My Constructiveness

Life is complicated.  I feel like mine is especially.  This blog is helping me so much, every time I feel like I'm gonna explode it's one of the two things that helps me get some kind of relief.  I've decided the last few days that I'm gonna put myself first in my life.  I've been running the last week.  I've really started to love it.  Well, my body isn't quite liking it.  It's been a while since I've been to the gym and my legs hurt but my psyche is feeling better.  Nights are easier for me because I really focus on my runs.  I've been going farther and farther every night and I'm breathing easier.  I also started sit ups and push up (kinda, can't really do them but figure it still helps).  My body hurts lol.  Like bad but pain has kinda been my friend in one way or another the last couple months.  I can feel myself getting healthier.  I really like working out with people who help push me further and keep me going but maybe .... no not maybe... I'm gonna do this on my own.  I'm gonna get healthy.  I'm starting school this next week and am really excited.  I'm still looking for a job and it's awful.  If anybody is reading this and has a swing shift job that you might be able to help me get that would be super awesome.  I really really really need it.  Mornings are a little harder.  I dream of Jeremy and waking up thinking of Jeremy, I think about Jeremy for most of the morning and early afternoon hours.  It's tough.  I wanna stop but its super hard.  I'm in love with him still and letting go is difficult.  If I could get a job that would make it easier too.  Maybe I would spend less time thinking of Jer and more time on me again.  I feel selfish when I talk about just thinking about myself but I think it will be good for me.  I don't know if people read this or not.  I don't know if Jer still reads this or not.  But it feels good when I vomit all this swimming around in my head.  When I get it out of my system.  Makes me feel like the dead parts of me that are decaying from this heartache are slowing breaking off by spilling my guts on here.  I feel like this heartbreak has made parts of my soul dead and black and they are eating away at the inside of me and this outlet helps get some of that out of me.  There is only one other way I feel that kind of relief from all this.  So I'm sorry if this bores any of you out there, but maybe you kinda understand.