Another Day...

Today was just another day.  No big deal, or epiphanies.  Just trying to deal with all the stress in my world.  I applied for so many jobs this last week and was so hopeful that I would hear back from at least one but no such luck yet.  It is awful.  I really need a job and to start getting caught up on what debt I have.  I feel really helpless and like I am not contributing.  I want to start working again to get caught up on my world and get back on my feet.  This sucks so much.  On a good note I do start my first class tomorrow.  I'm so excited to start and get going on all of this and get my Medical Assisting done as soon as possible.  I went to church today.  The second week in a row.  I don't know how I feel about it quite yet.  I'm worried I'm gonna spend all this time "going back" and then decide it's just not for me or that my status as "used goods" in the church, I'll never get married or have a chance at a family or moving forward with my life.  I don't want to be stuck in this stage of life forever.  I want to move forward in my life but I don't know that they will see me worth their time.  I've been thinking about Jeremy today too.  I've been wondering if he is happy.  I've been wondering if he is thinking about our memories.  I worry he'll forget me.  I don't need or even want him to love me anymore but I hope he won't forget me.  We have had such amazing memories.  One day, right after we moved into our trailer, there were people still living there and we had moved with Katelynn and Shana and Shana's friend who owned the house before us.  We were all in the living room and either watching TV or hanging out (can't really remember) and we were all laughing and just having a good time.  Jeremy and I were standing behind the couches close to the kitchen counter.  I looked over at him and he was looking at me.  I smiled at him and he grabbed my by the arm and pulled me into the kitchen and pinned me up against the counter and kissed me.  He kissed me like no one ever had.  It was perfect and it took my breath away.  He pulled away and then hugged me and I don't think I have ever felt so loved and wanted than that moment right then and there.  I won't ever forget that memory along with many others, I just don't want him to forget those moments because they were important to me.    That's all today.

Bright

I have so put all the drama and hurt and pain behind me.  I never thought that I could move on so quickly but I had realized that my heart just wasn't in it anymore.  I still love him and I still miss him but I'm never gonna have a future with him.  But how much is out there for me in the future?  What could I miss today or tomorrow if I remain focused on something that's in the past?  I have so much to offer the world and so much to accomplish in life still.   I can't stay stuck in the past and in a relationship that would never have moved forward or in a direction that I want.   I want so much out of life.  I want to do so much with my life.  I am so looking forward to what could lie ahead in my life.  I'm scared everyday that I'll be alone and that no one will ever see the real me.  But if I stay scared forever and never let myself open up I can never expect the same from someone else.  But I know that if I try, and stay positive I will find something wonderful for my life.  I went to a friend's wedding yesterday.  My friend Ashley got married to a guy I hadn't met till the wedding.  I watched the love that they shared.  It was beautiful.  Their vows were sincere and sweet, and more loving than anything anyone has ever shared with me.  And I watched him with her during the reception.  With all the "catching up" their were doing, he'd find time to walk up to her and kiss her, her cheek, stroke her hair, tell her he loves her.  It was real, it was sincere, it was love.  I'm gonna wait for the real love, for something like that.  It was beautiful, and that is something I would love to have someday.  I am gonna stay positive and look forward and stop wasting my life and my time thinking about what ifs, and trying to figure where it went wrong; because it doesn't matter anymore.  I know the future holds great and wonderful things for Cassie Baker.

50 Things I Want for My Life

50.  I want to volunteer for something.

49.  I want make a quilt for all my future children.

48.  I want change a tire on my own.

47.  I want to get a tattoo.

46.  I want to go diving and/or snorkeling on a reef with beautiful fish and sharks.

45.  I want to spend a day in the park with my future family; playing, eating, and laughing.

44.  I want to go to a concert and dress up ridiculously and scream, and jump and dance and have more fun then ever.

43.  I want to lose weight and be healthy.

42.  I want to make a million scrapbooks of my life and take photographs of everything in my world. 

41.  I want to ride horses in the ocean surf.

40.  I want to go to on a sailing trip on the ocean.

39.  I want to laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants and can't stand up.

38.  I want to drive a convertible with the top down and play music as loud as I can.

37.  I want an entire day to feel like lyrics to a country song.

36.  I want to discover something new and wonderful.

35.  I want to dance with someone spontaneously somewhere and sometime absolutely unexpectedly.

34.  I want to get my own apartment and live independently on my own.

33.  I want to try skiing or snowboarding.

32.  I want to have a Valentine's Day surprise like never before.  With flower petals all over the place, dozens of roses and calla lilies, chocolates, and music and dancing in the living room.

