Heartache

Tuesday night Jeremy and I broke up.  Long story short; we mutually decided that we loved each other but that we needed different things in life and that we would be better off if we did it without each other.  We weren't as happy as we once had been.  We talked it out and figured things out and he left on Wednesday morning.  I felt good.  Like I was turning over a new page, starting a new chapter in my life.  I decided that I would focus on getting a job and getting back to school (going to BATC for medical assisting).  I felt really good.  Then I went to bed.  With Jeremy being on the road I've crawled into an empty bed 95% of the time for the last few months, but it was different this time.  I burst into tears and cried until I ran out of energy and fell asleep.  It wasn't that I regret our decision or that I want to to call him in the middle of the night to take me back, cause I don't.  It was that Jeremy is this wonderful man, who loves and cares about me, and is always good to me.  And now he'll never sleep next to me.  I'll never wake up next to him.  I'll never have him hold me on one of those days where I a little extra help to get through the day.  I don't have someone I can confide in about everything.  I'll never do his laundry and laugh about his shirts being so holey.  He's gone and it's really over.  He's my "ex" now.  That sounds so awful.  I didn't realize how hard this would be.  I assumed that because we broke up and it was easy.  No fighting or arguing or name calling or throwing things, I thought that it would never hurt.  But it does.  It took me by surprise, the tears and the hurt all snuck up on me.  I love Jeremy and he will always have a piece of my heart, but I want so much out of life.  I want to conquer it all and find myself.  But right now I just want the hurt to go away, I want to not feel on the verge of tears, I don't wanna feel the empty when I crawl into bed.  I don't wanna look back at all our wonderful and amazing memories together, and feel so sad.  I want to feel happy and good about our life we lived together, but I just can't right now.  Why do I feel so heartbroken when we decided together that it was better if we ended things?  I know that I have so much to offer this life and so much to achieve right now while I'm young.  But I'm really scared that I'll be alone for good now.  That I'll never have the opportunity to wake up next to someone I love ever again.  I just never expected this at all.