Answers and Thoughts....

I've been telling people that I just want to focus on me.  I know others thought that was what I should be doing and I know that it's what I needed but didn't know if that is really wanted, now I do.  I've been talking to a guy for the last couple days.  He was really great, so sweet and just a good guy.  But I realized that I just can't do a relationship.  I can't focus on someone else or give energy to someone else.  Jeremy took all my energy and I haven't been able to recharge yet.  I got nothing to give anyone.  I really want to start school full-time (and wish some people would get out of the program so I can start, stupid waiting list) and get a job.  I want to have fun and be free and single and make me a better person.  I want to recharge.  I realized that recharging my energy and healing my broken heart are two different things.  I also realized why letting Jeremy was so hard.  I've been praying and thinking really hard the last few weeks to find some answers.  If I wrote a list of my perfect guy and what he would be like and what qualities have and how he would make me laugh, etc; and someone made him it would be Jeremy.  Besides the cheating things which I didn't know about obviously.  They would have made me Jeremy.  He was my perfect guy.  He held my hand how wanted, he kissed me how I wanted, he held me perfectly, he loved me perfectly.  He was my perfect match.  Here's where it all goes wrong.... If I were to write a list of my perfect life, what I want out of it, where I want it to go, what I want to happen; it wasn't what Jeremy wanted to offer me.  He didn't want to give me the life that I wanted.  He didn't want to sacrifice for me.  He didn't want to share the life that I wanted, or even compromise on the life I wanted.  So, where does that leave me?  I had my perfect guy, but not my perfect life.   Frustrating right?? lol  Then he left me for the girl who has part of the life I wanted... Funny how he can have that life with someone else but I wasn't good to have it with.  Makes me laugh.  I guess I'll never understand that but I think I'm ok with not having to understand it all anymore.  I really am ready for life to be fun again.  For life to show me why it's worth living.  Going out with friends, smiling, making friends, making me a better person, growing up.  I'm happy.  I'm working on me, and I'm figuring me out too.  But I'm not looking to jump into another relationship, I'm not ready to share myself with someone yet.  I thought I was, but I wasn't.  I want to go on road trips with Brady, I want to hang out with random people, I want to forget what heartbreak feels like, I want to remember why I loved school, I want to have a job where I hate my boss again, I want breathe freedom again.  I want to feel like me again.  I'm starting to, I'm starting to feel like me, and feel like who I was, and seeing who I wanted to be.  I'm healing... I love that I can say and I can mean, like really really mean.  I still feel him, it still hurts sometimes, but I don't miss him everyday anymore.  I love that.  I have people who barely know me and friends I've had for a long time who have helped me more than they know.  Thank you: Haili, Jesse, Ashley, Brady, Joshlyn, Sara, Bishop Oldroyd, Trisha, Alyssa, Whitney, Dan, Steph, Katelyn, Katie, Sierra.  I don't know that these people will ever know, but they helped heal.  Leaving tonight with a real smile on my face.....