me and that I can be happy again.  I don't know if I will ever find love again.  I don't know if I will trust again.  But I hope I will on both accounts.  I have a lot of healing to still do.  I'm doing it on my own time and in my own way and that is perfectly alright.   But just in case .... Jeremy I do miss you.  I do think about you.  I do hope you are happy.  I am happy.  And I'm also glad we don't talk and we didn't stay friends because if we had I don't think I could have ever moved on.  I don't hate you.  I forgive you.  Someday I hope that I see you and I will remember the good and not the bad.   I don't know if you even read this anymore but thank you for the life you gave me.  I'm sorry I wasn't what you needed but I hope someday I will be what someoneneeds else needs.  Be happy.

23 Birthday wishes....

So, I feel like this is going to be the last year that I can get really excited about my birthday and act like a child and be absolutely immature about my birthday and so, I'm going to be just that.  I think that after this year I should really treat my birthday like everyone else treats their birthdays and that is you dread the age and get over it.  So, I'm going to make 23 wishes (of which I doubt highly of getting any but it makes things fun!) and next year I'll grow up!  Promise!


My 23 Wishes (in no particular order except for the first one, I want that one the most!)


1. Ryan Gosling!!
2. Surprises; a million and one of them!
3. An amazing cake
4. Balloons and streamer decorating my room
5. Flowers (preferably lilies or calla lilies)
6. To have a song sung to me other than the normal Happy Birthday that everyone sings badly (at least in my family)
7. Kiss from a cute guy ;)
8. Cute notes and posts from friends about how wonderful I am
9. A birthday party I don't know anything about
10. Not to be reminded I share my birthday with a ton of other people I know
11. To be told I look young for my age
12. Pretty jewelry
13. A new outfit that makes my butt look great hehe
14. Gifts that are not wrapped in christmas wrapping paper
15. NO SNOW!!!
16. Not to be woken up at some crazy hour to have some surprise before the sun comes up
17. A manicure!
18. A new hair style (I'm so over the one I have now)
19. Good news (about anything that has to do with me)
20. To spend the day with the family and friends I love so much
21. To have nothing happen that would spoil my day!
22. The pair of shoes I want from Maurices (I would also like to wear them to church!)
23. To have an unforgettable day that was all about me!


Now, all if this is selfish and childish and that is just fine with me.  My birthday is my favorite "holiday" and "I want, what I want, when I want it" - Terri Jean Baker.  I have no expectations that any of this will happen but wouldn't it be great! lol  So, that's all!  6 Days!!! (don't judge for this post please!)

Insecurties

I was talking to a friend today.  We were talking about boys and the ones we like and relationships.  We were also talking about being burned.  It seems like when those men who we love turn around and burn us real good we end up questioning ourselves so much.  We find ourselves insecure with things in our lives.  Now, don't get me wrong; I really like myself.  But I find myself trying to answer questions I won't ever get answers to and evaluating all my flaws and forgetting the good things about me sometimes.  But most of all I worry that someday I find someone to love again and never trust them.  I'll always think that someone better will come around the corner and they'll leave me.  I can't ever be the best thing for anyone; they could always do better.  My friend was in a similar situation and she feels like she has to be on and fun all the time or the guy will split.  I totally understand this.  I understand that there are great things about us all but I think that all these women around me are so much greater.  So, then it's just time before the men will figure out that there is a better woman out there.  It's an unfair judgement to me and the men, and the other women around me; but I can't stop.  Now, I've been thinking about this and why are we letting these shitty men control our lives long after they are gone?  Why do they still have such a hold on us when our hearts have let us go?  It's so stupid.  We have to go back to believing that there are great men still out there.  That the don't all cheat, leave, and break our hearts.  That they won't all leave us burned and hurt in the end.  We have to believe that some of them are still great.  That some of them can really love us.  We have to let the anger go, the insecurities go, the uncertainty of men's fidelity and trustworthiness.  We have to go back to believing we are worth something to them.  I'm going to make it a goal to start believing in the best things about me again.  I'm going to stop thinking that all men cheat and are not worth my time, my heart and my trust.  I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt because if I don't someday I'll run the one I love out of my life because my heart is afraid.  I can be happy, I can trust, and I can let someone in.

25 Things I'm Thankful For

I decided that I would do the unoriginal list of things I'm grateful for... I'm thankful for a lot of things this year.  They are no particular order but here they all are.

