So, I feel like this is going to be the last year that I can get really excited about my birthday and act like a child and be absolutely immature about my birthday and so, I'm going to be just that. I think that after this year I should really treat my birthday like everyone else treats their birthdays and that is you dread the age and get over it. So, I'm going to make 23 wishes (of which I doubt highly of getting any but it makes things fun!) and next year I'll grow up! Promise!
My 23 Wishes (in no particular order except for the first one, I want that one the most!)
1. Ryan Gosling!!
2. Surprises; a million and one of them!
3. An amazing cake
4. Balloons and streamer decorating my room
5. Flowers (preferably lilies or calla lilies)
6. To have a song sung to me other than the normal Happy Birthday that everyone sings badly (at least in my family)
7. Kiss from a cute guy ;)
8. Cute notes and posts from friends about how wonderful I am
9. A birthday party I don't know anything about
10. Not to be reminded I share my birthday with a ton of other people I know
11. To be told I look young for my age
12. Pretty jewelry
13. A new outfit that makes my butt look great hehe
14. Gifts that are not wrapped in christmas wrapping paper
15. NO SNOW!!!
16. Not to be woken up at some crazy hour to have some surprise before the sun comes up
17. A manicure!
18. A new hair style (I'm so over the one I have now)
19. Good news (about anything that has to do with me)
20. To spend the day with the family and friends I love so much
21. To have nothing happen that would spoil my day!
22. The pair of shoes I want from Maurices (I would also like to wear them to church!)
23. To have an unforgettable day that was all about me!
Now, all if this is selfish and childish and that is just fine with me. My birthday is my favorite "holiday" and "I want, what I want, when I want it" - Terri Jean Baker. I have no expectations that any of this will happen but wouldn't it be great! lol So, that's all! 6 Days!!! (don't judge for this post please!)
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Insecurties
I was talking to a friend today. We were talking about boys and the ones we like and relationships. We were also talking about being burned. It seems like when those men who we love turn around and burn us real good we end up questioning ourselves so much. We find ourselves insecure with things in our lives. Now, don't get me wrong; I really like myself. But I find myself trying to answer questions I won't ever get answers to and evaluating all my flaws and forgetting the good things about me sometimes. But most of all I worry that someday I find someone to love again and never trust them. I'll always think that someone better will come around the corner and they'll leave me. I can't ever be the best thing for anyone; they could always do better. My friend was in a similar situation and she feels like she has to be on and fun all the time or the guy will split. I totally understand this. I understand that there are great things about us all but I think that all these women around me are so much greater. So, then it's just time before the men will figure out that there is a better woman out there. It's an unfair judgement to me and the men, and the other women around me; but I can't stop. Now, I've been thinking about this and why are we letting these shitty men control our lives long after they are gone? Why do they still have such a hold on us when our hearts have let us go? It's so stupid. We have to go back to believing that there are great men still out there. That the don't all cheat, leave, and break our hearts. That they won't all leave us burned and hurt in the end. We have to believe that some of them are still great. That some of them can really love us. We have to let the anger go, the insecurities go, the uncertainty of men's fidelity and trustworthiness. We have to go back to believing we are worth something to them. I'm going to make it a goal to start believing in the best things about me again. I'm going to stop thinking that all men cheat and are not worth my time, my heart and my trust. I'm going to give them the benefit of the doubt because if I don't someday I'll run the one I love out of my life because my heart is afraid. I can be happy, I can trust, and I can let someone in.
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
25 Things I'm Thankful For
I decided that I would do the unoriginal list of things I'm grateful for... I'm thankful for a lot of things this year. They are no particular order but here they all are.
I'm thankful for....
1. my family who have been patient with me the last few months while I get my life back in some kind of order.
2. my truck. I don't like it much, but I am thankful that I have some kind of mode of transportation and well, it's kinda growing on me.
3. my job. I have not always liked working for Pizza Hut but I am thankful that I have a source of income again.
4. the gospel. It has been a process going back but I've never felt more comfortable in my life and in my own skin than I do right now in my life.
5. my balance. I've really found my kind of balance. I've found myself and found a good balance between all the things in my life; my friends, my family, my opinions, my beliefs all of it!!
6. Katie. I'm so grateful for her, she's been one of my best friends and we really seem to help each other the last few months.
7. Sierra. For her attitude, she seems to always have a better way of looking at things whether it's a better attitude or a worse one I love it.
8. Rayna. My relationship with Rayna has been rocky but I love her and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
9. my mom and dad. They have always been an example with their marriage in what we should hold out for and strive to have when our day comes.
10. my old friends. For being supportive of me and my decisions in my life and the support I got this summer from them. Even those who live far away! ;)
11. my new friends. With going back to church I have made some great new friends who have given me the conviction to keep going back and who continually give me the extra push when I need it. A special thanks to Brenna Clarke, Joni Severe, Jill Stapley, Joshlyn Carmona, Shannon and Shanda, Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, and Joe Willes. You guys have made my life easier and sweeter in the last few months and I owe you guys so much.
12. my Brynndle. She is the sweetest dog and knows when I need her the most. I'm so grateful to have a welcome home like one she gives me every time I walk through the door.
13. Jeremy. It sounds strange but without him I wouldn't have found parts of who I am and grown as a woman.
14. to not be with Jeremy anymore. I am grateful that I have been able to move forward with my life and start to achieve goals that I wanted to achieve and find myself.
15. patience. I don't have a lot but I have some and it has really been good for me. I've needed it a lot lately.
16. the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I feel like without it I would still be in the dark that I lived in for a long time. I'm healing and I'm moving forward and I've never been more happy in my life and with myself and the decisions that I'm making.
17. Bishop Oldroyd. He's been such an example to me. He's been so great with me and supportive and understanding. He's also been a rock in the last few weeks with the passing of his wife and I hope to have the faith that he has.
18. music. Music truly heals the heart and guides the mind. It has been the one thing I've reached for every time I've needed that extra push.
19. Brady. Oh Brady, what would I do without you. A best friend really knows what you need when you need it and understands better than almost anyone. Thank you! :)
20. prayer. My prayers have been fervent and honest and sincere. They have been a saving grace and a needed comfort in my life.
21. living in Cache Valley. Some days I feel trapped in this small town but there are a million and one great things and perks about living in a place where you truly love your neighbors and trust those around you.
22. my institute class and Brother Larsen. I just can't say enough. I love digging into our talks every week and think about them daily. And Brother Larsen is amazing!! I don't know how that man teaches the way he does and it feels like he's talking one on one with you while teaching an entire class.
23. my hair, my feet and my eyes. They are my favorite features and I love them. It sounds weird but we should all me thankful for the assets we've been given rather than hating those we don't like.
24. being a sister and a friend. It's something I love to be and to do. I love being there for the people around me and helping them with the things in their lives. I love feeling like people can trust me and rely on me.
25. myself. I like who I am. I like who I am becoming. I like most things about myself. I don't feel like there are things I should hate about myself. I think I'm a good person. I'm an honest person now. I'm a strong person. I'm worth it even though its hard to remember from time to time.
There is my list. You may not agree with some things but it's not for you it's for me.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
I'm thankful for....
1. my family who have been patient with me the last few months while I get my life back in some kind of order.
2. my truck. I don't like it much, but I am thankful that I have some kind of mode of transportation and well, it's kinda growing on me.
3. my job. I have not always liked working for Pizza Hut but I am thankful that I have a source of income again.
4. the gospel. It has been a process going back but I've never felt more comfortable in my life and in my own skin than I do right now in my life.
5. my balance. I've really found my kind of balance. I've found myself and found a good balance between all the things in my life; my friends, my family, my opinions, my beliefs all of it!!
6. Katie. I'm so grateful for her, she's been one of my best friends and we really seem to help each other the last few months.
7. Sierra. For her attitude, she seems to always have a better way of looking at things whether it's a better attitude or a worse one I love it.
8. Rayna. My relationship with Rayna has been rocky but I love her and I'm so grateful to have her in my life.
9. my mom and dad. They have always been an example with their marriage in what we should hold out for and strive to have when our day comes.
10. my old friends. For being supportive of me and my decisions in my life and the support I got this summer from them. Even those who live far away! ;)
11. my new friends. With going back to church I have made some great new friends who have given me the conviction to keep going back and who continually give me the extra push when I need it. A special thanks to Brenna Clarke, Joni Severe, Jill Stapley, Joshlyn Carmona, Shannon and Shanda, Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, and Joe Willes. You guys have made my life easier and sweeter in the last few months and I owe you guys so much.
