I'm an idiot!

All the signs were there.  All the nights he didn't want me.  All the days he avoided me.  All the times he couldn't come home.  I knew.  I knew it all along.  But finding out was like getting punched in the stomach.  Like a hot knife through my heart.  I want to scream!  I want to yell!  I want to break things!  I want to hit someone.  I want destruction and pain!  I want to cry till I'm sick and never want to eat again.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not pretty or skinny enough.  I'm everyone's second choice.  Why doesn't anyone love me back.  I really did love him.  I really did care.  I never would have taken someone else.  I never would have lied and stayed with someone else.  I can't see my smile anymore.  I can't stand to look in the mirror.  I hate myself.  I hate myself for opening my heart.  I hate myself for loving him, for sharing myself with him.  Why?  I just want to cry and scream.  I'm so stupid.  I was ok with it.  The break up and the ending it.  I was a little sad and I missed him.  But now I never want to see him again.  I never hear his voice.  A voice that lied.  Why won't someone love me back?  Why won't someone chase me, and love me, and want me?  I'm so angry and so hurt, so so hurt. 

Future

Do you think that you can really rise above all that is thrown in front of you?  Can you come back after the world crashes down over your head?  Can you achieve all you dreamed and be happy for the rest of your life without having a million "what ifs"?  I look down the road.  I know what I want to do and what I want to achieve and I picture myself in 10 years with all things I want, but is that a reality?  Can it really happen?  Is it really what I want or will I find regret when I have everything I want?  I want to go to school and work in the medicine.  I want to love my job.  I want to find real love.  A man who will love me unconditionally and spend his days making me happy, someone who makes me smile and laugh and me spend my days doing the same.  I want 3 children.  A boy and 2 girls (although this can alter a bit lol).  I want to be financially secure.  Not rich by any means but I want to be able to pay the bills and still have a little left over at the end of the month, and a little in savings.  I want to be a happy family that has picnics on Saturday afternoons.  I want the day to end and I want to be able to smile with all that I have in my life.  But is it something that I can actually have, or will have?  My life seems like a whirlwind of questions, fears, and complications.  I've never felt so lost or so afraid of what my life will be.  Will I be alone for the rest of my life?  Will I never achieve what I want?  Will I spend my life full of regrets and under achieved dreams?  I've never been so afraid of what the future holds, or how my life might turn out.  It's so frustrating.  I have spent the few days contemplating what I want out of life.  I have a very good idea of what I want.  I know the important things that I want, and know the things that I don't want.  But now that I know these things I'm afraid of not getting them.  I trying to live one day at a time and tackle the small things that I encounter everyday but maybe that will leave me regretting the big things that I never tried to conquer.  It's like texas hold'em.  You never know if what you're betting will be worth it until all the cards are out on the table.  I can only see what I have on the table right now and I'm betting all that I have, on the hope that I'll win, that I'll get it all in return.  I'm so afraid to see the other cards on the table. 

Heartache

Tuesday night Jeremy and I broke up.  Long story short; we mutually decided that we loved each other but that we needed different things in life and that we would be better off if we did it without each other.  We weren't as happy as we once had been.  We talked it out and figured things out and he left on Wednesday morning.  I felt good.  Like I was turning over a new page, starting a new chapter in my life.  I decided that I would focus on getting a job and getting back to school (going to BATC for medical assisting).  I felt really good.  Then I went to bed.  With Jeremy being on the road I've crawled into an empty bed 95% of the time for the last few months, but it was different this time.  I burst into tears and cried until I ran out of energy and fell asleep.  It wasn't that I regret our decision or that I want to to call him in the middle of the night to take me back, cause I don't.  It was that Jeremy is this wonderful man, who loves and cares about me, and is always good to me.  And now he'll never sleep next to me.  I'll never wake up next to him.  I'll never have him hold me on one of those days where I a little extra help to get through the day.  I don't have someone I can confide in about everything.  I'll never do his laundry and laugh about his shirts being so holey.  He's gone and it's really over.  He's my "ex" now.  That sounds so awful.  I didn't realize how hard this would be.  I assumed that because we broke up and it was easy.  No fighting or arguing or name calling or throwing things, I thought that it would never hurt.  But it does.  It took me by surprise, the tears and the hurt all snuck up on me.  I love Jeremy and he will always have a piece of my heart, but I want so much out of life.  I want to conquer it all and find myself.  But right now I just want the hurt to go away, I want to not feel on the verge of tears, I don't wanna feel the empty when I crawl into bed.  I don't wanna look back at all our wonderful and amazing memories together, and feel so sad.  I want to feel happy and good about our life we lived together, but I just can't right now.  Why do I feel so heartbroken when we decided together that it was better if we ended things?  I know that I have so much to offer this life and so much to achieve right now while I'm young.  But I'm really scared that I'll be alone for good now.  That I'll never have the opportunity to wake up next to someone I love ever again.  I just never expected this at all. 