31.  I want to have the patience someday to have a flower garden and take care of it.

30.  I want to go on a safari and see lions, hippos, hyenas, water buffalo, giraffes and zebras.

29.  I want to learn how to play the guitar or the piano

28.  I want to go on a date and feel like a teenager again.  I want to go to an arcade, or go to a make out spot.  lol

27.  I want to swim with dolphins.

26.  I want to jump down through a waterfall and play in the pool underneath the waterfall.

25.  I want to drive through mud puddles and get stuck.  

24.  I want to make a million mistakes.

23.  I want to have Lasik someday.

22.  I want to go surfing someday, or at least try to surf.

21.  I want to be goofy, and be goofy with the people I love.   I don't want take life too seriously all the time.

20.  I want to travel to and/or Rome, Bali, South Africa, New Zealand, Fiji, Carribean, Costa Rica, Venezuela, Alaska, Hong Kong, Greece, Washington DC.  lol

19.  I want to get my credit score up to around 750 or more and keep it there.

18.  I want to go parasailing, and/or hot air ballooning.

17.  I want to go to karaoke once.

16.  I want to end up working in a hospital.

15.  I want to have a picnic on the top of a mountain, with someone I love and watch the sunset.

14.  I want to make out in the pouring rain.

13.  I want to finish Medical Assisting school with flying colors.

12.  I want to spend the entire night lying on a blanket with the person Iove and watch the stars.


11.  I want to go backcountry hiking to Fairyland Basin just once.


10.  I want to buy my own car and do it all on my own.


9.  I want to fall madly in love with someone worth falling in love with.


8.  I want to go ring shopping all day long and not get a single one.


7.  I want to cry on the night that the man I love tells me how much he loves me and I how he can't live without me and proposes to me.


6.  I want to get out of debt and stay out of debt.


5.  I want savings in the bank for a rainy day.


4.  I want to buy a house with a big kitchen and pool table.


3.  I want to get married and dance with my husband.


2.  I want to have a family.  A house full of kids.


1.  I want to be happy.

Dear Jeremy

Dear Jeremy,

I loved you honestly and openly.  I put all my effort into a real relationship.  I made every effort to keep a real relationship alive.  I loved you through your faults and accepted them as a part of who you were.  I followed you across the country chasing your dream.  I believed in you and pushed you when you were down.  I held you when you cried and gave up on yourself.  I told you, you were good enough when you decided you weren't.  I kept you close to my heart so that you could feel my love.  I told you I loved you everyday.  I kissed you on good and bad days.  I held your hand when times got rough and bumpy.  I fought with you, and argued with you, and made love with you.  I gave my heart to you.  I gave you the best of who I was and I am not ashamed that I did.  I accepted your family and your beautiful daughter and loved them with the same heart.  I moved forward with our relationship when the road looked dark and scary.  I laughed with you and cried with you.  I was comfortable with you and felt safe with you.  I sacrificed with you and for you.  I went all in.  I played all my cards.  I now I walk away.  But I don't have regrets, I don't look back and wish I hadn't.  I put all my effort, heart, love and life into our relationship; into you.  I gave it my all.  The night I drove home from your house and saw the Smith's sign in Roy and chose to give it a real try, well, I did that.  I don't have to be ashamed.  I don't have to feel like I didn't do enough.  I don't have to feel like I wasn't good enough.  I was good enough and I did do enough.  I'm leaving with my head held high.  I don't hate you, I don't feel like it was all a waste of my time, I don't have to be angry anymore.  Can you say the same?  Do you feel the same?  Did you give it your all?  Did you do your best?  Did you give me your best and your all?  I will always love you, and you will always be a part of me.  But I am done feeling sorry for myself.  I'm done being angry and sad, and crying over what could have been.  I did everything I could have that was in my power, and I feel good about that.  I hope that you have a good life.  I hope you find a relationship you can stick with.  I hope that you are safe and that someday you will find real happiness cause I have intention of finding that for myself.  I'm going forward with my life and finding what I deserve and hope you do the same.  

