Momentum

I have had all this momentum lately.  I have felt like I was moving forward leaving garbage behind me.   Moving toward something positive.  And yesterday I had my feet knocked out from underneath me.  It feel like I am starting over.  I know I should quit looking for things cause I'll always find them, but it just screams to me that I wasn't good enough.  It looks totally different than what it looked like for me.  I want to throw up the last two days.  Am I really over him?  Somedays I know I am.   Somedays I'm 100% positive.  I know I deserved more and needed more than what he could give me.  But then there are days like the last two where I just want him back.  My mind is spinning.  I hate how I feel right now.  I don't cry or freak out but that pit in my stomach is back and with vengeance.  My anxiety is sky high again and all I want to do get rid of it.  I have moments where I'm ok, but all the things I have to distract me just haven't done it for me lately.  I was a slinky going down a flight of stairs.  I was getting close to the bottom with plenty of speed and then all of a sudden I stop.  I miss him crazy, and then I don't.  I want him back and then I don't.  I know I need more and I know if he were to come back I would want more.  More than he can give me.   Not more apparently than he can give her but still.  Makes me wonder why I wasn't enough, why he didn't fight for me.  I know I'm talking and thinking in circles.  I know it sounds so screwed up.  All I want to do is drink myself into a coma everyday, but I can't.  I want a job to distract, I want school full time to distract me.  I want a rebound guy to distract me.  Anything at all.  I want to find that momentum that I had at first.  I want to feel like I'm moving forward again.  I just have run out of ideas on how to do that.  My mind is screaming while I'm trying to stay sane.  It's unbelievably frustrating right now.  As much as I loved him and all the memories I love to reminisce, sometimes I feel like if I could erase the whole time I could move forward.  Then I realize that I could never do it, even if I had the chance.  I wrote down all my goals and things I wanted in life.  Smaller and more direct list than the once I posted on here.  I know that 75% of that list he could have never given me.  And they are things that I deserve to have in my world and he agrees.  So, I should be able to just start moving again and moving forward but there are just days where I want to live in the what ifs and feel like complete and utter shit.  I guess this week is that time for me.