12. my Brynndle. She is the sweetest dog and knows when I need her the most. I'm so grateful to have a welcome home like one she gives me every time I walk through the door.
13. Jeremy. It sounds strange but without him I wouldn't have found parts of who I am and grown as a woman.
14. to not be with Jeremy anymore. I am grateful that I have been able to move forward with my life and start to achieve goals that I wanted to achieve and find myself.
15. patience. I don't have a lot but I have some and it has really been good for me. I've needed it a lot lately.
16. the Atonement of Jesus Christ. I feel like without it I would still be in the dark that I lived in for a long time. I'm healing and I'm moving forward and I've never been more happy in my life and with myself and the decisions that I'm making.
17. Bishop Oldroyd. He's been such an example to me. He's been so great with me and supportive and understanding. He's also been a rock in the last few weeks with the passing of his wife and I hope to have the faith that he has.
18. music. Music truly heals the heart and guides the mind. It has been the one thing I've reached for every time I've needed that extra push.
19. Brady. Oh Brady, what would I do without you. A best friend really knows what you need when you need it and understands better than almost anyone. Thank you! :)
20. prayer. My prayers have been fervent and honest and sincere. They have been a saving grace and a needed comfort in my life.
21. living in Cache Valley. Some days I feel trapped in this small town but there are a million and one great things and perks about living in a place where you truly love your neighbors and trust those around you.
22. my institute class and Brother Larsen. I just can't say enough. I love digging into our talks every week and think about them daily. And Brother Larsen is amazing!! I don't know how that man teaches the way he does and it feels like he's talking one on one with you while teaching an entire class.
23. my hair, my feet and my eyes. They are my favorite features and I love them. It sounds weird but we should all me thankful for the assets we've been given rather than hating those we don't like.
24. being a sister and a friend. It's something I love to be and to do. I love being there for the people around me and helping them with the things in their lives. I love feeling like people can trust me and rely on me.
25. myself. I like who I am. I like who I am becoming. I like most things about myself. I don't feel like there are things I should hate about myself. I think I'm a good person. I'm an honest person now. I'm a strong person. I'm worth it even though its hard to remember from time to time.
There is my list. You may not agree with some things but it's not for you it's for me.
Happy Thanksgiving!!
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Meet My Brynndle
I have an amazing and beautiful dog named Brynndle. She is a year and 3 months old and I've had her for a year. She was a gift to me from my ex and it was the best thing that he ever gave me. She is a little slow and she might not be all there mentally but she is so great and makes my day every day. She is goofy and loves to play. Her favorite game is tug-of-war and she'll play catch with her pink ball. She loves ripping the fluff out of toys so I've learned to buy toys without fluff and only with squeakers in it! She isn't the most obedient dog ever but she will sit most of the time you tell her to and she goes to bed every time you tell her to. She is so cute when she goes to bed. She'll crawl into her doggie bed at night and long before I go to bed. Then when I finally go to bed she waits til I fall asleep and then crawls in bed with me. If it is cold in the room she'll crawl into the covers and if it's not then she'll sleep on top but always curled up next to my tummy. In the morning she will either cry to let her out or she will jump on me, lick my face and my hands, and if that doesn't wake me up to play with her she has learned how to dig the covers off of me and that will do the trick. Her best friend is mom's cat that is mentally retarded named Frosty and they play with each other every day. She can be the biggest pest and the sweetest girl all at the same time. I have all sorts of nicknames for her that she answers to "sweetness", "baby girl", "pretty girl" and I love her so much. When I am sad she will cuddle with me and when I cry she cocks her head to one side like she doesn't understand then she curls up next to me with her head on me. When we get home she gets super excited and jumps on everyone. She loves my dad but she's afraid of him at the same time. She gets excited when he comes home and wags her tail and wants him to pet her but when he gets close she jumps back. It's so cute to watch. She is afraid of everything. She is afraid of blankets (except hers which she is very protective of), loud noises, things that don't belong in a room, hats, dolls, costumes, and new people. She barks every time someone comes to the door. It's definitely annoying but no one will ever break into this house. She needs to meet people a few times before she decides if she likes them and with men it's kind of hit and miss if she will like you or not. She loves french fries, potato chips, apples and popcorn. And she does NOT like grapes and bananas. She loves watching other dogs on TV. When two people are wrestling in the house she will pick a side and attack the other person and really gets into it and playing with them. I love it, it is the cutest thing. She is my baby and I love her with all my heart!!!
Brynn driving the truck
Brynn as a puppy sleeping
Taking a nap with Terri
Looking for Moose in Maine
My baby girl on my lap
Brynn as a puppy in her coat
Smiling for the camera
Playing outside
Looking for her ball
All grown up Brynndle
Smiling for the camera
Playing outside
Looking for her ball
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
My Birthday
December 11, 1988
I know I have more than a month but I love my birthday... I hate that it's in December and that it's in the winter but it's still my birthday. I want an amazing birthday this year. I know I won't get it but I can wish it IS my birthday!! lol I'm turning 23 which I am having a problem with and I don't really understand and no one else does either but I thought I would make a list of all the things I want for my birthday and maybe someone who reads this will do one or possibly two of them. I figure I deserve it cause I have had a seriously bad year this year, but then again who cares... it is only my birthday..
- I want to be truly surprised.
- I do NOT want my truck to be "decorated" lol (Sierra! Katie! Brady!)
- I want a hundred choruses of "Happy Birthday"
- I want flowers ( white calla lilies preferred)
- I want cute little notes passed to me all day
- I want a bouquet of balloons that does NOT have an "over the hill" saying on it
- I want to have sushi
- I want to come home and find my room decorated in balloons and streamers and banners.
- I want a kiss from a cute boy (even if it doesn't mean anything)
- I want to be kidnapped by friends and have a party!! (not at some odd hour of the morning/night)
- I want someone to make me a mix CD of all the songs that makes them think of me
- I want a date that week with someone awesome!
- I want to find little surprises every where!
- I want a scavenger hunt that leads me to something awesome!!
- I want it to NOT snow!!
- I want a million compliments about how cute and silly and fun and great I am!!! ( am I getting prideful?? lol)
- I want 24 hours just about me!!
I think I deserve a great birthday this year... That is just me of course. lol I'm not this selfish usually but I get one day out of 365 and I want a good one this year! Last year it was a half-assed effort, the year before I threw my own party, the year before nothing, the year before that nothing, and so on. The last real celebration for my birthday was when I turned 16!! It's about time I get a real party!! So, get me flowers and balloons and write me a love note or poem and sing to me and get me a great piece of cake!! That's all I'm asking!! Is it too much?? lol I'll repost this when it's gets closer! lol And can anyone explain to me why I'm so upset about turning 23?? It's not like 25 or 30. It's nothing spectacular! I don't get it?? For any of you out there who actually read this I'm just excited about my birthday and sending birthday wishes you don't have to take this literally!! lol
I know I have more than a month but I love my birthday... I hate that it's in December and that it's in the winter but it's still my birthday. I want an amazing birthday this year. I know I won't get it but I can wish it IS my birthday!! lol I'm turning 23 which I am having a problem with and I don't really understand and no one else does either but I thought I would make a list of all the things I want for my birthday and maybe someone who reads this will do one or possibly two of them. I figure I deserve it cause I have had a seriously bad year this year, but then again who cares... it is only my birthday..
- I want to be truly surprised.
- I do NOT want my truck to be "decorated" lol (Sierra! Katie! Brady!)
- I want a hundred choruses of "Happy Birthday"
- I want flowers ( white calla lilies preferred)
- I want cute little notes passed to me all day
- I want a bouquet of balloons that does NOT have an "over the hill" saying on it
- I want to have sushi
- I want to come home and find my room decorated in balloons and streamers and banners.
- I want a kiss from a cute boy (even if it doesn't mean anything)
- I want to be kidnapped by friends and have a party!! (not at some odd hour of the morning/night)
- I want someone to make me a mix CD of all the songs that makes them think of me
- I want a date that week with someone awesome!
- I want to find little surprises every where!
- I want a scavenger hunt that leads me to something awesome!!
- I want it to NOT snow!!