I'm thankful for....
1. my family who have been patient with me the last few months while I get my life back in some kind of order.
2. my truck.  I don't like it much, but I am thankful that I have some kind of mode of transportation and well, it's kinda growing on me.
3. my job.  I have not always liked working for Pizza Hut but I am thankful that I have a source of income again.  
4. the gospel.  It has been a process going back but I've never felt more comfortable in my life and in my own skin than I do right now in my life.
5. my balance.  I've really found my kind of balance.  I've found myself and found a good balance between all the things in my life; my friends, my family, my opinions, my beliefs all of it!!
6. Katie.  I'm so grateful for her, she's been one of my best friends and we really seem to help each other the last few months.
7.  Sierra.  For her attitude, she seems to always have a better way of looking at things whether it's a better attitude or a worse one I love it.
8. Rayna.  My relationship with Rayna has been rocky but I love her and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
9. my mom and dad.  They have always been an example with their marriage in what we should hold out for and strive to have when our day comes.
10. my old friends.  For being supportive of me and my decisions in my life and the support I got this summer from them.  Even those who live far away! ;)
11. my new friends.  With going back to church I have made some great new friends who have given me the conviction to keep going back and who continually give me the extra push when I need it.  A special thanks to Brenna Clarke, Joni Severe, Jill Stapley, Joshlyn Carmona, Shannon and Shanda, Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, and Joe Willes.  You guys have made my life easier and sweeter in the last few months and I owe you guys so much.
12. my Brynndle.  She is the sweetest dog and knows when I need her the most.  I'm so grateful to have a welcome home like one she gives me every time I walk through the door.
13. Jeremy.  It sounds strange but without him I wouldn't have found parts of who I am and grown as a woman.
14. to not be with Jeremy anymore.  I am grateful that I have been able to move forward with my life and start to achieve goals that I wanted to achieve and find myself. 
15. patience.  I don't have a lot but I have some and it has really been good for me.  I've needed it a lot lately.
16.  the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I feel like without it I would still be in the dark that I lived in for a long time.  I'm healing and I'm moving forward and I've never been more happy in my life and with myself and the decisions that I'm making.
17. Bishop Oldroyd.  He's been such an example to me.  He's been so great with me and supportive and understanding.  He's also been a rock in the last few weeks with the passing of his wife and I hope to have the faith that he has.
18. music.  Music truly heals the heart and guides the mind.  It has been the one thing I've reached for every time I've needed that extra push.
19. Brady.  Oh Brady, what would I do without you.  A best friend really knows what you need when you need it and understands better than almost anyone.  Thank you! :)
20. prayer.  My prayers have been fervent and honest and sincere.  They have been a saving grace and a needed comfort in my life.
21. living in Cache Valley.  Some days I feel trapped in this small town but there are a million and one great things and perks about living in a place where you truly love your neighbors and trust those around you.
22. my institute class and Brother Larsen.  I just can't say enough.  I love digging into our talks every week and think about them daily.  And Brother Larsen is amazing!!  I don't know how that man teaches the way he does and it feels like he's talking one on one with you while teaching an entire class.  
23. my hair, my feet and my eyes.  They are my favorite features and I love them.  It sounds weird but we should all me thankful for the assets we've been given rather than hating those we don't like. 
24. being a sister and a friend.   It's something I love to be and to do.  I love being there for the people around me and helping them with the things in their lives.  I love feeling like people can trust me and rely on me.  
25. myself.  I like who I am.  I like who I am becoming.  I like most things about myself.  I don't feel like there are things I should hate about myself.  I think I'm a good person.  I'm an honest person now.  I'm a strong person.  I'm worth it even though its hard to remember from time to time.  


There is my list.  You may not agree with some things but it's not for you it's for me. 


Happy Thanksgiving!!

