Sunday, November 20, 2011
Insecurties
I was talking to a friend today. We were talking about boys and the ones we like and relationships. We were also talking about being burned. It seems like when those men who we love turn around and burn us real good we end up questioning ourselves so much. We find ourselves insecure with things in our lives. Now, don't get me wrong; I really like myself. But I find myself trying to answer questions I won't ever get answers to and evaluating all my flaws and forgetting the good things about me sometimes. But most of all I worry that someday I find someone to love again and never trust them. I'll always think that someone better will come around the corner and they'll leave me. I can't ever be the best thing for anyone; they could always do better. My friend was in a similar situation and she feels like she has to be on and fun all the time or the guy will split. I totally understand this. I understand that there are great things about us all but I think that all these women around me are so much greater. So, then it's just time before the men will figure out that there is a better woman out there. It's an unfair judgement to me and the men, and the other women around me; but I can't stop. Now, I've been thinking about this and why are we letting these shitty men control our lives long after they are gone? Why do they still have such a hold on us when our hearts have let us go? It's so stupid. We have to go back to believing that there are great men still out there. That the don't all cheat, leave, and break our hearts. That they won't all leave us burned and hurt in the end. We have to believe that some of them are still great. That some of them can really love us. We have to let the anger go, the insecurities go, the uncertainty of men's fidelity and trustworthiness. We have to go back to believing we are worth something to them. I'm going to make it a goal to start believing in the best things about me again. I'm going to stop thinking that all men cheat and are not worth my time, my heart and my trust. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt because if I don't someday I'll run the one I love out of my life because my heart is afraid. I can be happy, I can trust, and I can let someone in.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
25 Things I'm Thankful For
I decided that I would do the unoriginal list of things I'm grateful for... I'm thankful for a lot of things this year. They are no particular order but here they all are.
I'm thankful for....
1. my family who have been patient with me the last few months while I get my life back in some kind of order.
2. my truck. I don't like it much, but I am thankful that I have some kind of mode of transportation and well, it's kinda growing on me.
3. my job. I have not always liked working for Pizza Hut but I am thankful that I have a source of income again.
4. the gospel. It has been a process going back but I've never felt more comfortable in my life and in my own skin than I do right now in my life.
5. my balance. I've really found my kind of balance. I've found myself and found a good balance between all the things in my life; my friends, my family, my opinions, my beliefs all of it!!
6. Katie. I'm so grateful for her, she's been one of my best friends and we really seem to help each other the last few months.
7. Sierra. For her attitude, she seems to always have a better way of looking at things whether it's a better attitude or a worse one I love it.
8. Rayna. My relationship with Rayna has been rocky but I love her and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
9. my mom and dad. They have always been an example with their marriage in what we should hold out for and strive to have when our day comes.
10. my old friends. For being supportive of me and my decisions in my life and the support I got this summer from them. Even those who live far away! ;)
11. my new friends. With going back to church I have made some great new friends who have given me the conviction to keep going back and who continually give me the extra push when I need it. A special thanks to Brenna Clarke, Joni Severe, Jill Stapley, Joshlyn Carmona, Shannon and Shanda, Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, and Joe Willes. You guys have made my life easier and sweeter in the last few months and I owe you guys so much.
12. my Brynndle. She is the sweetest dog and knows when I need her the most. I'm so grateful to have a welcome home like one she gives me every time I walk through the door.
13. Jeremy. It sounds strange but without him I wouldn't have found parts of who I am and grown as a woman.
14. to not be with Jeremy anymore. I am grateful that I have been able to move forward with my life and start to achieve goals that I wanted to achieve and find myself.
15. patience. I don't have a lot but I have some and it has really been good for me. I've needed it a lot lately.
16. the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I feel like without it I would still be in the dark that I lived in for a long time. I'm healing and I'm moving forward and I've never been more happy in my life and with myself and the decisions that I'm making.
17. Bishop Oldroyd. He's been such an example to me. He's been so great with me and supportive and understanding. He's also been a rock in the last few weeks with the passing of his wife and I hope to have the faith that he has.
18. music. Music truly heals the heart and guides the mind. It has been the one thing I've reached for every time I've needed that extra push.
19. Brady. Oh Brady, what would I do without you. A best friend really knows what you need when you need it and understands better than almost anyone. Thank you! :)
20. prayer. My prayers have been fervent and honest and sincere. They have been a saving grace and a needed comfort in my life.