- I want a million compliments about how cute and silly and fun and great I am!!! ( am I getting prideful?? lol)
- I want 24 hours just about me!!
I think I deserve a great birthday this year... That is just me of course. lol I'm not this selfish usually but I get one day out of 365 and I want a good one this year! Last year it was a half-assed effort, the year before I threw my own party, the year before nothing, the year before that nothing, and so on. The last real celebration for my birthday was when I turned 16!! It's about time I get a real party!! So, get me flowers and balloons and write me a love note or poem and sing to me and get me a great piece of cake!! That's all I'm asking!! Is it too much?? lol I'll repost this when it's gets closer! lol And can anyone explain to me why I'm so upset about turning 23?? It's not like 25 or 30. It's nothing spectacular! I don't get it?? For any of you out there who actually read this I'm just excited about my birthday and sending birthday wishes you don't have to take this literally!! lol
Friday, October 28, 2011
A Change in my Heart
So, my whole world has turned completely around. I've gone from angry and sad, to happy and giddy all the time. I don't have a specific reason to be happy all the time but I just am. I have new and wonderful friends, I have a job (whew), I have school (kinda), I have a great family, I have new clothes (:D), I had a crush for a while (which was fun, but over lol). I have just so much in my life that is positive and great that I can't help find peace and comfort in it all. I read a poem a friend wrote a few days ago and it made me think.
-Joe Willes
(I hope he's ok that I used his poem)
It just made me think of all the people in our lives that come and go but change who we are. Some of them leave scars and others change our hearts but they all help shape us into the people we are. Whether they are family or friends or examples we look up to they all shape us. I have scars from people that are gone in my life, I've had people who let me down, and I have had people lift me up but they have all made me a stronger and better person. Some have shown me what I don't want to be others have shown what I want to be. It was such an eye-opening message for me. It helped me cope with some of the pain that I have been dealing with and see it in a different light. So, maybe next time something happens, someone leaves, someone dies, someone lets me down. I can look at the experience and see how they changed me for the better or made me stronger because of the experience. My heart is changed for so many reasons. It's a little more guarded towards love but it's also open to truth and light. It's also opened more for friends and good examples in my life. My face glows a little more right now, there's a little bit of a bounce in my step, there is a brighter color of green in my eyes... I feel amazing. I'm content with my life. I have goals and direction. I have friends who support the choices I'm making in my life. How could I not be a happy woman right now?! lol
"...The waters that flowed along the rolling hills
The streams whose currents carved the very face
Of my portrait seem to have dried up
Now a miry pit of mud and despair
Yellow, sweet yellow is gone
All the other colors I would have expected
To depart from me at this time
But, gone, gone, gone, gone is my yellow.
I am waiting for the rest to go.
My mind draws a blank
My image is fading
Gone is the portrait,"-Joe Willes
(I hope he's ok that I used his poem)
It just made me think of all the people in our lives that come and go but change who we are. Some of them leave scars and others change our hearts but they all help shape us into the people we are. Whether they are family or friends or examples we look up to they all shape us. I have scars from people that are gone in my life, I've had people who let me down, and I have had people lift me up but they have all made me a stronger and better person. Some have shown me what I don't want to be others have shown what I want to be. It was such an eye-opening message for me. It helped me cope with some of the pain that I have been dealing with and see it in a different light. So, maybe next time something happens, someone leaves, someone dies, someone lets me down. I can look at the experience and see how they changed me for the better or made me stronger because of the experience. My heart is changed for so many reasons. It's a little more guarded towards love but it's also open to truth and light. It's also opened more for friends and good examples in my life. My face glows a little more right now, there's a little bit of a bounce in my step, there is a brighter color of green in my eyes... I feel amazing. I'm content with my life. I have goals and direction. I have friends who support the choices I'm making in my life. How could I not be a happy woman right now?! lol
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Happy and full of Hope!!
I met a guy a few weeks ago and didn't really talk to him but I had this feeling about him and it was 2 weeks until I saw him again and I got butterflies. He didn't really notice me, so I kinda gave up on it. A couple hours after seeing him we starting chatting online and I got butterflies again. It seemed silly cause we didn't really know each other at all. I've seen him a few times lately and got to know him. Now, here comes the good part I guess. I don't think he's interested in me which is fine. He wrote the most beautiful thing to a woman and it made me smile. But it was so great to crush a guy again. It's been so long and I was very worried for a long time that I wouldn't ever let myself crush anyone again or open up to a man again. So, it's not a big deal and I'm not gonna cry over him. But it was fun and liberating to feel things again. To feel freed from all the chains of hating myself. I love myself. I smile everyday and enjoy my life right now. It's wonderful. I love my life and where it is going. The stresses in my life are slowing dissolving and escaping. I have more hope for my life and myself right now than I think I ever have. I'm the happiest woman right now and not for any one particular reason. I feel like things are coming together for me. I love the friends I have and have made recently. I love having Brady home and love having church in my world again. I love the hugs and the encouragement I get everyday. I love being in control of my world and not feeling like I have to live in someone else's life. I've made leaps and bounds not only with my life but with myself as well. I've never loved myself the way I love myself right now. I wouldn't change me. I have things I want improve on with myself but I like me.
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Need to do More with my Life
Been considering so many things in my life lately. I've got a general direction that I'm heading in (education, career, job for now, get out of debt) which is fantastic, but there are so many things that I'm also considering doing. Like I've wanted to find way to volunteer for Humanitarian Aide efforts and help others in countries that have nothing. I want to find something new in my world. Like maybe moving somewhere else for a year and discovering a new side to myself. The more and more I overcome this pain (from so many different places in my life) the more I realize I want more to my life, I want to become a more rounded person, I feel like I have more depth to myself that I have yet to discover. There has been this part of me lately which feels like I was this empty shell of a person for the last few years and I could have been developing myself better but instead I was focused on things that were keeping me an empty person. Now, that I'm moving forward I want so much more! More life, more spirituality, more education, just more everything. I want to contribute so much more to this world. I know that I have so much to offer this life and I have been held back up until now. I want to travel, I want to help, I want others to have something eased by something that I've done, or contributed to. I know that life has the basic sketch of birth-education-career-marriage-family-death but there is so much more to living and I'm realizing this more and more every day. Haven't you ever felt like there was something you needed to achieve in this life that wasn't what everyone else expected from you? That's what I want. You just wait and see, in a year I'm going to have done something that mattered! That mattered to someone other than myself. I'm gonna make my time worth something. And maybe on this path of new self-discovery I'll find a new perspective, a new goal or maybe even love. I think I do deserve real love in my life from someone who actually means it. Who knows maybe I'll find it when I'm least looking for it.
Monday, September 26, 2011
Some stuff in my World
My life has become a little bit complicated lately. There was an opening in the Medical Assisting Program and I couldn't afford the beginning fees and so I got bumped down the list again. If the financial aid ladies had gotten my FAFSA stuff done 3 months ago it would have been less of a problem but whatever. Still taking my online class and kicking ass in it. I have a meeting tomorrow with the Vice President of the BATC tomorrow and hopefully there will be good news later.
Still no job and it's getting very stressful but I do have good feeling that one is coming. I sure as hell hope so. But when I get a job and school actually starts it's all gonna get crazy in a big hurry. I can handle it though so bring it on!!
For those of you who don't know, cause I don't really post stuff about this but I've gone back to church. I needed some kind of peace in my life. I'm still me just with a little more direction and more comfort in life. It's been a good thing for me. I've found some strength that I didn't know that I could have in my life and I'm really enjoying it for me. I feel like I've found a balance between who I am and who I want to be. I did this for me, because I really felt like it was the best thing for me to be doing and I needed something more in my life for myself. I've been really happy with my decision. I know I have friends out there that are not a fan of this; and this is what I have to say to that. This decision was for me and me alone. I feel that is the best thing for me to be doing in my life. I still love you for who you are and I promise not to try and change you. I'm still me and haven't changed. If you are really my friends then you'll accept this decision and love me for who I choose to be and I'll do the same for you.
My best friend Brady Bodily is coming home in the next few weeks and I'm sooo excited. It'll be nice to have him around again and hang with him and not have to worry that he will be hurt while in the field. I know it'll be tough for him when he comes back but there are many who love him and care for him so it'll be great. I told him today that normalcy will be a good thing for him for a little bit. Please everyone pray that he'll get home safely, these next few weeks I'll freak out and worry a little extra.