Always,
Cassie Baker

Music Can Heal The Heart and Mine's Healing

A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans

Whiskey - Jana Kramer

Break Even - The Script

Cold as You - Taylor Swift

Love Done Gone - Billy Currington

Love You - Jack Ingram


Brokenheartsville - Joe Nichols


I Look So Good Without You - Jesse James


Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood


Everybody's Fool - Evanescence 


The Heartache That Don't Stop Hurtin' - Jason Aldean


If She Could See Me Now - Jason Aldean


Leave - Jojo


Over It - Katharine McPhee

Feeling a little better.

Today is the first day that I actually feel better.  I feel "a little bit stronger".  The morning was still difficult but the rest of this day has been a little better.  I haven't cried and I haven't thought much of him today.  It has been good.  Last night was hard though.  I was cleaning my room and seemed to find more and more of his stuff of Jeremy's.  Every time I found something I started crying.  I never go on Jeremy's side of the bed... or I guess the other side of the bed and he had a left a can of soda that he was drinking the last night that he was here.  It took everything in my being to throw it away and stop bawling.  And I found his doo rag and it made me start bawling all over again.  It was absolutely one of his trade marks.  It's was tough but I did it.  I cleaned the room out of all of his stuff in such a rage I didn't do such a good job and finding his things was difficult.  But today has been a good day.  It has been a pleasant day.  The first day in 2 weeks that I feel good.  I'm trying to keep this momentum and keep my spirits high.  I miss him, and I love him but I am better off without him.  Maybe I'm starting to understand and realize that. 

A Little Bit Stronger

 This song has become my anthem.  I've liked this song since the day I first heard it but never thought it would help me so much.  There are moments in the day when I'm consumed by the "whys" and picturing them together.  Where I'm overcome by anxiety and pain and sadness.  If I hum it or sing it or listen to it, it helps.  I helps me believe there is an end to this heartache that seems to consume me.  Somedays and some moments I don't think there is an end to it but this song gives me hope.  Hope that I will come out on top of this.  I have the song on my phone and the lyrics as well.  It's always close to me and maybe one song and cal pull me through this.  The lyrics are beautiful, strong, and filled with hope. 


A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans

Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger

Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger

And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sara-evans-lyrics/a-little-bit-stronger-lyrics.html]

And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby

And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change

I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger

I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger

My Constructiveness

Life is complicated.  I feel like mine is especially.  This blog is helping me so much, every time I feel like I'm gonna explode it's one of the two things that helps me get some kind of relief.  I've decided the last few days that I'm gonna put myself first in my life.  I've been running the last week.  I've really started to love it.  Well, my body isn't quite liking it.  It's been a while since I've been to the gym and my legs hurt but my psyche is feeling better.  Nights are easier for me because I really focus on my runs.  I've been going farther and farther every night and I'm breathing easier.  I also started sit ups and push up (kinda, can't really do them but figure it still helps).  My body hurts lol.  Like bad but pain has kinda been my friend in one way or another the last couple months.  I can feel myself getting healthier.  I really like working out with people who help push me further and keep me going but maybe .... no not maybe... I'm gonna do this on my own.  I'm gonna get healthy.  I'm starting school this next week and am really excited.  I'm still looking for a job and it's awful.  If anybody is reading this and has a swing shift job that you might be able to help me get that would be super awesome.  I really really really need it.  Mornings are a little harder.  I dream of Jeremy and waking up thinking of Jeremy, I think about Jeremy for most of the morning and early afternoon hours.  It's tough.  I wanna stop but its super hard.  I'm in love with him still and letting go is difficult.  If I could get a job that would make it easier too.  Maybe I would spend less time thinking of Jer and more time on me again.  I feel selfish when I talk about just thinking about myself but I think it will be good for me.  I don't know if people read this or not.  I don't know if Jer still reads this or not.  But it feels good when I vomit all this swimming around in my head.  When I get it out of my system.  Makes me feel like the dead parts of me that are decaying from this heartache are slowing breaking off by spilling my guts on here.  I feel like this heartbreak has made parts of my soul dead and black and they are eating away at the inside of me and this outlet helps get some of that out of me.  There is only one other way I feel that kind of relief from all this.  So I'm sorry if this bores any of you out there, but maybe you kinda understand.

