Becoming a Better Person

I guess we're always striving to be better people.  But I'm holding onto so many things that keep my from becoming one.  I want to be stronger but I'm holding on to things that make me weak.  Everything from habits, to men, to fears.  Brenna and Joni (visiting teachers) asked me tonight what I am afraid of.  I gave them the bullshit answer of spiders, and drowning; but who isn't afraid of those things, I mean my ex is more afraid of spiders than I am.  But maybe the real answer is I'm afraid of who I'll become, who I won't become, if I'll be alone, if I'll succeed, if I'll fail, if I'll run from the hard things to find the easier ones, if I'll let people in when I'm scared they won't be around later when I need them.  How long do you let fear run you; take a hold of you and let IT define you instead of the better things in life??  So, I know the things I want, I know the person I want to be, and now that I'm free from being held back, my fears are now in the way.  I want to say the future looks inviting and I'm excited for what is to happen.  Some of that is the truth, I am excited and some of it is inviting but some of it is scary.  I look at some women who see all the beauties of life and they seem to know that the uncertainties of life are blessings.  But I hate it.  It's like a book I've read half way through and the last few chapters have been ripped out.  I just want to know the ending.  I want to know if I end up living happily ever after.  LOL  Seems silly huh??  It's so frustrating not to be able to have that certainty that when I do A I get B later.  But then if you look at it with a totally selfless perspective; I do know what B is.  I do know that if I do A I'll get B.  And all the things in between are just a part of the ride.  I just have to have faith, work hard, believe in myself and in the end I'll find all that I wanted in the beginning.  It's so hard to look at a perspective like that.  To see outside of the box and not focus on the here and now and what I want or don't want, or need or don't need.  But maybe if I spend sometime everyday, looking at the bigger picture, my fuzzy picture of life will get a little clearer and I'll see things a little better and find that happy ending that I always dreamed.  Maybe that's the key to becoming a better person.  It's not focusing on the here and now, but the bigger and the future.  Someday I'm sure I'll get it; the key to it all, the answers I've always wanted but for now I'm lost and looking for the same thing that everyone is looking for.  I'm just like everyone else.  I'm lost and searching.  I'm a little lonely, a little sad.  But I'm also happy, hopeful, goofy, and silly.  I'm Cassie.  I'm Cassie looking to make herself a little better every day.  Succeeding somedays and failing others but me all the same. 

Isn't Life Funny.

I have been so happy and have laughed so much in the last few days.  And the next few days are going to be great... In fact I'm going to make sure that my life is going to be great.  I have so much weight and worry on my shoulders but it just doesn't feel like it matters anymore.  How funny right?!  My world seems to be getting better and better all the time.  I realized that I don't need a man to make me happy and that settling for what in the here and now and not waiting for the right guy, is just plain stupid.  I deserve someone wonderful who loves me for me and for what I want and wants it as well.  However, I am not dating for at least a year.  I just can't do it.  I have amazing people in my life from my friends to my family.   I have so much that I'm gonna do with my life still.  I'm gonna travel, make friends, be fool and have fun.  I'm gonna get my MA license, and I'm gonna work in a clinic and maybe even move out of Cache Valley.  I don't think I would mind that so much.  Maybe I'll work in Hawaii for a while or in New York.  Who knows?  Jeff Eddington told me something a few months ago and I knew he was right, but I was in love and couldn't see past that.  But he told me I should live in the here and now.  I had too much life to live to be wasting it.  I needed to live on my own, go travel, make random friends, move away for awhile.  I think he was right, I need to do all of that.  I'm 22 not 35!!! I have too much life to still live to be married and popping out kids.  I want that, but I have a while before I have to do that.  I'm gonna live... I'm gonna have fun... I'm gonna screw up, and goof off and live!!

Answers and Thoughts....