I also want to thank some special people in my life... Brenna Clarke and Joni Severe for being the best visiting teachers and friends I could ask for. Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, Joshlyn Carmona, Jill Stapely for being friendly faces and comforting and open arms for me the last few weeks. Your friendships to me have meant so much to me. Thank you to the Smithfield YSA 1st ward for helping so much through the last 2 months. It has been a comfort to call you all friends and my ward family. And a special thanks to Andrew Weber... ;) you're amazing!! I'm a better person for knowing all of you!! :D
Still no job and it's getting very stressful but I do have good feeling that one is coming. I sure as hell hope so. But when I get a job and school actually starts it's all gonna get crazy in a big hurry. I can handle it though so bring it on!!
For those of you who don't know, cause I don't really post stuff about this but I've gone back to church. I needed some kind of peace in my life. I'm still me just with a little more direction and more comfort in life. It's been a good thing for me. I've found some strength that I didn't know that I could have in my life and I'm really enjoying it for me. I feel like I've found a balance between who I am and who I want to be. I did this for me, because I really felt like it was the best thing for me to be doing and I needed something more in my life for myself. I've been really happy with my decision. I know I have friends out there that are not a fan of this; and this is what I have to say to that. This decision was for me and me alone. I feel that is the best thing for me to be doing in my life. I still love you for who you are and I promise not to try and change you. I'm still me and haven't changed. If you are really my friends then you'll accept this decision and love me for who I choose to be and I'll do the same for you.
My best friend Brady Bodily is coming home in the next few weeks and I'm sooo excited. It'll be nice to have him around again and hang with him and not have to worry that he will be hurt while in the field. I know it'll be tough for him when he comes back but there are many who love him and care for him so it'll be great. I told him today that normalcy will be a good thing for him for a little bit. Please everyone pray that he'll get home safely, these next few weeks I'll freak out and worry a little extra.
I also want to thank some special people in my life... Brenna Clarke and Joni Severe for being the best visiting teachers and friends I could ask for. Trisha Hall, Alyssa Ross, Joshlyn Carmona, Jill Stapely for being friendly faces and comforting and open arms for me the last few weeks. Your friendships to me have meant so much to me. Thank you to the Smithfield YSA 1st ward for helping so much through the last 2 months. It has been a comfort to call you all friends and my ward family. And a special thanks to Andrew Weber... ;) you're amazing!! I'm a better person for knowing all of you!! :D
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
September.. the beginning of something great..
So... first off, last week I knew that Rascal Flatts was coming to concert to USANA in SLC and I wanted tickets more than anything. They are my favorite group/artist of all time and have always wanted to see them. So, I had been trying to win tickets through the radio stations and had been calling multiple times every hour for a week. Then, Thursday afternoon my best friend Brady who is serving overseas called me and told me he had bought me two tickets to go. I thought he was kidding and when he said he wasn't I started screaming and dancing and jumping up and down. I was more excited than I've ever been ever. I called my other bestie Ashley and told her she was coming with me and needed to get work off. The next night we were at USANA watching Justin Moore (which Ash did NOT prefer, she called him Justin Nomoore lol), Sara Evans (amazing!!) and Rascal Flatts (sooooo awesome can barely contain myself days later). It was a crazy night of singing, screaming, dancing, and laughing. We had great seats and though the weather taunted us the first hour even raining a bit before the first act started, it all cleared up and we had an incredible time. We met some seriously crazy but fun people and had a creeper standing behind for the majority of the time. But all in all it couldn't have been better. Thank you Brady for the tickets and Ashley for the memories.
Next, I found out this morning that I could possibly get into my program starting Oct 3 and if I work hard and quick I could be done by June and working as a Medical Assistant next summer. I'm thrilled. I hope all my interviews and financial aid and paperwork all go alright. I'll know more on Thursday but seriously I'm so excited to get started and start learning.
Then, I met this guy a few weeks ago, he lives in Washington and his name is Andrew. He is really great. He's so nice and funny and he makes me laugh. I have been txting him almost nonstop for like 2 weeks. He has this way of making me light up and I haven't done that in forever. Now, it's long distance and I don't know how it is going to work out or even if it will yet, but I know that I haven't been this happy and giddy in a long time; so it's a worth a shot. I'm just glad that I have someone who thinks good things of me and who is (even from another state) pushing me to strive harder and be better.
I thought for a while that things were never gonna look up and that I would stay in this never never land of misery, but I'm good. I'm better than I was. I've got goals and people who care if I have goals and if I achieve those goals. That's nice to know. I've got a bright future ahead of me and people who care and love me. What more could I ask for??
Next, I found out this morning that I could possibly get into my program starting Oct 3 and if I work hard and quick I could be done by June and working as a Medical Assistant next summer. I'm thrilled. I hope all my interviews and financial aid and paperwork all go alright. I'll know more on Thursday but seriously I'm so excited to get started and start learning.
Then, I met this guy a few weeks ago, he lives in Washington and his name is Andrew. He is really great. He's so nice and funny and he makes me laugh. I have been txting him almost nonstop for like 2 weeks. He has this way of making me light up and I haven't done that in forever. Now, it's long distance and I don't know how it is going to work out or even if it will yet, but I know that I haven't been this happy and giddy in a long time; so it's a worth a shot. I'm just glad that I have someone who thinks good things of me and who is (even from another state) pushing me to strive harder and be better.
I thought for a while that things were never gonna look up and that I would stay in this never never land of misery, but I'm good. I'm better than I was. I've got goals and people who care if I have goals and if I achieve those goals. That's nice to know. I've got a bright future ahead of me and people who care and love me. What more could I ask for??
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Becoming a Better Person
I guess we're always striving to be better people. But I'm holding onto so many things that keep my from becoming one. I want to be stronger but I'm holding on to things that make me weak. Everything from habits, to men, to fears. Brenna and Joni (visiting teachers) asked me tonight what I am afraid of. I gave them the bullshit answer of spiders, and drowning; but who isn't afraid of those things, I mean my ex is more afraid of spiders than I am. But maybe the real answer is I'm afraid of who I'll become, who I won't become, if I'll be alone, if I'll succeed, if I'll fail, if I'll run from the hard things to find the easier ones, if I'll let people in when I'm scared they won't be around later when I need them. How long do you let fear run you; take a hold of you and let IT define you instead of the better things in life?? So, I know the things I want, I know the person I want to be, and now that I'm free from being held back, my fears are now in the way. I want to say the future looks inviting and I'm excited for what is to happen. Some of that is the truth, I am excited and some of it is inviting but some of it is scary. I look at some women who see all the beauties of life and they seem to know that the uncertainties of life are blessings. But I hate it. It's like a book I've read half way through and the last few chapters have been ripped out. I just want to know the ending. I want to know if I end up living happily ever after. LOL Seems silly huh?? It's so frustrating not to be able to have that certainty that when I do A I get B later. But then if you look at it with a totally selfless perspective; I do know what B is. I do know that if I do A I'll get B. And all the things in between are just a part of the ride. I just have to have faith, work hard, believe in myself and in the end I'll find all that I wanted in the beginning. It's so hard to look at a perspective like that. To see outside of the box and not focus on the here and now and what I want or don't want, or need or don't need. But maybe if I spend sometime everyday, looking at the bigger picture, my fuzzy picture of life will get a little clearer and I'll see things a little better and find that happy ending that I always dreamed. Maybe that's the key to becoming a better person. It's not focusing on the here and now, but the bigger and the future. Someday I'm sure I'll get it; the key to it all, the answers I've always wanted but for now I'm lost and looking for the same thing that everyone is looking for. I'm just like everyone else. I'm lost and searching. I'm a little lonely, a little sad. But I'm also happy, hopeful, goofy, and silly. I'm Cassie. I'm Cassie looking to make herself a little better every day. Succeeding somedays and failing others but me all the same.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Isn't Life Funny.