Lotsa new stuff

Do you ever feel like life is a total roller coaster.  So many things in life plateau, but never life itself.  I always feel like there is stuff going up and stuff going down all at the same time.  haha  

Life is crazy here at home.  Jeremy and I have been living with Grandma and Grandpa since January.  It has been a major change in our life and seriously challenging.  But for the first time in a long time I feel on top of all the challenges coming our way.  

Jeremy and I bought our first ever truck.  This has been one of Jeremy's dreams for a long time (with the idea ad long-term goal that we would buy a few trucks and have a lucrative business running after a couple years) and we decided that it was damn time that he went after it.  So in the beginning of the year we bought our first truck.  A beautiful blue 2003 Kenworth W900, and she was all ours.  heehee  Then naively went straight into a huge hole.  We didn't quite know what we were doing and had a bunch of unknown obstacles that got in our way and looked to take away our dream before we were up and running.  After finding out for a few reasons that as of right now the big companies that would take owner/operators wouldn't hire Jeremy because of a bad UA on his past record, we decided that we would hire us a driver.  NO NO NO, it was a bad idea.  A driver who we originally liked and thought this would be a great first driver turned out to be a complete moron after only just a couple weeks, he didn't know what the fuck he was doing and pissed us off a great deal.  errrrrr  He costs us a lot of money, made us a lose a lot of money and pretty much ripped us off and left the truck.  Douchebag!!!!  (still a bit frustrated with him, errrrr)  Anywho, after this moron left we spent the next month looking for another driver.  Meanwhile, while we were looking we were digging ourselves a beautiful little hole of debt that seemed to be enveloping our lives.  Every time it seemed to be one thing catching up or getting better, something else would break, get lost, need more money, and it was frustrating as hell.  We finally agreed on a new driver who was cleared and approved by the company we were leasing to.  We used the last of our money that month in gas to meet him in SLC and take him to the truck and meet him in person, yada yada yada.  Anyway, he never showed, never answered his phone, a text, nothing.  Two days later we heard from him and by then, ya right!  So for a few days there were some tears, some arguing, some seeing our dreams being crushed before we could really start to live them or get them off the ground.  It was hard to face the idea that we would have to give up already.  Then by a miracle in one week Jeremy got 3 jobs!!!  All driving our own truck.  Then we just had to decide which it was gonna be.  Jeremy chose Hendrickson Trucking out of California and went over the road and began living his dream.  He was making his own money, being his own boss, in his own truck.  It has been wonderful.  Not saying we still haven't hit road bumps and pot holes but still life is looking up.

Jeremy also a beautiful, wonderful, and talented daughter who is 12, named Katelynn.  She is an amazing girl with more potential than she even knows.  Jeremy has loved his little girl since the day she was born.  He goes on and on about her somedays and just beams when he does.  A very proud papa somedays.  Although he has always been a part of her life and has always had a hand in helping raise her, lately he has not.  When Jer split from his ex in the winter of 09, she took Katelynn to California with her.  It has not been easy seeing her and living so far away.  He misses more than anything in the world.  It is so hard for him all the time to have his baby girl so far away and be missing out on her growing up.  And let me tell ya she is growing up so fast.  She is quickly changing from a little girl to a young woman and it seems like it is happening over night.  Well, Jeremy and I have decided that it has been long enough, little visits here and there are not enough.  We are going to move to California to be closer to her.  It is important that he be a part of her life again, and part-time is just not good enough.  Within the next 6 to 9 months we are moving out there to be near her.  We are so happy to be near such a beautiful ray of sunshine.  Although we are sad to be leaving Utah, and Cache Valley in particular and the people we love here; she is so much more important.  Those of you parents out there I'm sure understand completely.

