A little better.

I feel a little better today.  My world still feels upside down and like a tornado and blown threw, but the pit in my stomach is not as big.  My anxiety has let up a bit and I'm starting to be able to focus on other things.  It's been tough trying to get the "whys" outta my head and stop picturing them together but it's getting easier.  I've started running at nights.  Run 5 out of the last 6 nights.  Makes me feel a little better and it's been getting easier and easier to run.  Have felt pretty sick the last week and a half and at first I thought it was the stress and all the distress and heartbreak.  But now I'm thinking I have a stomach bug.  I just can't eat and feel so yucky.  I start school in a week and a half and have already started reading the book.  It helps keep my mind occupied.  I've read and completed the first couple chapters.  I'm trying really hard to find a job but it is just so freakin' hard.  I've applied to so many places and turned down for most and the rest haven't heard back on.  I'm getting really frustrated but trying not to let it get me down.  I want to work a swing shift job so that I can go to school.  Brynndle is picking up on my depression.  She mopes around alot of the time.  She won't eat either.  She has barely eaten in the last 4 weeks.  It's totally freakin' me out.  I've tried a lot of things to get her to eat but she just isn't buying any of it.  I miss Jeremy terribly.  I'm still angry but all I keep thinking about was a the good things, all the great memories.  All the times he was good to me and took care of me.  It makes me cry to think that while I was in love with him he was falling in love with someone else.  It's really hard to think that to feel that.  I'm trying to not let it affect me, but when I think about it, it makes me hate myself, makes me feel less the worthy.  I gave up so much for this relationship.  When we started I had good credit, money saved up, a decent car (lol), a job and I left this relationship with nothing.  It's hard to start from nothing.  I wish I never had agreed to go on the road.  We would still be living in our house and happy.  Talking about a baby and designing the house.  Picking out the colors for the inside and outside.  And designing the rooms.  But then again; it was his dream, we were both giving up it all to go after his dream.  The dream that tore my heart apart and left me heartbroken at home.  It's so hard to go through it all in my head.  As strange as it sounds; I love him still.  :'(  But today it's just a little easier.  I breathe a little easier and focus on other things easier.  I want to call him every minute still and talk to him and feel better; but I won't.  Hopefully tomorrow I will feel a little better too.  I don't want anymore set backs.