I have been so happy and have laughed so much in the last few days. And the next few days are going to be great... In fact I'm going to make sure that my life is going to be great. I have so much weight and worry on my shoulders but it just doesn't feel like it matters anymore. How funny right?! My world seems to be getting better and better all the time. I realized that I don't need a man to make me happy and that settling for what in the here and now and not waiting for the right guy, is just plain stupid. I deserve someone wonderful who loves me for me and for what I want and wants it as well. However, I am not dating for at least a year. I just can't do it. I have amazing people in my life from my friends to my family. I have so much that I'm gonna do with my life still. I'm gonna travel, make friends, be fool and have fun. I'm gonna get my MA license, and I'm gonna work in a clinic and maybe even move out of Cache Valley. I don't think I would mind that so much. Maybe I'll work in Hawaii for a while or in New York. Who knows? Jeff Eddington told me something a few months ago and I knew he was right, but I was in love and couldn't see past that. But he told me I should live in the here and now. I had too much life to live to be wasting it. I needed to live on my own, go travel, make random friends, move away for awhile. I think he was right, I need to do all of that. I'm 22 not 35!!! I have too much life to still live to be married and popping out kids. I want that, but I have a while before I have to do that. I'm gonna live... I'm gonna have fun... I'm gonna screw up, and goof off and live!!
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Answers and Thoughts....
I've been telling people that I just want to focus on me. I know others thought that was what I should be doing and I know that it's what I needed but didn't know if that is really wanted, now I do. I've been talking to a guy for the last couple days. He was really great, so sweet and just a good guy. But I realized that I just can't do a relationship. I can't focus on someone else or give energy to someone else. Jeremy took all my energy and I haven't been able to recharge yet. I got nothing to give anyone. I really want to start school full-time (and wish some people would get out of the program so I can start, stupid waiting list) and get a job. I want to have fun and be free and single and make me a better person. I want to recharge. I realized that recharging my energy and healing my broken heart are two different things. I also realized why letting Jeremy was so hard. I've been praying and thinking really hard the last few weeks to find some answers. If I wrote a list of my perfect guy and what he would be like and what qualities have and how he would make me laugh, etc; and someone made him it would be Jeremy. Besides the cheating things which I didn't know about obviously. They would have made me Jeremy. He was my perfect guy. He held my hand how wanted, he kissed me how I wanted, he held me perfectly, he loved me perfectly. He was my perfect match. Here's where it all goes wrong.... If I were to write a list of my perfect life, what I want out of it, where I want it to go, what I want to happen; it wasn't what Jeremy wanted to offer me. He didn't want to give me the life that I wanted. He didn't want to sacrifice for me. He didn't want to share the life that I wanted, or even compromise on the life I wanted. So, where does that leave me? I had my perfect guy, but not my perfect life. Frustrating right?? lol Then he left me for the girl who has part of the life I wanted... Funny how he can have that life with someone else but I wasn't good to have it with. Makes me laugh. I guess I'll never understand that but I think I'm ok with not having to understand it all anymore. I really am ready for life to be fun again. For life to show me why it's worth living. Going out with friends, smiling, making friends, making me a better person, growing up. I'm happy. I'm working on me, and I'm figuring me out too. But I'm not looking to jump into another relationship, I'm not ready to share myself with someone yet. I thought I was, but I wasn't. I want to go on road trips with Brady, I want to hang out with random people, I want to forget what heartbreak feels like, I want to remember why I loved school, I want to have a job where I hate my boss again, I want breathe freedom again. I want to feel like me again. I'm starting to, I'm starting to feel like me, and feel like who I was, and seeing who I wanted to be. I'm healing... I love that I can say and I can mean, like really really mean. I still feel him, it still hurts sometimes, but I don't miss him everyday anymore. I love that. I have people who barely know me and friends I've had for a long time who have helped me more than they know. Thank you: Haili, Jesse, Ashley, Brady, Joshlyn, Sara, Bishop Oldroyd, Trisha, Alyssa, Whitney, Dan, Steph, Katelyn, Katie, Sierra. I don't know that these people will ever know, but they helped heal. Leaving tonight with a real smile on my face.....
Friday, August 19, 2011
Yay for me!!
I took my final today in my drug dosages class. It was 105 points and I could miss 57 and still get a B in the class. But I only missed 3 and got 97%. Which gave me 96 % in the class. The class was only worth 414 points and got 359 points out of the whole class. I was soooo excited. I did a little dance in the hallway after I left. Now all I got to do is get my med term class done and all my prereqs will be finished and all there is left to do is wait for an opening in the Medical Assisting program. I'm determined to do amazing. I finished this class in 7 class days. Which is 2nd best, next to someone who finished in 6 days. But still I'm so happy and ready to surpass everyone else. Sounds so conceded but I just don't care. I'm on a total high.
Anyway, life is good. I've got things in order, I'm doing good. I've met a couple guys but no so sure I'm ready for the whole relationship scene again. I'm 0 for 3 in the last 3 1/2 years and that just keeps screaming in the back of my head. But I will take as it comes. I haven't thought much of him lately. Maybe cause I've been busy or maybe because I'm starting not to care. I don't which but I do know I'm less angry lately. And anger has been the biggest and overwhelming emotion in my life lately. Not the last few days and sure as hell not today!!
Leaving on a good note.... :)
Anyway, life is good. I've got things in order, I'm doing good. I've met a couple guys but no so sure I'm ready for the whole relationship scene again. I'm 0 for 3 in the last 3 1/2 years and that just keeps screaming in the back of my head. But I will take as it comes. I haven't thought much of him lately. Maybe cause I've been busy or maybe because I'm starting not to care. I don't which but I do know I'm less angry lately. And anger has been the biggest and overwhelming emotion in my life lately. Not the last few days and sure as hell not today!!
Leaving on a good note.... :)
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
New Day
I can honestly say that I feel good. I've moved past most of the darkness and have been doing really well. I still think about him everyday. I don't miss him for the most part. No more dreams and no more tears. I've actually been pretty angry the last week. But anger won't help me so I'm trying to ignore those things. I have lots of flashbacks and think of our memories often. Sometimes I even wonder if he's thinking about me but I know that's futile. Why would he, he's busy in someone else's bed, with her baby.
My drug dosages and calculations class is over on Friday when I take the final. Yay! Super excited/nervous. I start taking Medical Terminology probably next week. I have to take it online which I'm not too happy about but maybe I can speed through it quicker. I don't know. It sounds like I'm going back to Pizza Hut. I'm desperate for a job and it's the only job I'm pretty much guaranteed. Sucks but income is income and I can't be picky. I got stuck with more debt than I ever wanted or deserved but then again, you never know what people will do. I have to start somewhere to get out of it.
I've gone back to church recently. Trying to find some kind of peace in all my misery. I've met some new people and found some friends. Every time I go I seem to meet more and more people. I've spoken with the Bishop and he is more than understanding and comforting. I feel like my heart heals even more when I'm there. I get out more during the week with all the activities. I'm meeting people my age and spending time with young adults. It's nice. I feel supported and respected. I don't know how to explain how much that means to me. I've kept my past to myself. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or avoid me like the plague. But for now, I'm starting to feel myself become happy again. I worry about the future still. I wonder if I'll always be single, if I'll ever have a family, if I'll ever be able to move out of here (i hope so). But I'm content lately. I still feel the sting everyday but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's a good thing.
My drug dosages and calculations class is over on Friday when I take the final. Yay! Super excited/nervous. I start taking Medical Terminology probably next week. I have to take it online which I'm not too happy about but maybe I can speed through it quicker. I don't know. It sounds like I'm going back to Pizza Hut. I'm desperate for a job and it's the only job I'm pretty much guaranteed. Sucks but income is income and I can't be picky. I got stuck with more debt than I ever wanted or deserved but then again, you never know what people will do. I have to start somewhere to get out of it.