21. living in Cache Valley. Some days I feel trapped in this small town but there are a million and one great things and perks about living in a place where you truly love your neighbors and trust those around you.
22. my institute class and Brother Larsen. I just can't say enough. I love digging into our talks every week and think about them daily. And Brother Larsen is amazing!! I don't know how that man teaches the way he does and it feels like he's talking one on one with you while teaching an entire class.
23. my hair, my feet and my eyes. They are my favorite features and I love them. It sounds weird but we should all me thankful for the assets we've been given rather than hating those we don't like.
24. being a sister and a friend. It's something I love to be and to do. I love being there for the people around me and helping them with the things in their lives. I love feeling like people can trust me and rely on me.
25. myself. I like who I am. I like who I am becoming. I like most things about myself. I don't feel like there are things I should hate about myself. I think I'm a good person. I'm an honest person now. I'm a strong person. I'm worth it even though its hard to remember from time to time.
There is my list. You may not agree with some things but it's not for you it's for me.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
I'm thankful for....
1. my family who have been patient with me the last few months while I get my life back in some kind of order.
2. my truck. I don't like it much, but I am thankful that I have some kind of mode of transportation and well, it's kinda growing on me.
3. my job. I have not always liked working for Pizza Hut but I am thankful that I have a source of income again.
4. the gospel. It has been a process going back but I've never felt more comfortable in my life and in my own skin than I do right now in my life.
5. my balance. I've really found my kind of balance. I've found myself and found a good balance between all the things in my life; my friends, my family, my opinions, my beliefs all of it!!
6. Katie. I'm so grateful for her, she's been one of my best friends and we really seem to help each other the last few months.
7. Sierra. For her attitude, she seems to always have a better way of looking at things whether it's a better attitude or a worse one I love it.
8. Rayna. My relationship with Rayna has been rocky but I love her and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
9. my mom and dad. They have always been an example with their marriage in what we should hold out for and strive to have when our day comes.
10. my old friends. For being supportive of me and my decisions in my life and the support I got this summer from them. Even those who live far away! ;)
11. my new friends. With going back to church I have made some great new friends who have given me the conviction to keep going back and who continually give me the extra push when I need it. A special thanks to Brenna Clarke, Joni Severe, Jill Stapley, Joshlyn Carmona, Shannon and Shanda, Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, and Joe Willes. You guys have made my life easier and sweeter in the last few months and I owe you guys so much.
12. my Brynndle. She is the sweetest dog and knows when I need her the most. I'm so grateful to have a welcome home like one she gives me every time I walk through the door.
13. Jeremy. It sounds strange but without him I wouldn't have found parts of who I am and grown as a woman.
14. to not be with Jeremy anymore. I am grateful that I have been able to move forward with my life and start to achieve goals that I wanted to achieve and find myself.
15. patience. I don't have a lot but I have some and it has really been good for me. I've needed it a lot lately.
16. the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I feel like without it I would still be in the dark that I lived in for a long time. I'm healing and I'm moving forward and I've never been more happy in my life and with myself and the decisions that I'm making.
17. Bishop Oldroyd. He's been such an example to me. He's been so great with me and supportive and understanding. He's also been a rock in the last few weeks with the passing of his wife and I hope to have the faith that he has.
18. music. Music truly heals the heart and guides the mind. It has been the one thing I've reached for every time I've needed that extra push.
19. Brady. Oh Brady, what would I do without you. A best friend really knows what you need when you need it and understands better than almost anyone. Thank you! :)
20. prayer. My prayers have been fervent and honest and sincere. They have been a saving grace and a needed comfort in my life.
21. living in Cache Valley. Some days I feel trapped in this small town but there are a million and one great things and perks about living in a place where you truly love your neighbors and trust those around you.
22. my institute class and Brother Larsen. I just can't say enough. I love digging into our talks every week and think about them daily. And Brother Larsen is amazing!! I don't know how that man teaches the way he does and it feels like he's talking one on one with you while teaching an entire class.
23. my hair, my feet and my eyes. They are my favorite features and I love them. It sounds weird but we should all me thankful for the assets we've been given rather than hating those we don't like.
24. being a sister and a friend. It's something I love to be and to do. I love being there for the people around me and helping them with the things in their lives. I love feeling like people can trust me and rely on me.
