Gray

I'm so tired of complaining and being in such a funk.  I thought I was so over this.  I thought I had put it behind me but the last week and a half I just move anywhere.  I'm stuck in the quicksand of heartache.  Somedays I'm so angry I want to "Lorena Bobbit" every man I see, others I can't keep the tears away.  I want so badly to move forward.  I want to look into my future and see good and let the past be the past but this gray unyielding heartache has just enveloped my world.  I don't let myself be happy and try my best to put my next foot forward but I've been standing still for a week and a half and just don't feel like myself.  Somedays I don't feel like it's even worth getting out of bed and moving, and even breathing.  I want so much, and so badly to put it behind.  To bury the pain, to set it aside and let myself get over it.  I just can't.  I don't know what to do.  Even when I start to look into my future all I do is question it.  Can I love again?  Can I be open and vulnerable again?  Can I trust?  Will someone truly love me?  Will my heart ever really heal?  I can't answer any of these, and some all I answer is no.  I feel like the longer this goes on the more broken I feel.  The more of myself is slipping away.  The more I don't feel like me and the harder it is to see the road that leads back to that person I was.  I feel myself getting harder and bitchier.  I hate who I see myself becoming but I don't know how to move on.  I hate myself more and more.  I hate myself for it all.  Why is this worth it?  Why?   I want to give up.  I want to throw in the towel and quit fighting for it all.