I've gone back to church recently. Trying to find some kind of peace in all my misery. I've met some new people and found some friends. Every time I go I seem to meet more and more people. I've spoken with the Bishop and he is more than understanding and comforting. I feel like my heart heals even more when I'm there. I get out more during the week with all the activities. I'm meeting people my age and spending time with young adults. It's nice. I feel supported and respected. I don't know how to explain how much that means to me. I've kept my past to myself. I don't want people to feel sorry for me or avoid me like the plague. But for now, I'm starting to feel myself become happy again. I worry about the future still. I wonder if I'll always be single, if I'll ever have a family, if I'll ever be able to move out of here (i hope so). But I'm content lately. I still feel the sting everyday but it doesn't hurt as much anymore. It's a good thing.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Good Friends Make Better Days
It's good when you have good friends that just help you feel better. Out of all my friends right now Ashley and Brady are the ones that have helped me through this. Whenever I talk to one of them I always feel better. Ashley and I talked tonight about a bunch of things. She always has some insight and makes me feel better. Like moving on is my only option because it's the only thing that I deserve. Like all the bad will be quadrupled by the good that will come. Brady always makes me laugh when it just feels like I want to cry. He doesn't push the issues that are hard to talk about and changes the subject when he knows that I can't and don't want to talk about it. Even though I don't have friends I see everyday and get to "hang out" with all the time. I have quality friends. Friends who are concerned about me and want the best for me. Tonight the conversation with Ashley really pulled me out of this funk I have been in the last week or two. It's really nice to hear from people who are not your family that you're worth more and that you deserve more. I do. I don't know that I'm always a quality friend to them, but it makes me want to be a better friend to them. I want to bring clarity to them like they have brought to me. I want to help them through the hard times. I want to be that person that are to me. Ashley and Brady I want you to know how much you mean to me. I want you to know that your friendship is so important to me and has helped more than any other person. You two are amazing people and are my best friends. But more than that you are my heroes. Without you two I may not be who I am nor where I am today. I love you both.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Gray
I'm so tired of complaining and being in such a funk. I thought I was so over this. I thought I had put it behind me but the last week and a half I just move anywhere. I'm stuck in the quicksand of heartache. Somedays I'm so angry I want to "Lorena Bobbit" every man I see, others I can't keep the tears away. I want so badly to move forward. I want to look into my future and see good and let the past be the past but this gray unyielding heartache has just enveloped my world. I don't let myself be happy and try my best to put my next foot forward but I've been standing still for a week and a half and just don't feel like myself. Somedays I don't feel like it's even worth getting out of bed and moving, and even breathing. I want so much, and so badly to put it behind. To bury the pain, to set it aside and let myself get over it. I just can't. I don't know what to do. Even when I start to look into my future all I do is question it. Can I love again? Can I be open and vulnerable again? Can I trust? Will someone truly love me? Will my heart ever really heal? I can't answer any of these, and some all I answer is no. I feel like the longer this goes on the more broken I feel. The more of myself is slipping away. The more I don't feel like me and the harder it is to see the road that leads back to that person I was. I feel myself getting harder and bitchier. I hate who I see myself becoming but I don't know how to move on. I hate myself more and more. I hate myself for it all. Why is this worth it? Why? I want to give up. I want to throw in the towel and quit fighting for it all.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Momentum
I have had all this momentum lately. I have felt like I was moving forward leaving garbage behind me. Moving toward something positive. And yesterday I had my feet knocked out from underneath me. It feel like I am starting over. I know I should quit looking for things cause I'll always find them, but it just screams to me that I wasn't good enough. It looks totally different than what it looked like for me. I want to throw up the last two days. Am I really over him? Somedays I know I am. Somedays I'm 100% positive. I know I deserved more and needed more than what he could give me. But then there are days like the last two where I just want him back. My mind is spinning. I hate how I feel right now. I don't cry or freak out but that pit in my stomach is back and with vengeance. My anxiety is sky high again and all I want to do get rid of it. I have moments where I'm ok, but all the things I have to distract me just haven't done it for me lately. I was a slinky going down a flight of stairs. I was getting close to the bottom with plenty of speed and then all of a sudden I stop. I miss him crazy, and then I don't. I want him back and then I don't. I know I need more and I know if he were to come back I would want more. More than he can give me. Not more apparently than he can give her but still. Makes me wonder why I wasn't enough, why he didn't fight for me. I know I'm talking and thinking in circles. I know it sounds so screwed up. All I want to do is drink myself into a coma everyday, but I can't. I want a job to distract, I want school full time to distract me. I want a rebound guy to distract me. Anything at all. I want to find that momentum that I had at first. I want to feel like I'm moving forward again. I just have run out of ideas on how to do that. My mind is screaming while I'm trying to stay sane. It's unbelievably frustrating right now. As much as I loved him and all the memories I love to reminisce, sometimes I feel like if I could erase the whole time I could move forward. Then I realize that I could never do it, even if I had the chance. I wrote down all my goals and things I wanted in life. Smaller and more direct list than the once I posted on here. I know that 75% of that list he could have never given me. And they are things that I deserve to have in my world and he agrees. So, I should be able to just start moving again and moving forward but there are just days where I want to live in the what ifs and feel like complete and utter shit. I guess this week is that time for me.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Memories I don't want to forget
- The first goodbye; we stood in the kitchen and held each other for so long my arms went numb and it still felt perfect. He was truly sad I was leaving.
- Chili's he was nervous and was standing behind me at the bar. He was flirting with me and put he cold hands on my neck. That awkward feeling and butterflies.
- The first night when he told me how much he wanted me.
- The way he held my hand during the first car show he ever took me to on his birthday. If I let go he'd find it and take it again. I was his and he wanted to show me off.
- I came all the way down there after work and was so sore and achy and spent the next hour and a half massaging everything from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.
- The night before I told him I loved him and he whispered in my ear "I love you" and thought I was sleeping but I'll always remember.
- One of our many trips to Home Depot he bought me this book about decorating your first home. It was more than we could afford right now but he insisted that I have and do what I wanted to our home.
- When I sprained my ankle really bad right after we moved into our house, he carried me and held my hand, and made me stay in bed. Like he checked in on me all the time and noting everything that I was out of place to make sure I was staying put.
- Right after we moved in together he spent the next few days insisting that I call the apartment home. It was a hard adjustment but he kept correcting me.
- The many mornings we spent in bed without leaving til we had to go to work.
- The first night we met and the hot tub. ;)
- The Smith's sign in Roy. That sign changed my life forever. I realized I was running and changed my mind.
- The first ride on his motorcycle, scary and exhilarating.
- Tickling his back till he fell asleep and massaging his feet while sitting on his hideous orange couch.
- Him insisting we get a couch that was our own. We picked it out together.
- The "I love you's" and the kisses.
- Chili's he was nervous and was standing behind me at the bar. He was flirting with me and put he cold hands on my neck. That awkward feeling and butterflies.
- The first night when he told me how much he wanted me.
- The way he held my hand during the first car show he ever took me to on his birthday. If I let go he'd find it and take it again. I was his and he wanted to show me off.
- I came all the way down there after work and was so sore and achy and spent the next hour and a half massaging everything from the top of my head to the tips of my toes.
- The night before I told him I loved him and he whispered in my ear "I love you" and thought I was sleeping but I'll always remember.
- One of our many trips to Home Depot he bought me this book about decorating your first home. It was more than we could afford right now but he insisted that I have and do what I wanted to our home.
- When I sprained my ankle really bad right after we moved into our house, he carried me and held my hand, and made me stay in bed. Like he checked in on me all the time and noting everything that I was out of place to make sure I was staying put.
- Right after we moved in together he spent the next few days insisting that I call the apartment home. It was a hard adjustment but he kept correcting me.
- The many mornings we spent in bed without leaving til we had to go to work.
- The first night we met and the hot tub. ;)
- The Smith's sign in Roy. That sign changed my life forever. I realized I was running and changed my mind.
- The first ride on his motorcycle, scary and exhilarating.
- Tickling his back till he fell asleep and massaging his feet while sitting on his hideous orange couch.
- Him insisting we get a couch that was our own. We picked it out together.
- The "I love you's" and the kisses.
Feeling Down
When all is said and done, how do you feel happy? It's so hard to start feeling like I'm in a good place and then get kicked back down to the ground and made to feel like I'm just as unimportant as the next person. I spend a lot of time trying to make myself a better person and a happier person but I'm not anyone's number one. There are always more important people to everyone else. That is hard. I used to be someone's number one. I used to be loved. I used to have someone to go to for anything and made me feel better. Now, he makes someone else feel better when they are sad. And what about me? Who loves me? Who is there for me? I'm there for me. I'm the only one that is gonna look out for me. Even the people I love the most have more important things than having a relationship with me or spend time with me. It's so hard sometimes. I'm trying to move forward with my life but maybe, I'll always have this mentality that I have to look out for only myself. I'm ready to move forward. To find someone to care who I can care about as well. I'm looking but I don't know if I'll ever find them or if I do find them if they'll give me the time of day or the chance that I want. Still waiting....
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Another Day...