25. myself. I like who I am. I like who I am becoming. I like most things about myself. I don't feel like there are things I should hate about myself. I think I'm a good person. I'm an honest person now. I'm a strong person. I'm worth it even though its hard to remember from time to time.
There is my list. You may not agree with some things but it's not for you it's for me.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Meet My Brynndle
I have an amazing and beautiful dog named Brynndle. She is a year and 3 months old and I've had her for a year. She was a gift to me from my ex and it was the best thing that he ever gave me. She is a little slow and she might not be all there mentally but she is so great and makes my day every day. She is goofy and loves to play. Her favorite game is tug-of-war and she'll play catch with her pink ball. She loves ripping the fluff out of toys so I've learned to buy toys without fluff and only with squeakers in it! She isn't the most obedient dog ever but she will sit most of the time you tell her to and she goes to bed every time you tell her to. She is so cute when she goes to bed. She'll crawl into her doggie bed at night and long before I go to bed. Then when I finally go to bed she waits til I fall asleep and then crawls in bed with me. If it is cold in the room she'll crawl into the covers and if it's not then she'll sleep on top but always curled up next to my tummy. In the morning she will either cry to let her out or she will jump on me, lick my face and my hands, and if that doesn't wake me up to play with her she has learned how to dig the covers off of me and that will do the trick. Her best friend is mom's cat that is mentally retarded named Frosty and they play with each other every day. She can be the biggest pest and the sweetest girl all at the same time. I have all sorts of nicknames for her that she answers to "sweetness", "baby girl", "pretty girl" and I love her so much. When I am sad she will cuddle with me and when I cry she cocks her head to one side like she doesn't understand then she curls up next to me with her head on me. When we get home she gets super excited and jumps on everyone. She loves my dad but she's afraid of him at the same time. She gets excited when he comes home and wags her tail and wants him to pet her but when he gets close she jumps back. It's so cute to watch. She is afraid of everything. She is afraid of blankets (except hers which she is very protective of), loud noises, things that don't belong in a room, hats, dolls, costumes, and new people. She barks every time someone comes to the door. It's definitely annoying but no one will ever break into this house. She needs to meet people a few times before she decides if she likes them and with men it's kind of hit and miss if she will like you or not. She loves french fries, potato chips, apples and popcorn. And she does NOT like grapes and bananas. She loves watching other dogs on TV. When two people are wrestling in the house she will pick a side and attack the other person and really gets into it and playing with them. I love it, it is the cutest thing. She is my baby and I love her with all my heart!!!
Brynn driving the truck
Brynn as a puppy sleeping
Taking a nap with Terri
Looking for Moose in Maine
My baby girl on my lap
Brynn as a puppy in her coat
Smiling for the camera
Playing outside
Looking for her ball
All grown up Brynndle
Smiling for the camera
Playing outside
Looking for her ball
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
My Birthday
December 11, 1988
I know I have more than a month but I love my birthday... I hate that it's in December and that it's in the winter but it's still my birthday. I want an amazing birthday this year. I know I won't get it but I can wish it IS my birthday!! lol I'm turning 23 which I am having a problem with and I don't really understand and no one else does either but I thought I would make a list of all the things I want for my birthday and maybe someone who reads this will do one or possibly two of them. I figure I deserve it cause I have had a seriously bad year this year, but then again who cares... it is only my birthday..
- I want to be truly surprised.
- I do NOT want my truck to be "decorated" lol (Sierra! Katie! Brady!)
- I want a hundred choruses of "Happy Birthday"
- I want flowers ( white calla lilies preferred)
- I want cute little notes passed to me all day
- I want a bouquet of balloons that does NOT have an "over the hill" saying on it
- I want to have sushi
- I want to come home and find my room decorated in balloons and streamers and banners.
- I want a kiss from a cute boy (even if it doesn't mean anything)
- I want to be kidnapped by friends and have a party!! (not at some odd hour of the morning/night)
- I want someone to make me a mix CD of all the songs that makes them think of me
- I want a date that week with someone awesome!
- I want to find little surprises every where!
- I want a scavenger hunt that leads me to something awesome!!
- I want it to NOT snow!!
- I want a million compliments about how cute and silly and fun and great I am!!! ( am I getting prideful?? lol)
- I want 24 hours just about me!!