As many of you know I have worked for Pizza Hut for nearly 3 years and I have love it dearly (whatever), but as of a few days ago I have given my notice.  I once again am leaving the Hut.  I'm not all that sad.  There are a few people I will miss, but for the most part I'm glad to be leaving.  I am going over the road with Jeremy again.  Not as exciting as the first time since we will be sticking to the west coast for the most part but still being apart for us is super hard and we just can't do it any longer.  We would rather be cramped in a small space for weeks on end and with each other (and of course our lovely and beautiful Brynndle) than apart for weeks at a time missing one another miserably.  So once again, after Memorial Day, and Sie's Graduation, we will be embarking on a new adventure. YAY

That is all I have to say tonight.  Hope you feel a little caught up with the lame life I live.  And as lame as it is to you, that is how much I love it.  Thanks for catching up with me.  Ciao

Cassie The Most Awesomest

Frustration and spilling my guts

Does life ever seem like it gets more and more frustrating the more and more you fight to get control!  I work hard everyday to make plans and map out my life on lists, and plans.  I do finances on every piece of paper and napkins and check my math over and over again.  It always looks positive, like my life is moving in the right direction but then a few days later it is getting worse not better.  Now, don't get me wrong, I love my life, I love my boyfriend, and I love our family.  I'm just frustrated with our situation right now.  Our future looks bright, and promising but right now our roads are rocky and treacherous.  I am looking for another job right now that will pay better or have better hours.  It is really necessary for Jeremy and I's relationship.  Jeremy had a job interview today for an 8 to 5 job and I work at nights.  I would never seem him and that does not work for me at all.  But I have lots of hope that finding a job will come sometime soon. 


Jeremy and I have been talking about having a baby for the last 6 months, and even tried for a while to have a baby.  I have a condition that makes it really hard for me to pregnant and it will take a lot of trying for us to ever have a baby.  The last little while I have had a hard time with the fact that it seems like there are all kinds of babies around me.  People that I've known for years are having babies, friends are having babies, even girls I babysat are having babies and I have always wanted one and I don't.  I know it seems silly and selfish but I have always wanted to be a mother, I have always felt like I would be a good mom.  And the opportunity to raise a child and teach them to be a good person, to have the opportunity to show them how to treat people, and how to be a positive part of society.  Anyway, Jeremy and I talked lately about how we are going to make this happen, and I think we finally we have come to a real understanding.  I think once life becomes a little more stable and things are looking up we are gonna try again, and really try this time.  If that doesn't work I'm thinking about adoption.  I don't know a lot about adoption but I have been reading a bunch of stuff online about adoptions and it looks promising.  All I know is I want a family and I want to be a mom.  


Today, is just today, but tomorrow has lots to offer and we never really knows what it will offer.  Sometimes its more than we could imagine, sometimes its something difficult that we have to find new strength to work through, and sometimes its something nothing you'd ever guessed you would get in life.  Life is just life, it's hard, and easy, it's tough and complicated, it's simple and stressful, but it's also fun, and satisfying.  


That's all I want to vomit on this page today.

Rough Roads

Have you ever felt like you are drowning but can see the surface.  That is exactly how I feel, and have felt for the last 2 months or so.  I get so frustrated about money when it just doesn't come enough, and frequently.  I feel like I can see the end but its just far enough away that it makes me crazy.  I can see us getting out of debt here shortly but for now I am just getting frustrated.  But I have a plan, and a plan is good way to start digging yourself out of debt.  It's a good plan that will work, but it is going to take a minute to get started.  I have a job, Jeremy is looking for a job, and the truck is moving and making money!

We are also trying to move out of Grandma's house and find a place of our own but that is seriously a hard thing right now.  We do not want to move into an apartment if we don't have to, but we wouldn't mind a townhouse or a small house for rent for the next couple years.  But looking for somewhere to live is a pain in the ass.  We have a dog and we will not give her up for anything.  So that means who ever we rent from has to allow pets and then the deposit is way more too, but Bryndle is totally worth it.  

Anyway that is my bit of venting for today.  Now I have to go get ready for work!!  Ciao

