Becoming a Better Person

I guess we're always striving to be better people.  But I'm holding onto so many things that keep my from becoming one.  I want to be stronger but I'm holding on to things that make me weak.  Everything from habits, to men, to fears.  Brenna and Joni (visiting teachers) asked me tonight what I am afraid of.  I gave them the bullshit answer of spiders, and drowning; but who isn't afraid of those things, I mean my ex is more afraid of spiders than I am.  But maybe the real answer is I'm afraid of who I'll become, who I won't become, if I'll be alone, if I'll succeed, if I'll fail, if I'll run from the hard things to find the easier ones, if I'll let people in when I'm scared they won't be around later when I need them.  How long do you let fear run you; take a hold of you and let IT define you instead of the better things in life??  So, I know the things I want, I know the person I want to be, and now that I'm free from being held back, my fears are now in the way.  I want to say the future looks inviting and I'm excited for what is to happen.  Some of that is the truth, I am excited and some of it is inviting but some of it is scary.  I look at some women who see all the beauties of life and they seem to know that the uncertainties of life are blessings.  But I hate it.  It's like a book I've read half way through and the last few chapters have been ripped out.  I just want to know the ending.  I want to know if I end up living happily ever after.  LOL  Seems silly huh??  It's so frustrating not to be able to have that certainty that when I do A I get B later.  But then if you look at it with a totally selfless perspective; I do know what B is.  I do know that if I do A I'll get B.  And all the things in between are just a part of the ride.  I just have to have faith, work hard, believe in myself and in the end I'll find all that I wanted in the beginning.  It's so hard to look at a perspective like that.  To see outside of the box and not focus on the here and now and what I want or don't want, or need or don't need.  But maybe if I spend sometime everyday, looking at the bigger picture, my fuzzy picture of life will get a little clearer and I'll see things a little better and find that happy ending that I always dreamed.  Maybe that's the key to becoming a better person.  It's not focusing on the here and now, but the bigger and the future.  Someday I'm sure I'll get it; the key to it all, the answers I've always wanted but for now I'm lost and looking for the same thing that everyone is looking for.  I'm just like everyone else.  I'm lost and searching.  I'm a little lonely, a little sad.  But I'm also happy, hopeful, goofy, and silly.  I'm Cassie.  I'm Cassie looking to make herself a little better every day.  Succeeding somedays and failing others but me all the same.