Very Hard Day

I took Jeremy's stuff back today.  His car, clothes, and bunch of other things.  I took it to Ogden to his parent's house.  I've never had to do something so hard.  Before we took the car back I had to go to the storage unit.  Which is right down the road from where we had our house.  It was so hard to drive by the Smith's sign in Roy and take the 334 exit.  Driving down Hill Field Road.  I tried so hard to contain myself but I bawled uncontrollably.  All the memories came flooding back.  All the times I drove down there for the night, the whole time we were at the house.  We were so happy and so good together.  The Smith's sign that changed my mind in the beginning and called and told him I was gonna try this thing.  It was harder than I had ever expected.  Harder than I wanted it to be.  It's over.  He doesn't love me.  He's gone and with someone else and has forgotten all about me.  Forgotten about our life together, our sacrifices and our love.  It's all over and it's done.  I'm so heartbroken, so sad.  I miss our 'slug-bugs', our inside jokes, his arms around me and feeling safe, his smell, and smile, and his voice.  I'm trying so hard to be strong but today I'm not strong.  Today is a bad day.  Today was too much for me too soon.  I'm so scared I'll never move on.  I'm scared I will have more bad days than good ones.  Yesterday was a good one, and today is a very bad one.

A little better.

I feel a little better today.  My world still feels upside down and like a tornado and blown threw, but the pit in my stomach is not as big.  My anxiety has let up a bit and I'm starting to be able to focus on other things.  It's been tough trying to get the "whys" outta my head and stop picturing them together but it's getting easier.  I've started running at nights.  Run 5 out of the last 6 nights.  Makes me feel a little better and it's been getting easier and easier to run.  Have felt pretty sick the last week and a half and at first I thought it was the stress and all the distress and heartbreak.  But now I'm thinking I have a stomach bug.  I just can't eat and feel so yucky.  I start school in a week and a half and have already started reading the book.  It helps keep my mind occupied.  I've read and completed the first couple chapters.  I'm trying really hard to find a job but it is just so freakin' hard.  I've applied to so many places and turned down for most and the rest haven't heard back on.  I'm getting really frustrated but trying not to let it get me down.  I want to work a swing shift job so that I can go to school.  Brynndle is picking up on my depression.  She mopes around alot of the time.  She won't eat either.  She has barely eaten in the last 4 weeks.  It's totally freakin' me out.  I've tried a lot of things to get her to eat but she just isn't buying any of it.  I miss Jeremy terribly.  I'm still angry but all I keep thinking about was a the good things, all the great memories.  All the times he was good to me and took care of me.  It makes me cry to think that while I was in love with him he was falling in love with someone else.  It's really hard to think that to feel that.  I'm trying to not let it affect me, but when I think about it, it makes me hate myself, makes me feel less the worthy.  I gave up so much for this relationship.  When we started I had good credit, money saved up, a decent car (lol), a job and I left this relationship with nothing.  It's hard to start from nothing.  I wish I never had agreed to go on the road.  We would still be living in our house and happy.  Talking about a baby and designing the house.  Picking out the colors for the inside and outside.  And designing the rooms.  But then again; it was his dream, we were both giving up it all to go after his dream.  The dream that tore my heart apart and left me heartbroken at home.  It's so hard to go through it all in my head.  As strange as it sounds; I love him still.  :'(  But today it's just a little easier.  I breathe a little easier and focus on other things easier.  I want to call him every minute still and talk to him and feel better; but I won't.  Hopefully tomorrow I will feel a little better too.  I don't want anymore set backs. 

I'm an idiot!

All the signs were there.  All the nights he didn't want me.  All the days he avoided me.  All the times he couldn't come home.  I knew.  I knew it all along.  But finding out was like getting punched in the stomach.  Like a hot knife through my heart.  I want to scream!  I want to yell!  I want to break things!  I want to hit someone.  I want destruction and pain!  I want to cry till I'm sick and never want to eat again.  I'm not good enough.  I'm not pretty or skinny enough.  I'm everyone's second choice.  Why doesn't anyone love me back.  I really did love him.  I really did care.  I never would have taken someone else.  I never would have lied and stayed with someone else.  I can't see my smile anymore.  I can't stand to look in the mirror.  I hate myself.  I hate myself for opening my heart.  I hate myself for loving him, for sharing myself with him.  Why?  I just want to cry and scream.  I'm so stupid.  I was ok with it.  The break up and the ending it.  I was a little sad and I missed him.  But now I never want to see him again.  I never hear his voice.  A voice that lied.  Why won't someone love me back?  Why won't someone chase me, and love me, and want me?  I'm so angry and so hurt, so so hurt. 

