Becoming a Better Person

I guess we're always striving to be better people.  But I'm holding onto so many things that keep my from becoming one.  I want to be stronger but I'm holding on to things that make me weak.  Everything from habits, to men, to fears.  Brenna and Joni (visiting teachers) asked me tonight what I am afraid of.  I gave them the bullshit answer of spiders, and drowning; but who isn't afraid of those things, I mean my ex is more afraid of spiders than I am.  But maybe the real answer is I'm afraid of who I'll become, who I won't become, if I'll be alone, if I'll succeed, if I'll fail, if I'll run from the hard things to find the easier ones, if I'll let people in when I'm scared they won't be around later when I need them.  How long do you let fear run you; take a hold of you and let IT define you instead of the better things in life??  So, I know the things I want, I know the person I want to be, and now that I'm free from being held back, my fears are now in the way.  I want to say the future looks inviting and I'm excited for what is to happen.  Some of that is the truth, I am excited and some of it is inviting but some of it is scary.  I look at some women who see all the beauties of life and they seem to know that the uncertainties of life are blessings.  But I hate it.  It's like a book I've read half way through and the last few chapters have been ripped out.  I just want to know the ending.  I want to know if I end up living happily ever after.  LOL  Seems silly huh??  It's so frustrating not to be able to have that certainty that when I do A I get B later.  But then if you look at it with a totally selfless perspective; I do know what B is.  I do know that if I do A I'll get B.  And all the things in between are just a part of the ride.  I just have to have faith, work hard, believe in myself and in the end I'll find all that I wanted in the beginning.  It's so hard to look at a perspective like that.  To see outside of the box and not focus on the here and now and what I want or don't want, or need or don't need.  But maybe if I spend sometime everyday, looking at the bigger picture, my fuzzy picture of life will get a little clearer and I'll see things a little better and find that happy ending that I always dreamed.  Maybe that's the key to becoming a better person.  It's not focusing on the here and now, but the bigger and the future.  Someday I'm sure I'll get it; the key to it all, the answers I've always wanted but for now I'm lost and looking for the same thing that everyone is looking for.  I'm just like everyone else.  I'm lost and searching.  I'm a little lonely, a little sad.  But I'm also happy, hopeful, goofy, and silly.  I'm Cassie.  I'm Cassie looking to make herself a little better every day.  Succeeding somedays and failing others but me all the same. 

Isn't Life Funny.

I have been so happy and have laughed so much in the last few days.  And the next few days are going to be great... In fact I'm going to make sure that my life is going to be great.  I have so much weight and worry on my shoulders but it just doesn't feel like it matters anymore.  How funny right?!  My world seems to be getting better and better all the time.  I realized that I don't need a man to make me happy and that settling for what in the here and now and not waiting for the right guy, is just plain stupid.  I deserve someone wonderful who loves me for me and for what I want and wants it as well.  However, I am not dating for at least a year.  I just can't do it.  I have amazing people in my life from my friends to my family.   I have so much that I'm gonna do with my life still.  I'm gonna travel, make friends, be fool and have fun.  I'm gonna get my MA license, and I'm gonna work in a clinic and maybe even move out of Cache Valley.  I don't think I would mind that so much.  Maybe I'll work in Hawaii for a while or in New York.  Who knows?  Jeff Eddington told me something a few months ago and I knew he was right, but I was in love and couldn't see past that.  But he told me I should live in the here and now.  I had too much life to live to be wasting it.  I needed to live on my own, go travel, make random friends, move away for awhile.  I think he was right, I need to do all of that.  I'm 22 not 35!!! I have too much life to still live to be married and popping out kids.  I want that, but I have a while before I have to do that.  I'm gonna live... I'm gonna have fun... I'm gonna screw up, and goof off and live!!

Answers and Thoughts....