I think I deserve a great birthday this year... That is just me of course. lol I'm not this selfish usually but I get one day out of 365 and I want a good one this year! Last year it was a half-assed effort, the year before I threw my own party, the year before nothing, the year before that nothing, and so on. The last real celebration for my birthday was when I turned 16!! It's about time I get a real party!! So, get me flowers and balloons and write me a love note or poem and sing to me and get me a great piece of cake!! That's all I'm asking!! Is it too much?? lol I'll repost this when it's gets closer! lol And can anyone explain to me why I'm so upset about turning 23?? It's not like 25 or 30. It's nothing spectacular! I don't get it?? For any of you out there who actually read this I'm just excited about my birthday and sending birthday wishes you don't have to take this literally!! lol
I know I have more than a month but I love my birthday... I hate that it's in December and that it's in the winter but it's still my birthday. I want an amazing birthday this year. I know I won't get it but I can wish it IS my birthday!! lol I'm turning 23 which I am having a problem with and I don't really understand and no one else does either but I thought I would make a list of all the things I want for my birthday and maybe someone who reads this will do one or possibly two of them. I figure I deserve it cause I have had a seriously bad year this year, but then again who cares... it is only my birthday..
- I want to be truly surprised.
- I do NOT want my truck to be "decorated" lol (Sierra! Katie! Brady!)
- I want a hundred choruses of "Happy Birthday"
- I want flowers ( white calla lilies preferred)
- I want cute little notes passed to me all day
- I want a bouquet of balloons that does NOT have an "over the hill" saying on it
- I want to have sushi
- I want to come home and find my room decorated in balloons and streamers and banners.
- I want a kiss from a cute boy (even if it doesn't mean anything)
- I want to be kidnapped by friends and have a party!! (not at some odd hour of the morning/night)
- I want someone to make me a mix CD of all the songs that makes them think of me
- I want a date that week with someone awesome!
- I want to find little surprises every where!
- I want a scavenger hunt that leads me to something awesome!!
- I want it to NOT snow!!
- I want a million compliments about how cute and silly and fun and great I am!!! ( am I getting prideful?? lol)
- I want 24 hours just about me!!
I think I deserve a great birthday this year... That is just me of course. lol I'm not this selfish usually but I get one day out of 365 and I want a good one this year! Last year it was a half-assed effort, the year before I threw my own party, the year before nothing, the year before that nothing, and so on. The last real celebration for my birthday was when I turned 16!! It's about time I get a real party!! So, get me flowers and balloons and write me a love note or poem and sing to me and get me a great piece of cake!! That's all I'm asking!! Is it too much?? lol I'll repost this when it's gets closer! lol And can anyone explain to me why I'm so upset about turning 23?? It's not like 25 or 30. It's nothing spectacular! I don't get it?? For any of you out there who actually read this I'm just excited about my birthday and sending birthday wishes you don't have to take this literally!! lol
Friday, October 28, 2011
A Change in my Heart
So, my whole world has turned completely around. I've gone from angry and sad, to happy and giddy all the time. I don't have a specific reason to be happy all the time but I just am. I have new and wonderful friends, I have a job (whew), I have school (kinda), I have a great family, I have new clothes (:D), I had a crush for a while (which was fun, but over lol). I have just so much in my life that is positive and great that I can't help find peace and comfort in it all. I read a poem a friend wrote a few days ago and it made me think.
-Joe Willes
(I hope he's ok that I used his poem)
It just made me think of all the people in our lives that come and go but change who we are. Some of them leave scars and others change our hearts but they all help shape us into the people we are. Whether they are family or friends or examples we look up to they all shape us. I have scars from people that are gone in my life, I've had people who let me down, and I have had people lift me up but they have all made me a stronger and better person. Some have shown me what I don't want to be others have shown what I want to be. It was such an eye-opening message for me. It helped me cope with some of the pain that I have been dealing with and see it in a different light. So, maybe next time something happens, someone leaves, someone dies, someone lets me down. I can look at the experience and see how they changed me for the better or made me stronger because of the experience. My heart is changed for so many reasons. It's a little more guarded towards love but it's also open to truth and light. It's also opened more for friends and good examples in my life. My face glows a little more right now, there's a little bit of a bounce in my step, there is a brighter color of green in my eyes... I feel amazing. I'm content with my life. I have goals and direction. I have friends who support the choices I'm making in my life. How could I not be a happy woman right now?! lol
"...The waters that flowed along the rolling hills
The streams whose currents carved the very face
Of my portrait seem to have dried up
Now a miry pit of mud and despair
Yellow, sweet yellow is gone
All the other colors I would have expected
To depart from me at this time
But, gone, gone, gone, gone is my yellow.