I've been telling people that I just want to focus on me.  I know others thought that was what I should be doing and I know that it's what I needed but didn't know if that is really wanted, now I do.  I've been talking to a guy for the last couple days.  He was really great, so sweet and just a good guy.  But I realized that I just can't do a relationship.  I can't focus on someone else or give energy to someone else.  Jeremy took all my energy and I haven't been able to recharge yet.  I got nothing to give anyone.  I really want to start school full-time (and wish some people would get out of the program so I can start, stupid waiting list) and get a job.  I want to have fun and be free and single and make me a better person.  I want to recharge.  I realized that recharging my energy and healing my broken heart are two different things.  I also realized why letting Jeremy was so hard.  I've been praying and thinking really hard the last few weeks to find some answers.  If I wrote a list of my perfect guy and what he would be like and what qualities have and how he would make me laugh, etc; and someone made him it would be Jeremy.  Besides the cheating things which I didn't know about obviously.  They would have made me Jeremy.  He was my perfect guy.  He held my hand how wanted, he kissed me how I wanted, he held me perfectly, he loved me perfectly.  He was my perfect match.  Here's where it all goes wrong.... If I were to write a list of my perfect life, what I want out of it, where I want it to go, what I want to happen; it wasn't what Jeremy wanted to offer me.  He didn't want to give me the life that I wanted.  He didn't want to sacrifice for me.  He didn't want to share the life that I wanted, or even compromise on the life I wanted.  So, where does that leave me?  I had my perfect guy, but not my perfect life.   Frustrating right?? lol  Then he left me for the girl who has part of the life I wanted... Funny how he can have that life with someone else but I wasn't good to have it with.  Makes me laugh.  I guess I'll never understand that but I think I'm ok with not having to understand it all anymore.  I really am ready for life to be fun again.  For life to show me why it's worth living.  Going out with friends, smiling, making friends, making me a better person, growing up.  I'm happy.  I'm working on me, and I'm figuring me out too.  But I'm not looking to jump into another relationship, I'm not ready to share myself with someone yet.  I thought I was, but I wasn't.  I want to go on road trips with Brady, I want to hang out with random people, I want to forget what heartbreak feels like, I want to remember why I loved school, I want to have a job where I hate my boss again, I want breathe freedom again.  I want to feel like me again.  I'm starting to, I'm starting to feel like me, and feel like who I was, and seeing who I wanted to be.  I'm healing... I love that I can say and I can mean, like really really mean.  I still feel him, it still hurts sometimes, but I don't miss him everyday anymore.  I love that.  I have people who barely know me and friends I've had for a long time who have helped me more than they know.  Thank you: Haili, Jesse, Ashley, Brady, Joshlyn, Sara, Bishop Oldroyd, Trisha, Alyssa, Whitney, Dan, Steph, Katelyn, Katie, Sierra.  I don't know that these people will ever know, but they helped heal.  Leaving tonight with a real smile on my face.....

Yay for me!!

I took my final today in my drug dosages class.  It was 105 points and I could miss 57 and still get a B in the class.  But I only missed 3 and got 97%.  Which gave me 96 % in the class.  The class was only worth 414 points and got 359 points out of the whole class.   I was soooo excited.  I did a little dance in the hallway after I left.  Now all I got to do is get my med term class done and all my prereqs will be finished and all there is left to do is wait for an opening in the Medical Assisting program.  I'm determined to do amazing.  I finished this class in 7 class days.  Which is 2nd best, next to someone who finished in 6 days.  But still I'm so happy and ready to surpass everyone else.  Sounds so conceded but I just don't care.  I'm on a total high. 

Anyway, life is good.  I've got things in order, I'm doing good.  I've met a couple guys but no so sure I'm ready for the whole relationship scene again.  I'm 0 for 3 in the last 3 1/2 years and that just keeps screaming in the back of my head.  But I will take as it comes.  I haven't thought much of him lately.  Maybe cause I've been busy or maybe because I'm starting not to care.  I don't which but I do know I'm less angry lately.  And anger has been the biggest and overwhelming emotion in my life lately.  Not the last few days and sure as hell not today!!

Leaving on a good note.... :)

New Day

I can honestly say that I feel good.  I've moved past most of the darkness and have been doing really well.  I still think about him everyday.  I don't miss him for the most part.  No more dreams and no more tears.  I've actually been pretty angry the last week.  But anger won't help me so I'm trying to ignore those things.  I have lots of flashbacks and think of our memories often.  Sometimes I even wonder if he's thinking about me but I know that's futile.  Why would he, he's busy in someone else's bed, with her baby.  