I've been telling people that I just want to focus on me.  I know others thought that was what I should be doing and I know that it's what I needed but didn't know if that is really wanted, now I do.  I've been talking to a guy for the last couple days.  He was really great, so sweet and just a good guy.  But I realized that I just can't do a relationship.  I can't focus on someone else or give energy to someone else.  Jeremy took all my energy and I haven't been able to recharge yet.  I got nothing to give anyone.  I really want to start school full-time (and wish some people would get out of the program so I can start, stupid waiting list) and get a job.  I want to have fun and be free and single and make me a better person.  I want to recharge.  I realized that recharging my energy and healing my broken heart are two different things.  I also realized why letting Jeremy was so hard.  I've been praying and thinking really hard the last few weeks to find some answers.  If I wrote a list of my perfect guy and what he would be like and what qualities have and how he would make me laugh, etc; and someone made him it would be Jeremy.  Besides the cheating things which I didn't know about obviously.  They would have made me Jeremy.  He was my perfect guy.  He held my hand how wanted, he kissed me how I wanted, he held me perfectly, he loved me perfectly.  He was my perfect match.  Here's where it all goes wrong.... If I were to write a list of my perfect life, what I want out of it, where I want it to go, what I want to happen; it wasn't what Jeremy wanted to offer me.  He didn't want to give me the life that I wanted.  He didn't want to sacrifice for me.  He didn't want to share the life that I wanted, or even compromise on the life I wanted.  So, where does that leave me?  I had my perfect guy, but not my perfect life.   Frustrating right?? lol  Then he left me for the girl who has part of the life I wanted... Funny how he can have that life with someone else but I wasn't good to have it with.  Makes me laugh.  I guess I'll never understand that but I think I'm ok with not having to understand it all anymore.  I really am ready for life to be fun again.  For life to show me why it's worth living.  Going out with friends, smiling, making friends, making me a better person, growing up.  I'm happy.  I'm working on me, and I'm figuring me out too.  But I'm not looking to jump into another relationship, I'm not ready to share myself with someone yet.  I thought I was, but I wasn't.  I want to go on road trips with Brady, I want to hang out with random people, I want to forget what heartbreak feels like, I want to remember why I loved school, I want to have a job where I hate my boss again, I want breathe freedom again.  I want to feel like me again.  I'm starting to, I'm starting to feel like me, and feel like who I was, and seeing who I wanted to be.  I'm healing... I love that I can say and I can mean, like really really mean.  I still feel him, it still hurts sometimes, but I don't miss him everyday anymore.  I love that.  I have people who barely know me and friends I've had for a long time who have helped me more than they know.  Thank you: Haili, Jesse, Ashley, Brady, Joshlyn, Sara, Bishop Oldroyd, Trisha, Alyssa, Whitney, Dan, Steph, Katelyn, Katie, Sierra.  I don't know that these people will ever know, but they helped heal.  Leaving tonight with a real smile on my face.....

Yay for me!!

I took my final today in my drug dosages class.  It was 105 points and I could miss 57 and still get a B in the class.  But I only missed 3 and got 97%.  Which gave me 96 % in the class.  The class was only worth 414 points and got 359 points out of the whole class.   I was soooo excited.  I did a little dance in the hallway after I left.  Now all I got to do is get my med term class done and all my prereqs will be finished and all there is left to do is wait for an opening in the Medical Assisting program.  I'm determined to do amazing.  I finished this class in 7 class days.  Which is 2nd best, next to someone who finished in 6 days.  But still I'm so happy and ready to surpass everyone else.  Sounds so conceded but I just don't care.  I'm on a total high. 

Anyway, life is good.  I've got things in order, I'm doing good.  I've met a couple guys but no so sure I'm ready for the whole relationship scene again.  I'm 0 for 3 in the last 3 1/2 years and that just keeps screaming in the back of my head.  But I will take as it comes.  I haven't thought much of him lately.  Maybe cause I've been busy or maybe because I'm starting not to care.  I don't which but I do know I'm less angry lately.  And anger has been the biggest and overwhelming emotion in my life lately.  Not the last few days and sure as hell not today!!

Leaving on a good note.... :)

New Day

I can honestly say that I feel good.  I've moved past most of the darkness and have been doing really well.  I still think about him everyday.  I don't miss him for the most part.  No more dreams and no more tears.  I've actually been pretty angry the last week.  But anger won't help me so I'm trying to ignore those things.  I have lots of flashbacks and think of our memories often.  Sometimes I even wonder if he's thinking about me but I know that's futile.  Why would he, he's busy in someone else's bed, with her baby.  