New Year, New plans

It's been a while since I've written but I've got a lot to say.  First off, Jeremy and I have been talking for the last year about buying our own truck and starting our own business.  In the middle of December we got some good news.  After months of looking at trucks and trying to figure out how to get a truck financed our boss decided he wanted to sell his truck, and we were on the top of his list.  On the 1st of January we became the proud owners of our very own truck.  A 2003 Kenworth W900 and a flatbed trailer.  But after our good news, we got some bad news.  We had a really hard time trying to find a job.  Jeremy is an excellent driver, but our registration was up on the truck and we were stuck in Dallas, Tx.  We filled out application, after application but no luck.  Our problem was that a year ago Jeremy failed a piss test and so far we have been able to hide that fact from smaller companies but the big companies always seem to find it.  Now that we needed new registration and didn't have our own authority we needed a company to pay for it.  The bigger companies would pay for our plates and registration, but wouldn't hire Jeremy; and the smaller companies would hire Jeremy but wouldn't pay for our registration.  So, pretty much we were fucked.  After being stranded in Dallas for a week, we decided to spend the last of our money to pay for our fuel to get home and figure out a solution.  With no insurance on the truck, plates that were expired, and the last of our money and fuel we fled home.  We made it but barely and nearly broke.  After trying again by filling out applications, and talking to companies; even trying to get a loan from family and friends to get our own authority and registration, Jeremy came up with our solution.  We decided to hire a driver and put them in our truck.  The problem wasn't the truck but the driver.  Jeremy is a great driver and hasn't had any issues but the messed situation a year ago made this an almost impossible situation.  So, we posted some want ads for a driver and had a lot of people interested and sent out a bunch of applications but for whatever reason only had one come back.  Scott was our best likely candidate (mostly cause he's the only one who sent back an application).   We sent his app and information to GreatWide and waited for a response.  After 3 weeks of being unemployed, broke, stressed and frustrated our driver was hired by GreatWide and then we were just waiting for them to send us our registration, plates, and stickers for the truck.  As of 3 days ago Scott was in the truck moving and starting to get paid.  We also in the process of all of this sold our trailer, since we didn't need the flatbed.  We posted an ad again ( we are getting really good at placing online ads), and sold our trailer for $10,000 and got to keep 1000 of that, the rest went to our truck payment, and for the first time in more than a month we had money.  Our phones had been turned off, and our insurance had been cancelled, now we were starting to catch up, finally.  I was getting scared, worried, frustrated, and it was hard, but we worked out way through it and came out on top.  Thank God!

Jeremy and I have been wanting to take a real vacation together, just us, but haven't had the time or money.  With owning our own truck we are now able to pursue things like this we have decided to plan a vacation.  We look into cruises, resorts, and many different places but we have decided on Sandals, Monterey Bay in Jamaica.  An all inclusive, luxury resort in Jamaica with beautiful white sand private beaches, drinks included, meals included, water sports and land sports, snorkeling, diving, and beautiful sunrises and sunsets all included.  We are getting a beach walk-out honeymoon suite, and I could not be anymore excited than right now.  We are going to get to go zip-lining, swim with dolphins for a whole day, and see things we never have seen before all with each other.  I'm so excited, we will be saving for the next year and will be going over our 2nd year anniversary next January.  It's so great because our first Valentines Day we spent apart, our first anniversary we were broke and on the road trying to get home on 0 money, and our 2nd Valentines Day we may not be able to do anything because I'm working on getting us caught up on bills and debts.  I hate that we  have not been able to spend those special days that are supposed to celebrate our love together or have spent it broke and not even got to go out for dinner or anything special.  But next year we are gonna be able to spend it in a beautiful place with each other and I'll be his arms.  I love Jeremy more than anything else on this earth and he make me happier than anyone ever could, and more than I ever thought I deserved.  He is so good to me.  We are also going to be able to take Katelynn to Disneyland sometime this spring for a couple days.  I love spending time with that beautiful little girl.  I also love watching Jeremy and Katelynn together, it is so precious and beautiful.  He is a great dad and tries so hard to be a the best dad as possible.

Because of our upcoming vacations, I have decided that I can no longer look like this anymore.  I have made it my goal to lose 80 to 100 lbs in the next year.  That breaks down into about 20-25 lbs every 3 months during this year which I believe is actually very doable.  I have been doing Akins for the last month and it is a lot harder than you would think.  This week I have failed trying to keep to my diet and it has been really hard but on the 1st I am going back on it and going to stay on it.  I want it to do this for me and my health.  As much as I don't always like the way I look, and the fact that I have gained 30 lbs in the last 4 months while living on the truck and 20 more lbs on top that in the last year.  It's awful and I hate feeling like I can't do things because of my weight.  Also on our vacation next year there are weight restrictions on certain activities that I want to do.  I don't mind be overweight, or chubby, or even a bigger girl; I don't have to be "skinny" but I want to be healthier and I want to be at a comfortable weight, that makes me feel better in my own skin, and  more confident in how I look and feel.  So, for the next year I will keep you informed on my successes and my failures, and hopefully my triumphs in the end.  This will be one of my biggest challenges and hardest trials but I am so focused and so ready to do this for good, and make myself a healthier and better person and grow from this experience.

Until next time

Cassie