Meet My Brynndle

I have an amazing and beautiful dog named Brynndle.  She is a year and 3 months old and I've had her for a year.  She was a gift to me from my ex and it was the best thing that he ever gave me.  She is a little slow and she might not be all there mentally but she is so great and makes my day every day.  She is goofy and loves to play.  Her favorite game is tug-of-war and she'll play catch with her pink ball.  She loves ripping the fluff out of toys so I've learned to buy toys without fluff and only with squeakers in it!  She isn't the most obedient dog ever but she will sit most of the time you tell her to and she goes to bed every time you tell her to.  She is so cute when she goes to bed.  She'll crawl into her doggie bed at night and long before I go to bed.  Then when I finally go to bed she waits til I fall asleep and then crawls in bed with me.  If it is cold in the room she'll crawl into the covers and if it's not then she'll sleep on top but always curled up next to my tummy.  In the morning she will either cry to let her out or she will jump on me, lick my face and my hands, and if that doesn't wake me up to play with her she has learned how to dig the covers off of me and that will do the trick.  Her best friend is mom's cat that is mentally retarded named Frosty and they play with each other every day.  She can be the biggest pest and the sweetest girl all at the same time.  I have all sorts of nicknames for her that she answers to "sweetness", "baby girl", "pretty girl" and I love her so much.  When I am sad she will cuddle with me and when I cry she cocks her head to one side like she doesn't understand then she curls up next to me with her head on me.  When we get home she gets super excited and jumps on everyone.  She loves my dad but she's afraid of him at the same time.  She gets excited when he comes home and wags her tail and wants him to pet her but when he gets close she jumps back.  It's so cute to watch.  She is afraid of everything.  She is afraid of blankets (except hers which she is very protective of), loud noises, things that don't belong in a room, hats, dolls, costumes, and new people.  She barks every time someone comes to the door.  It's definitely annoying but no one will ever break into this house.  She needs to meet people a few times before she decides if she likes them and with men it's kind of hit and miss if she will like you or not.  She loves french fries, potato chips, apples and popcorn.  And she does NOT like grapes and bananas.   She loves watching other dogs on TV.  When two people are wrestling in the house she will pick a side and attack the other person and really gets into it and playing with them.  I love it, it is the cutest thing.  She is my baby and I love her with all my heart!!!  

                                                          Brynn driving the truck

                                                           Brynn as a puppy sleeping

                                                     Taking a nap with Terri

                                                        Looking for Moose in Maine                                                 

                                                           My baby girl on my lap

                                                  Brynn as a puppy in her coat

Smiling for the camera

Playing outside

Looking for her ball

                                                        All grown up Brynndle

My Birthday

December 11, 1988
I know I have more than a month but I love my birthday... I hate that it's in December and that it's in the winter but it's still my birthday.  I want an amazing birthday this year.  I know I won't get it but I can wish it IS my birthday!! lol  I'm turning 23 which I am having a problem with and I don't really understand and no one else does either but I thought I would make a list of all the things I want for my birthday and maybe someone who reads this will do one or possibly two of them.  I figure I deserve it cause I have had a seriously bad year this year, but then again who cares... it is only my birthday..

- I want to be truly surprised.
- I do NOT want my truck to be "decorated" lol (Sierra! Katie! Brady!)
- I want a hundred choruses of "Happy Birthday"
- I want flowers ( white calla lilies preferred)
- I want cute little notes passed to me all day
- I want a bouquet of balloons that does NOT have an "over the hill" saying on it
- I want to have sushi
- I want to come home and find my room decorated in balloons and streamers and banners.
- I want a kiss from a cute boy (even if it doesn't mean anything)
- I want to be kidnapped by friends and have a party!! (not at some odd hour of the morning/night)
- I want someone to make me a mix CD of all the songs that makes them think of me
- I want a date that week with someone awesome!
- I want to find little surprises every where!
- I want a scavenger hunt that leads me to something awesome!!
- I want it to NOT snow!!
- I want a million compliments about how cute and silly and fun and great I am!!! ( am I getting prideful?? lol)
- I want 24 hours just about me!!

I think I deserve a great birthday this year... That is just me of course.  lol  I'm not this selfish usually but I get one day out of 365 and I want a good one this year! Last year it was a half-assed effort, the year before I threw my own party, the year before nothing, the year before that nothing, and so on.  The last real celebration for my birthday was when I turned 16!!  It's about time I get a real party!!  So, get me flowers and balloons and write me a love note or poem and sing to me and get me a great piece of cake!!  That's all I'm asking!!  Is it too much?? lol  I'll repost this when it's gets closer! lol  And can anyone explain to me why I'm so upset about turning 23??  It's not like 25 or 30.  It's nothing spectacular!  I don't get it?? For any of you out there who actually read this I'm just excited about my birthday and sending birthday wishes you don't have to take this literally!! lol