My drug dosages and calculations class is over on Friday when I take the final.  Yay!  Super excited/nervous.  I start taking Medical Terminology probably next week.  I have to take it online which I'm not too happy about but maybe I can speed through it quicker.  I don't know.  It sounds like I'm going back to Pizza Hut.  I'm desperate for a job and it's the only job I'm pretty much guaranteed.  Sucks but income is income and I can't be picky.  I got stuck with more debt than I ever wanted or deserved but then again, you never know what people will do.  I have to start somewhere to get out of it.  


I've gone back to church recently.  Trying to find some kind of peace in all my misery.  I've met some new people and found some friends.  Every time I go I seem to meet more and more people.  I've spoken with the Bishop and he is more than understanding and comforting.  I feel like my heart heals even more when I'm there.  I get out more during the week with all the activities.  I'm meeting people my age and spending time with young adults.  It's nice.  I feel supported and respected.  I don't know how to explain how much that means to me.  I've kept my past to myself.  I don't want people to feel sorry for me or avoid me like the plague.  But for now, I'm starting to feel myself become happy again.  I worry about the future still.  I wonder if I'll always be single, if I'll ever have a family, if I'll ever be able to move out of here (i hope so).  But I'm content lately.  I still feel the sting everyday but it doesn't hurt as much anymore.  It's a good thing.
 

Good Friends Make Better Days

It's good when you have good friends that just help you feel better.  Out of all my friends right now Ashley and Brady are the ones that have helped me through this.   Whenever I talk to one of them I always feel better.  Ashley and I talked tonight about a bunch of things.  She always has some insight and makes me feel better.  Like moving on is my only option because it's the only thing that I deserve.  Like all the bad will be quadrupled by the good that will come.  Brady always makes me laugh when it just feels like I want to cry.  He doesn't push the issues that are hard to talk about and changes the subject when he knows that I can't and don't want to talk about it.  Even though I don't have friends I see everyday and get to "hang out" with all the time.  I have quality friends.  Friends who are concerned about me and want the best for me.  Tonight the conversation with Ashley really pulled me out of this funk I have been in the last week or two.  It's really nice to hear from people who are not your family that you're worth more and that you deserve more.  I do.  I don't know that I'm always a quality friend to them, but it makes me want to be a better friend to them.  I want to bring clarity to them like they have brought to me.  I want to help them through the hard times.  I want to be that person that are to me.  Ashley and Brady I want you to know how much you mean to me.  I want you to know that your friendship is so important to me and has helped more than any other person.  You two are amazing people and are my best friends.  But more than that you are my heroes.  Without you two I may not be who I am nor where I am today.  I love you both.  

I can do better.  I can be better.  I deserve better.  I will find better.  I will be happy someday.

Gray

I'm so tired of complaining and being in such a funk.  I thought I was so over this.  I thought I had put it behind me but the last week and a half I just move anywhere.  I'm stuck in the quicksand of heartache.  Somedays I'm so angry I want to "Lorena Bobbit" every man I see, others I can't keep the tears away.  I want so badly to move forward.  I want to look into my future and see good and let the past be the past but this gray unyielding heartache has just enveloped my world.  I don't let myself be happy and try my best to put my next foot forward but I've been standing still for a week and a half and just don't feel like myself.  Somedays I don't feel like it's even worth getting out of bed and moving, and even breathing.  I want so much, and so badly to put it behind.  To bury the pain, to set it aside and let myself get over it.  I just can't.  I don't know what to do.  Even when I start to look into my future all I do is question it.  Can I love again?  Can I be open and vulnerable again?  Can I trust?  Will someone truly love me?  Will my heart ever really heal?  I can't answer any of these, and some all I answer is no.  I feel like the longer this goes on the more broken I feel.  The more of myself is slipping away.  The more I don't feel like me and the harder it is to see the road that leads back to that person I was.  I feel myself getting harder and bitchier.  I hate who I see myself becoming but I don't know how to move on.  I hate myself more and more.  I hate myself for it all.  Why is this worth it?  Why?   I want to give up.  I want to throw in the towel and quit fighting for it all. 