Future

Do you think that you can really rise above all that is thrown in front of you?  Can you come back after the world crashes down over your head?  Can you achieve all you dreamed and be happy for the rest of your life without having a million "what ifs"?  I look down the road.  I know what I want to do and what I want to achieve and I picture myself in 10 years with all things I want, but is that a reality?  Can it really happen?  Is it really what I want or will I find regret when I have everything I want?  I want to go to school and work in the medicine.  I want to love my job.  I want to find real love.  A man who will love me unconditionally and spend his days making me happy, someone who makes me smile and laugh and me spend my days doing the same.  I want 3 children.  A boy and 2 girls (although this can alter a bit lol).  I want to be financially secure.  Not rich by any means but I want to be able to pay the bills and still have a little left over at the end of the month, and a little in savings.  I want to be a happy family that has picnics on Saturday afternoons.  I want the day to end and I want to be able to smile with all that I have in my life.  But is it something that I can actually have, or will have?  My life seems like a whirlwind of questions, fears, and complications.  I've never felt so lost or so afraid of what my life will be.  Will I be alone for the rest of my life?  Will I never achieve what I want?  Will I spend my life full of regrets and under achieved dreams?  I've never been so afraid of what the future holds, or how my life might turn out.  It's so frustrating.  I have spent the few days contemplating what I want out of life.  I have a very good idea of what I want.  I know the important things that I want, and know the things that I don't want.  But now that I know these things I'm afraid of not getting them.  I trying to live one day at a time and tackle the small things that I encounter everyday but maybe that will leave me regretting the big things that I never tried to conquer.  It's like texas hold'em.  You never know if what you're betting will be worth it until all the cards are out on the table.  I can only see what I have on the table right now and I'm betting all that I have, on the hope that I'll win, that I'll get it all in return.  I'm so afraid to see the other cards on the table. 

Heartache

Tuesday night Jeremy and I broke up.  Long story short; we mutually decided that we loved each other but that we needed different things in life and that we would be better off if we did it without each other.  We weren't as happy as we once had been.  We talked it out and figured things out and he left on Wednesday morning.  I felt good.  Like I was turning over a new page, starting a new chapter in my life.  I decided that I would focus on getting a job and getting back to school (going to BATC for medical assisting).  I felt really good.  Then I went to bed.  With Jeremy being on the road I've crawled into an empty bed 95% of the time for the last few months, but it was different this time.  I burst into tears and cried until I ran out of energy and fell asleep.  It wasn't that I regret our decision or that I want to to call him in the middle of the night to take me back, cause I don't.  It was that Jeremy is this wonderful man, who loves and cares about me, and is always good to me.  And now he'll never sleep next to me.  I'll never wake up next to him.  I'll never have him hold me on one of those days where I a little extra help to get through the day.  I don't have someone I can confide in about everything.  I'll never do his laundry and laugh about his shirts being so holey.  He's gone and it's really over.  He's my "ex" now.  That sounds so awful.  I didn't realize how hard this would be.  I assumed that because we broke up and it was easy.  No fighting or arguing or name calling or throwing things, I thought that it would never hurt.  But it does.  It took me by surprise, the tears and the hurt all snuck up on me.  I love Jeremy and he will always have a piece of my heart, but I want so much out of life.  I want to conquer it all and find myself.  But right now I just want the hurt to go away, I want to not feel on the verge of tears, I don't wanna feel the empty when I crawl into bed.  I don't wanna look back at all our wonderful and amazing memories together, and feel so sad.  I want to feel happy and good about our life we lived together, but I just can't right now.  Why do I feel so heartbroken when we decided together that it was better if we ended things?  I know that I have so much to offer this life and so much to achieve right now while I'm young.  But I'm really scared that I'll be alone for good now.  That I'll never have the opportunity to wake up next to someone I love ever again.  I just never expected this at all.