I'm an idiot!

All the signs were there.  All the nights he didn't want me.  All the days he avoided me.  All the times he couldn't come home.  I knew.  I knew it all along.  But finding out was like getting punched in the stomach.  Like a hot knife through my heart.  I want to scream!  I want to yell!  I want to break things!  I want to hit someone.  I want destruction and pain!  I want to cry till I'm sick and never want to eat again.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not pretty or skinny enough.  I'm everyone's second choice.  Why doesn't anyone love me back.  I really did love him.  I really did care.  I never would have taken someone else.  I never would have lied and stayed with someone else.  I can't see my smile anymore.  I can't stand to look in the mirror.  I hate myself.  I hate myself for opening my heart.  I hate myself for loving him, for sharing myself with him.  Why?  I just want to cry and scream.  I'm so stupid.  I was ok with it.  The break up and the ending it.  I was a little sad and I missed him.  But now I never want to see him again.  I never hear his voice.  A voice that lied.  Why won't someone love me back?  Why won't someone chase me, and love me, and want me?  I'm so angry and so hurt, so so hurt.