Momentum

I have had all this momentum lately.  I have felt like I was moving forward leaving garbage behind me.   Moving toward something positive.  And yesterday I had my feet knocked out from underneath me.  It feel like I am starting over.  I know I should quit looking for things cause I'll always find them, but it just screams to me that I wasn't good enough.  It looks totally different than what it looked like for me.  I want to throw up the last two days.  Am I really over him?  Somedays I know I am.   Somedays I'm 100% positive.  I know I deserved more and needed more than what he could give me.  But then there are days like the last two where I just want him back.  My mind is spinning.  I hate how I feel right now.  I don't cry or freak out but that pit in my stomach is back and with vengeance.  My anxiety is sky high again and all I want to do get rid of it.  I have moments where I'm ok, but all the things I have to distract me just haven't done it for me lately.  I was a slinky going down a flight of stairs.  I was getting close to the bottom with plenty of speed and then all of a sudden I stop.  I miss him crazy, and then I don't.  I want him back and then I don't.  I know I need more and I know if he were to come back I would want more.  More than he can give me.   Not more apparently than he can give her but still.  Makes me wonder why I wasn't enough, why he didn't fight for me.  I know I'm talking and thinking in circles.  I know it sounds so screwed up.  All I want to do is drink myself into a coma everyday, but I can't.  I want a job to distract, I want school full time to distract me.  I want a rebound guy to distract me.  Anything at all.  I want to find that momentum that I had at first.  I want to feel like I'm moving forward again.  I just have run out of ideas on how to do that.  My mind is screaming while I'm trying to stay sane.  It's unbelievably frustrating right now.  As much as I loved him and all the memories I love to reminisce, sometimes I feel like if I could erase the whole time I could move forward.  Then I realize that I could never do it, even if I had the chance.  I wrote down all my goals and things I wanted in life.  Smaller and more direct list than the once I posted on here.  I know that 75% of that list he could have never given me.  And they are things that I deserve to have in my world and he agrees.  So, I should be able to just start moving again and moving forward but there are just days where I want to live in the what ifs and feel like complete and utter shit.  I guess this week is that time for me. 

Memories I don't want to forget

- The first goodbye; we stood in the kitchen and held each other for so long my arms went numb and it still felt perfect.  He was truly sad I was leaving.

- Chili's he was nervous and was standing behind me at the bar.  He was flirting with me and put he cold hands on my neck.  That awkward feeling and butterflies.  

-  The first night when he told me how much he wanted me.

-  The way he held my hand during the first car show he ever took me to on his birthday.  If I let go he'd find it and take it again.  I was his and he wanted to show me off.

-  I came all the way down there after work and was so sore and achy and spent the next hour and a half massaging everything from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.

-  The night before I told him I loved him and he whispered in my ear "I love you" and thought I was sleeping but I'll always remember.

-  One of our many trips to Home Depot he bought me this book about decorating your first home.  It was more than we could afford right now but he insisted that I have and do what I wanted to our home.

-  When I sprained my ankle really bad right after we moved into our house, he carried me and held my hand, and made me stay in bed.  Like he checked in on me all the time and noting everything that I was out of place to make sure I was staying put.

- Right after we moved in together he spent the next few days insisting that I call the apartment home.  It was a hard adjustment but he kept correcting me.

-  The many mornings we spent in bed without leaving til we had to go to work.

-  The first night we met and the hot tub.  ;)

- The Smith's sign in Roy.  That sign changed my life forever.  I realized I was running and changed my mind.  

-  The first ride on his motorcycle, scary and exhilarating.

-  Tickling his back till he fell asleep and massaging his feet while sitting on his hideous orange couch. 

-  Him insisting we get a couch that was our own.  We picked it out together.  

- The "I love you's" and the kisses.

Feeling Down

When all is said and done, how do you feel happy?  It's so hard to start feeling like I'm in a good place and then get kicked back down to the ground and made to feel like I'm just as unimportant as the next person.  I spend a lot of time trying to make myself a better person and a happier person but I'm not anyone's number one.  There are always more important people to everyone else.  That is hard.  I used to be someone's number one.  I used to be loved.  I used to have someone to go to for anything and made me feel better.  Now, he makes someone else feel better when they are sad.  And what about me?  Who loves me?  Who is there for me?  I'm there for me.  I'm the only one that is gonna look out for me.  Even the people I love the most have more important things than having a relationship with me or spend time with me.  It's so hard sometimes.  I'm trying to move forward with my life but maybe, I'll always have this mentality that I have to look out for only myself.  I'm ready to move forward.  To find someone to care who I can care about as well.  I'm looking but I don't know if I'll ever find them or if I do find them if they'll give me the time of day or the chance that I want.  Still waiting....