Today was just another day. No big deal, or epiphanies. Just trying to deal with all the stress in my world. I applied for so many jobs this last week and was so hopeful that I would hear back from at least one but no such luck yet. It is awful. I really need a job and to start getting caught up on what debt I have. I feel really helpless and like I am not contributing. I want to start working again to get caught up on my world and get back on my feet. This sucks so much. On a good note I do start my first class tomorrow. I'm so excited to start and get going on all of this and get my Medical Assisting done as soon as possible. I went to church today. The second week in a row. I don't know how I feel about it quite yet. I'm worried I'm gonna spend all this time "going back" and then decide it's just not for me or that my status as "used goods" in the church, I'll never get married or have a chance at a family or moving forward with my life. I don't want to be stuck in this stage of life forever. I want to move forward in my life but I don't know that they will see me worth their time. I've been thinking about Jeremy today too. I've been wondering if he is happy. I've been wondering if he is thinking about our memories. I worry he'll forget me. I don't need or even want him to love me anymore but I hope he won't forget me. We have had such amazing memories. One day, right after we moved into our trailer, there were people still living there and we had moved with Katelynn and Shana and Shana's friend who owned the house before us. We were all in the living room and either watching TV or hanging out (can't really remember) and we were all laughing and just having a good time. Jeremy and I were standing behind the couches close to the kitchen counter. I looked over at him and he was looking at me. I smiled at him and he grabbed my by the arm and pulled me into the kitchen and pinned me up against the counter and kissed me. He kissed me like no one ever had. It was perfect and it took my breath away. He pulled away and then hugged me and I don't think I have ever felt so loved and wanted than that moment right then and there. I won't ever forget that memory along with many others, I just don't want him to forget those moments because they were important to me. That's all today.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Bright
I have so put all the drama and hurt and pain behind me. I never thought that I could move on so quickly but I had realized that my heart just wasn't in it anymore. I still love him and I still miss him but I'm never gonna have a future with him. But how much is out there for me in the future? What could I miss today or tomorrow if I remain focused on something that's in the past? I have so much to offer the world and so much to accomplish in life still. I can't stay stuck in the past and in a relationship that would never have moved forward or in a direction that I want. I want so much out of life. I want to do so much with my life. I am so looking forward to what could lie ahead in my life. I'm scared everyday that I'll be alone and that no one will ever see the real me. But if I stay scared forever and never let myself open up I can never expect the same from someone else. But I know that if I try, and stay positive I will find something wonderful for my life. I went to a friend's wedding yesterday. My friend Ashley got married to a guy I hadn't met till the wedding. I watched the love that they shared. It was beautiful. Their vows were sincere and sweet, and more loving than anything anyone has ever shared with me. And I watched him with her during the reception. With all the "catching up" their were doing, he'd find time to walk up to her and kiss her, her cheek, stroke her hair, tell her he loves her. It was real, it was sincere, it was love. I'm gonna wait for the real love, for something like that. It was beautiful, and that is something I would love to have someday. I am gonna stay positive and look forward and stop wasting my life and my time thinking about what ifs, and trying to figure where it went wrong; because it doesn't matter anymore. I know the future holds great and wonderful things for Cassie Baker.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
50 Things I Want for My Life
50. I want to volunteer for something.
49. I want make a quilt for all my future children.
48. I want change a tire on my own.
47. I want to get a tattoo.
46. I want to go diving and/or snorkeling on a reef with beautiful fish and sharks.
45. I want to spend a day in the park with my future family; playing, eating, and laughing.
44. I want to go to a concert and dress up ridiculously and scream, and jump and dance and have more fun then ever.
43. I want to lose weight and be healthy.
42. I want to make a million scrapbooks of my life and take photographs of everything in my world.
41. I want to ride horses in the ocean surf.
40. I want to go to on a sailing trip on the ocean.
39. I want to laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants and can't stand up.
38. I want to drive a convertible with the top down and play music as loud as I can.
37. I want an entire day to feel like lyrics to a country song.
36. I want to discover something new and wonderful.
35. I want to dance with someone spontaneously somewhere and sometime absolutely unexpectedly.
34. I want to get my own apartment and live independently on my own.
33. I want to try skiing or snowboarding.
32. I want to have a Valentine's Day surprise like never before. With flower petals all over the place, dozens of roses and calla lilies, chocolates, and music and dancing in the living room.
31. I want to have the patience someday to have a flower garden and take care of it.
30. I want to go on a safari and see lions, hippos, hyenas, water buffalo, giraffes and zebras.
29. I want to learn how to play the guitar or the piano
28. I want to go on a date and feel like a teenager again. I want to go to an arcade, or go to a make out spot. lol
27. I want to swim with dolphins.
26. I want to jump down through a waterfall and play in the pool underneath the waterfall.
25. I want to drive through mud puddles and get stuck.
24. I want to make a million mistakes.
23. I want to have Lasik someday.
22. I want to go surfing someday, or at least try to surf.
21. I want to be goofy, and be goofy with the people I love. I don't want take life too seriously all the time.
20. I want to travel to and/or Rome, Bali, South Africa, New Zealand, Fiji, Carribean, Costa Rica, Venezuela, Alaska, Hong Kong, Greece, Washington DC. lol
19. I want to get my credit score up to around 750 or more and keep it there.
18. I want to go parasailing, and/or hot air ballooning.
17. I want to go to karaoke once.
16. I want to end up working in a hospital.
15. I want to have a picnic on the top of a mountain, with someone I love and watch the sunset.
14. I want to make out in the pouring rain.
13. I want to finish Medical Assisting school with flying colors.
12. I want to spend the entire night lying on a blanket with the person Iove and watch the stars.
11. I want to go backcountry hiking to Fairyland Basin just once.
10. I want to buy my own car and do it all on my own.
9. I want to fall madly in love with someone worth falling in love with.
8. I want to go ring shopping all day long and not get a single one.
7. I want to cry on the night that the man I love tells me how much he loves me and I how he can't live without me and proposes to me.
6. I want to get out of debt and stay out of debt.
5. I want savings in the bank for a rainy day.
4. I want to buy a house with a big kitchen and pool table.
3. I want to get married and dance with my husband.
2. I want to have a family. A house full of kids.
1. I want to be happy.
49. I want make a quilt for all my future children.
48. I want change a tire on my own.
47. I want to get a tattoo.
46. I want to go diving and/or snorkeling on a reef with beautiful fish and sharks.
45. I want to spend a day in the park with my future family; playing, eating, and laughing.
44. I want to go to a concert and dress up ridiculously and scream, and jump and dance and have more fun then ever.
43. I want to lose weight and be healthy.
42. I want to make a million scrapbooks of my life and take photographs of everything in my world.
41. I want to ride horses in the ocean surf.
40. I want to go to on a sailing trip on the ocean.
39. I want to laugh so hard that I almost pee my pants and can't stand up.
38. I want to drive a convertible with the top down and play music as loud as I can.
37. I want an entire day to feel like lyrics to a country song.
36. I want to discover something new and wonderful.
35. I want to dance with someone spontaneously somewhere and sometime absolutely unexpectedly.
34. I want to get my own apartment and live independently on my own.
33. I want to try skiing or snowboarding.
32. I want to have a Valentine's Day surprise like never before. With flower petals all over the place, dozens of roses and calla lilies, chocolates, and music and dancing in the living room.
31. I want to have the patience someday to have a flower garden and take care of it.
30. I want to go on a safari and see lions, hippos, hyenas, water buffalo, giraffes and zebras.
29. I want to learn how to play the guitar or the piano
28. I want to go on a date and feel like a teenager again. I want to go to an arcade, or go to a make out spot. lol
27. I want to swim with dolphins.
26. I want to jump down through a waterfall and play in the pool underneath the waterfall.
25. I want to drive through mud puddles and get stuck.
24. I want to make a million mistakes.
23. I want to have Lasik someday.
22. I want to go surfing someday, or at least try to surf.
21. I want to be goofy, and be goofy with the people I love. I don't want take life too seriously all the time.
20. I want to travel to and/or Rome, Bali, South Africa, New Zealand, Fiji, Carribean, Costa Rica, Venezuela, Alaska, Hong Kong, Greece, Washington DC. lol
19. I want to get my credit score up to around 750 or more and keep it there.
18. I want to go parasailing, and/or hot air ballooning.
17. I want to go to karaoke once.
16. I want to end up working in a hospital.
15. I want to have a picnic on the top of a mountain, with someone I love and watch the sunset.
14. I want to make out in the pouring rain.
13. I want to finish Medical Assisting school with flying colors.
12. I want to spend the entire night lying on a blanket with the person Iove and watch the stars.
11. I want to go backcountry hiking to Fairyland Basin just once.
10. I want to buy my own car and do it all on my own.
9. I want to fall madly in love with someone worth falling in love with.
8. I want to go ring shopping all day long and not get a single one.
7. I want to cry on the night that the man I love tells me how much he loves me and I how he can't live without me and proposes to me.