My drug dosages and calculations class is over on Friday when I take the final.  Yay!  Super excited/nervous.  I start taking Medical Terminology probably next week.  I have to take it online which I'm not too happy about but maybe I can speed through it quicker.  I don't know.  It sounds like I'm going back to Pizza Hut.  I'm desperate for a job and it's the only job I'm pretty much guaranteed.  Sucks but income is income and I can't be picky.  I got stuck with more debt than I ever wanted or deserved but then again, you never know what people will do.  I have to start somewhere to get out of it.  


I've gone back to church recently.  Trying to find some kind of peace in all my misery.  I've met some new people and found some friends.  Every time I go I seem to meet more and more people.  I've spoken with the Bishop and he is more than understanding and comforting.  I feel like my heart heals even more when I'm there.  I get out more during the week with all the activities.  I'm meeting people my age and spending time with young adults.  It's nice.  I feel supported and respected.  I don't know how to explain how much that means to me.  I've kept my past to myself.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me or avoid me like the plague.  But for now, I'm starting to feel myself become happy again.  I worry about the future still.  I wonder if I'll always be single, if I'll ever have a family, if I'll ever be able to move out of here (i hope so).  But I'm content lately.  I still feel the sting everyday but it doesn't hurt as much anymore.  It's a good thing.
 

Good Friends Make Better Days

It's good when you have good friends that just help you feel better.  Out of all my friends right now Ashley and Brady are the ones that have helped me through this.   Whenever I talk to one of them I always feel better.  Ashley and I talked tonight about a bunch of things.  She always has some insight and makes me feel better.  Like moving on is my only option because it's the only thing that I deserve.  Like all the bad will be quadrupled by the good that will come.  Brady always makes me laugh when it just feels like I want to cry.  He doesn't push the issues that are hard to talk about and changes the subject when he knows that I can't and don't want to talk about it.  Even though I don't have friends I see everyday and get to "hang out" with all the time.  I have quality friends.  Friends who are concerned about me and want the best for me.  Tonight the conversation with Ashley really pulled me out of this funk I have been in the last week or two.  It's really nice to hear from people who are not your family that you're worth more and that you deserve more.  I do.  I don't know that I'm always a quality friend to them, but it makes me want to be a better friend to them.  I want to bring clarity to them like they have brought to me.  I want to help them through the hard times.  I want to be that person that are to me.  Ashley and Brady I want you to know how much you mean to me.  I want you to know that your friendship is so important to me and has helped more than any other person.  You two are amazing people and are my best friends.  But more than that you are my heroes.  Without you two I may not be who I am nor where I am today.  I love you both.  

I can do better.  I can be better.  I deserve better.  I will find better.  I will be happy someday.

Gray

I'm so tired of complaining and being in such a funk.  I thought I was so over this.  I thought I had put it behind me but the last week and a half I just move anywhere.  I'm stuck in the quicksand of heartache.  Somedays I'm so angry I want to "Lorena Bobbit" every man I see, others I can't keep the tears away.  I want so badly to move forward.  I want to look into my future and see good and let the past be the past but this gray unyielding heartache has just enveloped my world.  I don't let myself be happy and try my best to put my next foot forward but I've been standing still for a week and a half and just don't feel like myself.  Somedays I don't feel like it's even worth getting out of bed and moving, and even breathing.  I want so much, and so badly to put it behind.  To bury the pain, to set it aside and let myself get over it.  I just can't.  I don't know what to do.  Even when I start to look into my future all I do is question it.  Can I love again?  Can I be open and vulnerable again?  Can I trust?  Will someone truly love me?  Will my heart ever really heal?  I can't answer any of these, and some all I answer is no.  I feel like the longer this goes on the more broken I feel.  The more of myself is slipping away.  The more I don't feel like me and the harder it is to see the road that leads back to that person I was.  I feel myself getting harder and bitchier.  I hate who I see myself becoming but I don't know how to move on.  I hate myself more and more.  I hate myself for it all.  Why is this worth it?  Why?   I want to give up.  I want to throw in the towel and quit fighting for it all.