I am waiting for the rest to go.
My mind draws a blank
My image is fading
Gone is the portrait,"-Joe Willes
(I hope he's ok that I used his poem)
It just made me think of all the people in our lives that come and go but change who we are. Some of them leave scars and others change our hearts but they all help shape us into the people we are. Whether they are family or friends or examples we look up to they all shape us. I have scars from people that are gone in my life, I've had people who let me down, and I have had people lift me up but they have all made me a stronger and better person. Some have shown me what I don't want to be others have shown what I want to be. It was such an eye-opening message for me. It helped me cope with some of the pain that I have been dealing with and see it in a different light. So, maybe next time something happens, someone leaves, someone dies, someone lets me down. I can look at the experience and see how they changed me for the better or made me stronger because of the experience. My heart is changed for so many reasons. It's a little more guarded towards love but it's also open to truth and light. It's also opened more for friends and good examples in my life. My face glows a little more right now, there's a little bit of a bounce in my step, there is a brighter color of green in my eyes... I feel amazing. I'm content with my life. I have goals and direction. I have friends who support the choices I'm making in my life. How could I not be a happy woman right now?! lol
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Happy and full of Hope!!
I met a guy a few weeks ago and didn't really talk to him but I had this feeling about him and it was 2 weeks until I saw him again and I got butterflies. He didn't really notice me, so I kinda gave up on it. A couple hours after seeing him we starting chatting online and I got butterflies again. It seemed silly cause we didn't really know each other at all. I've seen him a few times lately and got to know him. Now, here comes the good part I guess. I don't think he's interested in me which is fine. He wrote the most beautiful thing to a woman and it made me smile. But it was so great to crush a guy again. It's been so long and I was very worried for a long time that I wouldn't ever let myself crush anyone again or open up to a man again. So, it's not a big deal and I'm not gonna cry over him. But it was fun and liberating to feel things again. To feel freed from all the chains of hating myself. I love myself. I smile everyday and enjoy my life right now. It's wonderful. I love my life and where it is going. The stresses in my life are slowing dissolving and escaping. I have more hope for my life and myself right now than I think I ever have. I'm the happiest woman right now and not for any one particular reason. I feel like things are coming together for me. I love the friends I have and have made recently. I love having Brady home and love having church in my world again. I love the hugs and the encouragement I get everyday. I love being in control of my world and not feeling like I have to live in someone else's life. I've made leaps and bounds not only with my life but with myself as well. I've never loved myself the way I love myself right now. I wouldn't change me. I have things I want improve on with myself but I like me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Need to do More with my Life
Been considering so many things in my life lately. I've got a general direction that I'm heading in (education, career, job for now, get out of debt) which is fantastic, but there are so many things that I'm also considering doing. Like I've wanted to find way to volunteer for Humanitarian Aide efforts and help others in countries that have nothing. I want to find something new in my world. Like maybe moving somewhere else for a year and discovering a new side to myself. The more and more I overcome this pain (from so many different places in my life) the more I realize I want more to my life, I want to become a more rounded person, I feel like I have more depth to myself that I have yet to discover. There has been this part of me lately which feels like I was this empty shell of a person for the last few years and I could have been developing myself better but instead I was focused on things that were keeping me an empty person. Now, that I'm moving forward I want so much more! More life, more spirituality, more education, just more everything. I want to contribute so much more to this world. I know that I have so much to offer this life and I have been held back up until now. I want to travel, I want to help, I want others to have something eased by something that I've done, or contributed to. I know that life has the basic sketch of birth-education-career-marriage-family-death but there is so much more to living and I'm realizing this more and more every day. Haven't you ever felt like there was something you needed to achieve in this life that wasn't what everyone else expected from you? That's what I want. You just wait and see, in a year I'm going to have done something that mattered! That mattered to someone other than myself. I'm gonna make my time worth something. And maybe on this path of new self-discovery I'll find a new perspective, a new goal or maybe even love. I think I do deserve real love in my life from someone who actually means it. Who knows maybe I'll find it when I'm least looking for it.
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