6. I want to get out of debt and stay out of debt.
5. I want savings in the bank for a rainy day.
4. I want to buy a house with a big kitchen and pool table.
3. I want to get married and dance with my husband.
2. I want to have a family. A house full of kids.
1. I want to be happy.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Dear Jeremy
Dear Jeremy,
I loved you honestly and openly. I put all my effort into a real relationship. I made every effort to keep a real relationship alive. I loved you through your faults and accepted them as a part of who you were. I followed you across the country chasing your dream. I believed in you and pushed you when you were down. I held you when you cried and gave up on yourself. I told you, you were good enough when you decided you weren't. I kept you close to my heart so that you could feel my love. I told you I loved you everyday. I kissed you on good and bad days. I held your hand when times got rough and bumpy. I fought with you, and argued with you, and made love with you. I gave my heart to you. I gave you the best of who I was and I am not ashamed that I did. I accepted your family and your beautiful daughter and loved them with the same heart. I moved forward with our relationship when the road looked dark and scary. I laughed with you and cried with you. I was comfortable with you and felt safe with you. I sacrificed with you and for you. I went all in. I played all my cards. I now I walk away. But I don't have regrets, I don't look back and wish I hadn't. I put all my effort, heart, love and life into our relationship; into you. I gave it my all. The night I drove home from your house and saw the Smith's sign in Roy and chose to give it a real try, well, I did that. I don't have to be ashamed. I don't have to feel like I didn't do enough. I don't have to feel like I wasn't good enough. I was good enough and I did do enough. I'm leaving with my head held high. I don't hate you, I don't feel like it was all a waste of my time, I don't have to be angry anymore. Can you say the same? Do you feel the same? Did you give it your all? Did you do your best? Did you give me your best and your all? I will always love you, and you will always be a part of me. But I am done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done being angry and sad, and crying over what could have been. I did everything I could have that was in my power, and I feel good about that. I hope that you have a good life. I hope you find a relationship you can stick with. I hope that you are safe and that someday you will find real happiness cause I have intention of finding that for myself. I'm going forward with my life and finding what I deserve and hope you do the same.
Always,
Cassie Baker
I loved you honestly and openly. I put all my effort into a real relationship. I made every effort to keep a real relationship alive. I loved you through your faults and accepted them as a part of who you were. I followed you across the country chasing your dream. I believed in you and pushed you when you were down. I held you when you cried and gave up on yourself. I told you, you were good enough when you decided you weren't. I kept you close to my heart so that you could feel my love. I told you I loved you everyday. I kissed you on good and bad days. I held your hand when times got rough and bumpy. I fought with you, and argued with you, and made love with you. I gave my heart to you. I gave you the best of who I was and I am not ashamed that I did. I accepted your family and your beautiful daughter and loved them with the same heart. I moved forward with our relationship when the road looked dark and scary. I laughed with you and cried with you. I was comfortable with you and felt safe with you. I sacrificed with you and for you. I went all in. I played all my cards. I now I walk away. But I don't have regrets, I don't look back and wish I hadn't. I put all my effort, heart, love and life into our relationship; into you. I gave it my all. The night I drove home from your house and saw the Smith's sign in Roy and chose to give it a real try, well, I did that. I don't have to be ashamed. I don't have to feel like I didn't do enough. I don't have to feel like I wasn't good enough. I was good enough and I did do enough. I'm leaving with my head held high. I don't hate you, I don't feel like it was all a waste of my time, I don't have to be angry anymore. Can you say the same? Do you feel the same? Did you give it your all? Did you do your best? Did you give me your best and your all? I will always love you, and you will always be a part of me. But I am done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done being angry and sad, and crying over what could have been. I did everything I could have that was in my power, and I feel good about that. I hope that you have a good life. I hope you find a relationship you can stick with. I hope that you are safe and that someday you will find real happiness cause I have intention of finding that for myself. I'm going forward with my life and finding what I deserve and hope you do the same.
Always,
Cassie Baker
Monday, July 25, 2011
Music Can Heal The Heart and Mine's Healing
A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans
Whiskey - Jana Kramer
Break Even - The Script
Cold as You - Taylor Swift
Love Done Gone - Billy Currington
Love You - Jack Ingram
Brokenheartsville - Joe Nichols
I Look So Good Without You - Jesse James
Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
Everybody's Fool - Evanescence
The Heartache That Don't Stop Hurtin' - Jason Aldean
If She Could See Me Now - Jason Aldean
Leave - Jojo
Over It - Katharine McPhee
Whiskey - Jana Kramer
Break Even - The Script
Cold as You - Taylor Swift
Love Done Gone - Billy Currington
Love You - Jack Ingram
Brokenheartsville - Joe Nichols
I Look So Good Without You - Jesse James
Before He Cheats - Carrie Underwood
Everybody's Fool - Evanescence
The Heartache That Don't Stop Hurtin' - Jason Aldean
If She Could See Me Now - Jason Aldean
Leave - Jojo
Over It - Katharine McPhee
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Feeling a little better.
Today is the first day that I actually feel better. I feel "a little bit stronger". The morning was still difficult but the rest of this day has been a little better. I haven't cried and I haven't thought much of him today. It has been good. Last night was hard though. I was cleaning my room and seemed to find more and more of his stuff of Jeremy's. Every time I found something I started crying. I never go on Jeremy's side of the bed... or I guess the other side of the bed and he had a left a can of soda that he was drinking the last night that he was here. It took everything in my being to throw it away and stop bawling. And I found his doo rag and it made me start bawling all over again. It was absolutely one of his trade marks. It's was tough but I did it. I cleaned the room out of all of his stuff in such a rage I didn't do such a good job and finding his things was difficult. But today has been a good day. It has been a pleasant day. The first day in 2 weeks that I feel good. I'm trying to keep this momentum and keep my spirits high. I miss him, and I love him but I am better off without him. Maybe I'm starting to understand and realize that.
Saturday, July 23, 2011
A Little Bit Stronger
This song has become my anthem. I've liked this song since the day I first heard it but never thought it would help me so much. There are moments in the day when I'm consumed by the "whys" and picturing them together. Where I'm overcome by anxiety and pain and sadness. If I hum it or sing it or listen to it, it helps. I helps me believe there is an end to this heartache that seems to consume me. Somedays and some moments I don't think there is an end to it but this song gives me hope. Hope that I will come out on top of this. I have the song on my phone and the lyrics as well. It's always close to me and maybe one song and cal pull me through this. The lyrics are beautiful, strong, and filled with hope.
A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sara-evans-lyrics/a-little-bit-stronger-lyrics.html]
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby
And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
A Little Bit Stronger - Sara Evans
Woke up late today and I still feel the sting of the pain
But I brushed my teeth anyway
I got dressed through the mess and put a smile on my face
I got a little bit stronger
Riding in the car to work and I'm trying to ignore the hurt
So I turned on the radio, stupid song made me think of you
I listened to it for minute but I changed it
I'm getting a little bit stronger, just a little bit stronger
And I'm done hoping that we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
Doesn't happen overnight but you turn around
And a month's gone by and you realize you haven't cried
I'm not giving you a hour or a second or another minute longer
I'm busy getting stronger
[ From: http://www.elyrics.net/read/s/sara-evans-lyrics/a-little-bit-stronger-lyrics.html]
And I'm done hoping that we can work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking, that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days, I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Getting along without you, baby
I'm better off without you, baby
How does it feel without me, baby?
I'm getting stronger without you, baby
And I'm done hoping we could work it out
I'm done with how it feels, spinning my wheels
Letting you drag my heart around
And, oh, I'm done thinking that you could ever change
I know my heart will never be the same
But I'm telling myself I'll be okay
Even on my weakest days
I get a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
Just a little bit stronger
A little bit, a little bit, a little bit stronger
I get a little bit stronger
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